a forehead slapping "duh" moment.

OK, sometimes God points out the obvious to you so you can realize your mistakes.  LOL, and with me ..well.. if you are even reading this need I say more?

Read the freshly posted Restoration article today and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head- a forehead slapping "duh" moment.  It is me that has been seriously getting in the way lately, that much I knew but in the flurry of all the changes I had somehow managed to forget the fact that when in Canada unpleasant hurts and pains from the past had started to come up bigtime.  Some that were very painful and had affected me for most of my life.  I have had the wonderful draw of life to have had a large chunk of not so fun things happen to me over my lifetime, like most folks.  From many, many surgeries, a hughly abusive relationship where I had real fear for my life, to many other things I won't go into in a semi-public forum.

When I started working in the kitchen at St M's one very big issue that had been nicely hid away in the bak mental filing cabinet decided to make itself known again.  Guess it was the safety of the place that allowed these things to come forward and for some hopeful healing to take place.  But plans and things changed so instead of dealing with the pains of the past they got stuffed back again as reality of the moment took over and I had to return to the nexus of many things unpleasant.  Bad timing but it is what it is and nothing is going to change the current situation.  So how to deal with this stuff, heal and rebuild?  Once again I guess I give it all to Jesus and pray, and find away to do what I must do in the isolated place I am currently in.  Hope springs eternal.

Ahh Sunday!  The Lord's day, praise be to God!

Things to be better, a calm has stayed with me inside.  Was re-reading some of my posts and know I have been a bit out there lately.  Never thought I would be this emotional, this whatever...
so had a good quiet time in prayer today. One on what has been going on lately inside me Sometimes it is too easy to get wrapped up in your own crap and it misleads you and misguides you.  So this evening and tomorrow are new days and once again try to start anew!

So since transportation is severely limited, along with funds for stuff like a bus going to look again at anything within a bit easier walking distance that might want volunteers.  Got to get out of the house and mix with other people!  So pray for me and off I go!  :0)

On this Saturday, a day to spend some extra time with our Dear Mother, this favorite prayer card came to mind.  I first saw it last year when the blog site had it as their card of the day on--my birthday!  It seems even back then Mother Mary was giving me little clues to her love for me and how she wanted to bring me closer to her dear Son, Jesus.  In honor of the upcoming Feast of the Annunciation and because I feel lead to I have started re-reading St Louis De Monfort's "True Devotion to Mary" and praying the preparation again.

It is an excellent book to help bring you closer to our Mother Mary, I personally find the original book beautifully written although some prefer a more modern translation over the original.  Through the total Consecration to Jesus Through Mary your life and heart are forever changed as layers of old self are peeled away leaving a heart yearning and opening to receive the love our Lord Jesus and his blessed Mother have to give you.  Not until after my Consecration did my heart and mind realize how close and truly present Jesus' Mother is within each of us if we would just call on her.  No matter how hard things may get for me right now, it only goes to a point then as if she knows the limit in Mary swoops to scoop me up into her arms and hug me close.

That happened again this afternoon, what is it about Saturdays lately?  By imaginary fingernails my arms shaking and being silently screaming, "For you I'll hang on for I deserve this and offer it all as sacrifice to you dear God.  But dear Mary I need help because I don't think I can take this much longer."  Trust me, it was not a pleasant few days inside Lindaland's being.  Then as I prayed some "Hail Mary's" my never fail prayer of desperation a gentle calm overtook me and the body relaxed, the mind rested on a sturdy warm ledge and loving sleep took over me.  The nap was only an hour but the rest and renewal is golden sunlight within this heart.  On waking my first thoughts were, thank you Mary, thank you Jesus.  They are always with us, even when silent. (And yes I prob'ly will repeat that billions of times over my lifetime to whomever will listen!)

So we are over the midway point for the great season of Lent... and through no conscious effort or action of my own this is shaping up to be-lol, a humdinger of a doozy!  What was that word from Epiphany??  LOL!  All I can say is thank you God for the gift of Mary and thank you dear Jesus for your giving her to us all during your final moments on the cross.  She is my Queen, my Mother, my guide to Jesus, and my friend when  all seems lost and alone.

The one thought/meditation that has crossed thru many times over the last several months since Nov 1 is I am about the same age Mary was when she suffered her Son's Passion.  Then I see the pure joy of Mother and child in the picture above, and understand a bit, a wee little bit...

Don't know who the photographer is, but think these are cute!

thoughts take me back to a time when the world glowed with beauty...Sketchbook in hand all was a picture to be captured, a painting waiting birth
Trees with bark so filled with grace and stories of life's trek wanting telling thru pencil and ink, watercolor and oil
light danced thru shadows and glistening highlights that blinded with delight
the artist's love and passion as hand, eye raced in glory to capture the blessed moment.
Tis harder to live then to die.
As the tides moved out leaving gasping sea life on virgin land.
tornadoes rip and shred the delicate strong ancient wonders, ancient monoliths now broken and splintered, strewn over grass fields waltzing to the cacophonous orchestrations.

Easier to ignore then to see.

ticking, never ending ticking like breathing paused,
where?  where is the sun?  vision blinded,passion killed
Tis harder as time ticks bye
light, shadows grow long..hope a baptisted vision promised long ago
Divinity a line in a book quoted, a light to guide-somewhere
where,when...hope?  time is testing the artist within.
in silent hope.. somewhere, in that deafening silence.. somewhere...please

For An Old Friend- Rest In Peace Fellow "Ghetto" Co

Brothers In Arms
   ------Dire Straits

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms
--------------------------------------
For SSGT S, may God bless you.
So many different wars, so many different ways to die...
Does one have a higher glory than another?
We are all walking paths to death.  We all have choices made for us and by us.
"Why does my heart feel so bad?  Why does my soul feel so bad? His love endures!"- Moby
Through music we bridge the miles and gaps in modern conversation.

Sweet, sweet guy, he died a few weeks ago in Iraq.  Over, huh- 25 years ago I knew him!  But still, as clear as yesterday.

This song was fixated in my mind most of the second half of December, made me pray for all those in war, civilians, military. First thing I thought of when I read the news. This song then.. made me mediate upon Catherine's story about fleeing war.  Brought many nights during a one week period of very cold, stark realities as I paced endlessly, restlessly in the snow by St G's...never able to escape the visual images crushing my mind, never able to ease the emotions rushing me as I felt the pain, fear, misery of families, child, soldier wandered, fled, terror filled, agony, misery, weight upon weight that tore at my being dragging me into their world so stark and real...the smells almost real, the darkness of night... the darkness they lived, breathed, longed to escape.
God have mercy on us..Dear God have mercy on us..I prayed, I pleaded!
During those days from 14December and the next several days all my mind, body and heart could feel was harsh realities of wars past and present in all the different peoples existing within the realms of them.  Sigh, so I had another horrific group of misery to pray and sacrifice for, gladly I took the task for I am blessed to live in peace, not having my world shattered by guns, bombs, hate, vile ugly evil that is war.  Was this a lesson being passed onto me on Catherine's anniversary date?  I sometimes wondered as I paced the snow, frigid and cold those nights in December...I wondered why then?  Why on this important day of her life and the MH Apostolate.  Who knows?  Surely not i...
So many, so very many dying... and for what?  Land? Righteousness?  Bullshit!  Oil?  Money?  Private contracts to make billions for private corporations?  Hmmm.. might have something there.  Sure they dress it up as a war against terror.  Bullshit!  They might even dare to have the balls to say a war against Muslim fundamentalism.  Again BULLSHIT!  Greed, and power is all it is.  Man's hubris!  Mankind's vile, base nature when allowed to fester and wallow in evil.  May God have mercy on us all!!!  For past and present wars, and Heaven forbide the wars to come...

Holy Mother, one so dear, my heart so lost
traveling the steep mountain path
But I am a fool and did not understand the light's darkness
Walking, ever walking.
Seeking, ever seeking
I fell down and cried out from my misery
Battered and bruised my blood staining the path
For Him, I understood, painfully I arose
walking, walking towards His silence, seeking
Body bent, strength weakening..and one step then another
searching everywhere for the path once clear
climbing, hands bleeding, heart breaking
You came and consoled me
You dear Mother brought your Son to heal my wounds
Renewed, sight restored
my feet knew it was time to move
Ever climbing upward beside you
Time to test, sliding rocks slicing
Falling again, alone in darkness

For Him I must rise.. shaking from the shock
Dizzy from the loss I must rise and climb
searching for my Lord.

"I do not ask for anything dear Jesus, for you I will not stop trying"
Bowed, crawling, sobbing looking about me
all I see the emptiness of the world around
nothing matters save Him dear Mother
my heart cries
Oh dear Mother He is all!
nothing else matters
I am nothing without Him
Tell Him whatever He desires I will do
smiling thanking Him for this climb and these falls
smiling for I know He is with me
smiling for I know I am with Him as He walks
smiling for every step is a trial
every step a blessing
every fall a chance to unite
Every pain a sacrifice
Mother you graced me with memory
that you and He are always beside me
and when silent
within me
So ever I walk, step by step
climbing knowing I will fall
climbing knowing hope
knowing Mother you will not let me lose Him ever again
 Your arms around me
He is always within me
.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women.  Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths.  Amen."


Our mother, given to us by Jesus on the cross.  What a wondrous gift from Jesus to us!  At times I try to just think about what it means to have Mary as my mother.  Words are not adequate enough to describe the depth of  grace and love I have received from this humble, gentle woman whose sole purpose is to lovingly bring us to her son, Jesus.

The darkest hours of my life when I asked Mary's help, did she ever stay silent?  Did she ever not respond?  Never!  Blessed Mary always, always answered my sincere prayers, heard my tear stained pleas.  When I made my consecration to Jesus through Mary on All Saint's Day in Madonna House was one of the few ways I could show her just how much I loved her.  Little did I know how much more she would become a part of my daily life.  Humility, yes, she is teaching me about humility over these pass few months.  More importantly our mother lovingly shows me that no matter how dark the path seems around me she and Jesus are always with me.  Sometimes they are silent, waiting inside this heart of mine, waiting for me to learn what lesson I need so I might grow ever closer to God.  
----------------------------------------------------------1130pm
I do pray that she might intercede and ask our Lord to allow me to draw or do anything artistic again... even the most rudimentary task..doesn't matter how small or plain.  But I guess it isn't so for now, that is ok..it is a time for learning, and penance.  I know my sins.. yes, I do know my unworthiness and how I abused the gifts given me in the past for selfish desires and insults towards God.  It is how it should be for now.  I do miss those brief times though in January...what a glorious grace those times sick in bed were!  who would have thought this is where they would end up?  Stagnant, images stuck in limbo, I can see them crystalline in my mind's eye, etched in my heart...but the hand, the eye, the pen....not to be for now.   O what a Lent it is shaping up to be. For this is fine though with me, it is teaching me to give up all for love, all for the One.  Bending me down low, to crawl on the ground in supplication...breaking me of the old...dying to even desiring that which use to define me in the world. So it shall be...so it shall be.

Meditation by St Pio:  Your weakness will not surprise you, but knowing you as I do, you will blush because of your infidelity to God; then you will confide in Him, tranquilly abandoning yourself in the arms of our Heavenly Father, like a baby in the arms of his own mother.
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Well, As y'all can read I had my selfish whine pity party for one yesterday.  So back to normal life and the mood is better and the resolve to just give it all to our Lady and entrust her guidance to our Lord.  So I will shut up, put my petty emotions and selfish thoughts where they belong and remember what I heard interiorly that day along the river, "All that matters is me [Jesus]..."


So dust myself off, schedule a confession, and start anew- 7 times 70 times a man may fall and if contrite he will be forgiven.  Lol, being human is messy business!  :0P  :0)  Thank you God you gave us your Divine Mercy!  For He is all that matters, so serving the One also means serving Him in all my brothers and sisters also. 


Interesting, interesting Lent this year... but I resolve to try not to think beyond the moment and to listen to where He is guiding me.  Like a leaf on the Living waters I wish to be going wherever His waters flow.  Or how about like a feather carried on the breathe of His Divine Spirit?  Either analogy works, and both express the goal.  To do whatever He tells me, and to do it as perfectly as His good graces will allow.  To do the Father's Will and be an instrument of His peace and love following Jesus' perfect way, isn't that all that matters?
------------------------------------------12;50am Sun evening/Mon morning
Yes, back into that late night mode, there is a calm that covers the city in the dark of night.  A peace that touches even the most lost corners. I think Mary heard my slight (HA!) crisis of being yesterday and intervened.  A calming hand has touched my heart and quiet peace has started to return within, I just have to be humble enough to surrender and accept..Oh, and get my selfishness out of the way.   To remind myself that there is no need for frustrations and fear for God will take care of everything, and all I need to do is follow blessed Mary and how she perfectly follows her son's way.  To become Christlike in all things... to seek to become a reflection of He.  For Christ dwells within me and within all of us.  


To become like a child as the Gospel says... to become poor.. to remember that God's merciful love is greater then any weakness I may ever have.  Thanks Mother Teresa for that paraphrase.  Good night and peace.

Miss the lawn chair view on the back veranda a lot today.  It's been a crappy day.  Nothing specific or even in general, it just has been a shitty day and feel really alone and direction less.  One of those days where all the mind can think of is 'life sucks' ,lol!  Feels like a Jack Black night, hadn't had one in a couple weeks.  Reminds me, I have to share the bus station/hash story when I was traveling back home. I know wrong attitude to have, blah-blah-blah.  But hey I am 46, have no friends that live near here and occasionally it is healthy to have a pity party of one.  Gets it all out of the system and lets tomorrow be a better day.  Right?  That's what I thought..not even crickets out there to chirp.  LMAO!
-----------------------------------several hours later.........
POST EDITED-Most was related to emotion of the time and highly whine-filled and served no purpose. Left the gist of the post. Thank you -LM  Ides of March
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Father spoke one Word, His Son and the Word he always speaks in eternal silence and in silence you will hear Him. Like Mary our Mother in the silence and solitude where we hear and learn to do His Will. "Do whatever he tells you.""  


10:45pm Ya see.. God is kind, tonight's Fr Corapi show is his personal story.  Now I was never that bad ever in my life, but we do share a lot of the same similar low points.  Look where he is now.  hope, got to remember hope. 

St Germaine's, view from my last bed assignment.
May God Have mercy on me.  I am weak and I am in pain.  Never said i would rose-tint the truth in this blog.  And no, I have not had any Jack Black tonight.  Well, yet, but it is a losing battle with the 'why not' argument.  Ya know part of the reason I started this was to share with people the real life struggles of journeying through an attempt on the spiritual path.  The real highs and lows, the hope-filled and the shit strewn.  Tonight I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to know that God is here and to feel His mighty presence, or at least to know there is anyone out there.. am I even here?  How did I even get to this place?  Why do I even care?  Sometimes I just wish the pain would stop!  But then I look at my Lent picture..Mary holding the dead body of Jesus.  The pain is still here but..it is put into it's tiny wretched, selfish place.  What an ass I am.  12:25am  
----------------------------------2am Sunday morning/Saturday night----

This was my setup on the 'precious' shelves,lol..Epiphany word-Metanoia on a camel..Madonna and Child pic..Beautiful,soothing Icons of Mary and Jesus-gifts so touching- Rosary Teddy with an American Flag for my Army service, and rosary because it gave me a way to grab my rosary after lights out that wouldn't make a noise and wake others.  Still do that here even though there is no one to wake, not that I mind living a celibate life.  It is just harder when there is no community, no 'family' to fill the emptiness... no common purpose shared by others. 
OK forgive my venting rant of this night... sometimes it helps to just let the garbage out of the mind to start fresh in the morning

"Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk."- ST Therese

-----------------------

Been sitting here wondering what to write.. still no idea, so figure I'll just trust in the Holy Spirit and if he is silent then give a catch-up on the day(s). Words rather fail me lately. I go walking everywhere because my car is -well, non-functional for now. That's ok, been feeling drawn to walk, to go outside and see my hometown with fresh eyes. Always hoping when I venture out most times since coming back I could see beauty- God's beauty surrounding me. Sigh- rarely am I able right now. Nothing interests me, nothing hardly ever lifts my heart and makes it sing. Everything seems so grey, my ability to feel God's presence is so very distant and greyed. I know He is here, and I know He is everywhere, so I trust and pray for help with my trust, faith, and unbelief. Remind myself love is an act of will, not an emotion, then glance upward and go through the day and night.

Yesterday was a good day, even felt that warmth of Divine within me for awhile. What a treasure even if brief, a light to hold and help maintain my hope. Had a poustinia for the first time since November. Almost forgotten how truly special and graced time set aside from everything except silence, prayer and rest were for the soul, mind and body. My bible passage was from Mark9 the verse"..all things are possible to those who have faith. The father{of the boy} said 'I believe, help with my unbelief...." Good passage for this great season of Lent and the times I am going through. Read, re-read, prayed and meditated on that passage. Holy Spirit is great at leading us to what we need.

How I miss those special moments in meditation with my Lord. The silence is deafening. There is a semblance of peace but it is the minimal I think to keep me from totally losing it! LOL! All I know is my heart aches for my Lord's presence to be felt in it again. My heart yearns to see the God's beauty in nature the mountains,sky oh, and the trees! The trees! Nada, a memory of how I saw them only for now. Not seeing that special touch of God in the people passing by me. Sigh.. so I remind myself this is a good thing it is a lesson in seeking consolation from external things around me. this teaches me that my sole purpose and focus needs to remain always on God-loving, honoring, thanking, serving only Him and doing His will no matter the task, or the cost. Nothing else matters for this painful reminder again of when He is silent due my own fault and sinfulness is..well it sucks! But it is, so be it- until maybe His mercy will shine again on me? That is why I put the above St Therese quote up, to remind me trust, faith, belief even when He is silent. Until then I will keep praying, doing what I should and staying silent waiting for Him to again whisper to this little heart. For I know Jesus is near, I just need to follow His example as best as His graces allow.

waiting..silently...trusting... what an interesting Lent. What was that Epiphany word again? Metanoia...lol..yeah..metanoia. Let's hope!

 "Teach Me to Walk" Keaton

The focus of mine has been adrift and that is my fault, instead of trusting all is from God and giving all to He that is Love I allowed little superficial things of this world to distract me.  To let go, to give all, to keep the heart, mind centered on The Truth, on The One -this fills me with hope and must always drive me.  Yes, I am thrust now into a world where almost all around me are focused on the unimportant and trivial of worldly things, it is up to me out of love for our Divine God to trust and certainly know that He is with me and that He is guiding to what His Divine Love for me wills.  It is up to me to surrender, to be humble and small thus following Blessed Mary's example and confidently say my own personal fiat to the Almighty.  It is up to me to trust in His grace and that He will always give me the graces needed to come closer to resting with Him within me. For the beauty of the desert is within and our Lord is the living water waiting to be found and to soothe.

"...In those days Moses raised his hands to heaven and brought down manna, the bread of angels; the new Moses raises his hands to heaven and gives us the food of eternal life. Moses struck the rock and brought forth streams of water; Christ touches his table, strikes the spiritual rock of the new covenant and draws forth the living water of the Spirit. This rock is like a fountain in the midst of Christ’s table. so that on all sides the flocks may draw near to this living spring and refresh themselves in the waters of salvation.

  Since this fountain, this source of life, this table surrounds us with untold blessings and fills us with the gifts of the Spirit, let us approach it with sincerity of heart and purity of conscience to receive grace and mercy in our time of need. Grace and mercy be yours from the only-begotten Son, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ; through him and with him be glory, honour and power to the Father and the life-giving Spirit, now and always and for ever. Amen." - St John Chrysostom

 

Adrift, floating in the brackish waters

Was it only a month or so ago that I was immersed in the beauty of the above?

How in prayer I felt like I was there reaching out with tender love, humbled yet filled with this glorious scene of love's great suffering.

All seems dark, adrift in rapid waters tossing and turning

A moments peace inside I seek to return 

Am I so weak and easily lost?

Is my faith so superficial and tenuous?

Nowhere to rest my eyes without seeing people's pain

Darkness clouds my heart, makes the Light seem so distant

perseverance and trust, hope and faith

all I have, more mental exercise then heartfelt

the heart feels dead inside save the yearning within

So once again I crawl through the muck hopeful

once again I beg for mercy

once again i return to this place wondering

once again hoping lessons will be learned

hoping I shall do whatever He tells me without hesitation or failure

Hoping in my weakness I shall be strong enough