For An Old Friend- Rest In Peace Fellow "Ghetto" Co

Brothers In Arms
   ------Dire Straits

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms
--------------------------------------
For SSGT S, may God bless you.
So many different wars, so many different ways to die...
Does one have a higher glory than another?
We are all walking paths to death.  We all have choices made for us and by us.
"Why does my heart feel so bad?  Why does my soul feel so bad? His love endures!"- Moby
Through music we bridge the miles and gaps in modern conversation.

Sweet, sweet guy, he died a few weeks ago in Iraq.  Over, huh- 25 years ago I knew him!  But still, as clear as yesterday.

This song was fixated in my mind most of the second half of December, made me pray for all those in war, civilians, military. First thing I thought of when I read the news. This song then.. made me mediate upon Catherine's story about fleeing war.  Brought many nights during a one week period of very cold, stark realities as I paced endlessly, restlessly in the snow by St G's...never able to escape the visual images crushing my mind, never able to ease the emotions rushing me as I felt the pain, fear, misery of families, child, soldier wandered, fled, terror filled, agony, misery, weight upon weight that tore at my being dragging me into their world so stark and real...the smells almost real, the darkness of night... the darkness they lived, breathed, longed to escape.
God have mercy on us..Dear God have mercy on us..I prayed, I pleaded!
During those days from 14December and the next several days all my mind, body and heart could feel was harsh realities of wars past and present in all the different peoples existing within the realms of them.  Sigh, so I had another horrific group of misery to pray and sacrifice for, gladly I took the task for I am blessed to live in peace, not having my world shattered by guns, bombs, hate, vile ugly evil that is war.  Was this a lesson being passed onto me on Catherine's anniversary date?  I sometimes wondered as I paced the snow, frigid and cold those nights in December...I wondered why then?  Why on this important day of her life and the MH Apostolate.  Who knows?  Surely not i...
So many, so very many dying... and for what?  Land? Righteousness?  Bullshit!  Oil?  Money?  Private contracts to make billions for private corporations?  Hmmm.. might have something there.  Sure they dress it up as a war against terror.  Bullshit!  They might even dare to have the balls to say a war against Muslim fundamentalism.  Again BULLSHIT!  Greed, and power is all it is.  Man's hubris!  Mankind's vile, base nature when allowed to fester and wallow in evil.  May God have mercy on us all!!!  For past and present wars, and Heaven forbide the wars to come...

Holy Mother, one so dear, my heart so lost
traveling the steep mountain path
But I am a fool and did not understand the light's darkness
Walking, ever walking.
Seeking, ever seeking
I fell down and cried out from my misery
Battered and bruised my blood staining the path
For Him, I understood, painfully I arose
walking, walking towards His silence, seeking
Body bent, strength weakening..and one step then another
searching everywhere for the path once clear
climbing, hands bleeding, heart breaking
You came and consoled me
You dear Mother brought your Son to heal my wounds
Renewed, sight restored
my feet knew it was time to move
Ever climbing upward beside you
Time to test, sliding rocks slicing
Falling again, alone in darkness

For Him I must rise.. shaking from the shock
Dizzy from the loss I must rise and climb
searching for my Lord.

"I do not ask for anything dear Jesus, for you I will not stop trying"
Bowed, crawling, sobbing looking about me
all I see the emptiness of the world around
nothing matters save Him dear Mother
my heart cries
Oh dear Mother He is all!
nothing else matters
I am nothing without Him
Tell Him whatever He desires I will do
smiling thanking Him for this climb and these falls
smiling for I know He is with me
smiling for I know I am with Him as He walks
smiling for every step is a trial
every step a blessing
every fall a chance to unite
Every pain a sacrifice
Mother you graced me with memory
that you and He are always beside me
and when silent
within me
So ever I walk, step by step
climbing knowing I will fall
climbing knowing hope
knowing Mother you will not let me lose Him ever again
 Your arms around me
He is always within me
.

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women.  Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths.  Amen."


Our mother, given to us by Jesus on the cross.  What a wondrous gift from Jesus to us!  At times I try to just think about what it means to have Mary as my mother.  Words are not adequate enough to describe the depth of  grace and love I have received from this humble, gentle woman whose sole purpose is to lovingly bring us to her son, Jesus.

The darkest hours of my life when I asked Mary's help, did she ever stay silent?  Did she ever not respond?  Never!  Blessed Mary always, always answered my sincere prayers, heard my tear stained pleas.  When I made my consecration to Jesus through Mary on All Saint's Day in Madonna House was one of the few ways I could show her just how much I loved her.  Little did I know how much more she would become a part of my daily life.  Humility, yes, she is teaching me about humility over these pass few months.  More importantly our mother lovingly shows me that no matter how dark the path seems around me she and Jesus are always with me.  Sometimes they are silent, waiting inside this heart of mine, waiting for me to learn what lesson I need so I might grow ever closer to God.  
----------------------------------------------------------1130pm
I do pray that she might intercede and ask our Lord to allow me to draw or do anything artistic again... even the most rudimentary task..doesn't matter how small or plain.  But I guess it isn't so for now, that is ok..it is a time for learning, and penance.  I know my sins.. yes, I do know my unworthiness and how I abused the gifts given me in the past for selfish desires and insults towards God.  It is how it should be for now.  I do miss those brief times though in January...what a glorious grace those times sick in bed were!  who would have thought this is where they would end up?  Stagnant, images stuck in limbo, I can see them crystalline in my mind's eye, etched in my heart...but the hand, the eye, the pen....not to be for now.   O what a Lent it is shaping up to be. For this is fine though with me, it is teaching me to give up all for love, all for the One.  Bending me down low, to crawl on the ground in supplication...breaking me of the old...dying to even desiring that which use to define me in the world. So it shall be...so it shall be.

Meditation by St Pio:  Your weakness will not surprise you, but knowing you as I do, you will blush because of your infidelity to God; then you will confide in Him, tranquilly abandoning yourself in the arms of our Heavenly Father, like a baby in the arms of his own mother.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, As y'all can read I had my selfish whine pity party for one yesterday.  So back to normal life and the mood is better and the resolve to just give it all to our Lady and entrust her guidance to our Lord.  So I will shut up, put my petty emotions and selfish thoughts where they belong and remember what I heard interiorly that day along the river, "All that matters is me [Jesus]..."


So dust myself off, schedule a confession, and start anew- 7 times 70 times a man may fall and if contrite he will be forgiven.  Lol, being human is messy business!  :0P  :0)  Thank you God you gave us your Divine Mercy!  For He is all that matters, so serving the One also means serving Him in all my brothers and sisters also. 


Interesting, interesting Lent this year... but I resolve to try not to think beyond the moment and to listen to where He is guiding me.  Like a leaf on the Living waters I wish to be going wherever His waters flow.  Or how about like a feather carried on the breathe of His Divine Spirit?  Either analogy works, and both express the goal.  To do whatever He tells me, and to do it as perfectly as His good graces will allow.  To do the Father's Will and be an instrument of His peace and love following Jesus' perfect way, isn't that all that matters?
------------------------------------------12;50am Sun evening/Mon morning
Yes, back into that late night mode, there is a calm that covers the city in the dark of night.  A peace that touches even the most lost corners. I think Mary heard my slight (HA!) crisis of being yesterday and intervened.  A calming hand has touched my heart and quiet peace has started to return within, I just have to be humble enough to surrender and accept..Oh, and get my selfishness out of the way.   To remind myself that there is no need for frustrations and fear for God will take care of everything, and all I need to do is follow blessed Mary and how she perfectly follows her son's way.  To become Christlike in all things... to seek to become a reflection of He.  For Christ dwells within me and within all of us.  


To become like a child as the Gospel says... to become poor.. to remember that God's merciful love is greater then any weakness I may ever have.  Thanks Mother Teresa for that paraphrase.  Good night and peace.

Miss the lawn chair view on the back veranda a lot today.  It's been a crappy day.  Nothing specific or even in general, it just has been a shitty day and feel really alone and direction less.  One of those days where all the mind can think of is 'life sucks' ,lol!  Feels like a Jack Black night, hadn't had one in a couple weeks.  Reminds me, I have to share the bus station/hash story when I was traveling back home. I know wrong attitude to have, blah-blah-blah.  But hey I am 46, have no friends that live near here and occasionally it is healthy to have a pity party of one.  Gets it all out of the system and lets tomorrow be a better day.  Right?  That's what I thought..not even crickets out there to chirp.  LMAO!
-----------------------------------several hours later.........
POST EDITED-Most was related to emotion of the time and highly whine-filled and served no purpose. Left the gist of the post. Thank you -LM  Ides of March
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Father spoke one Word, His Son and the Word he always speaks in eternal silence and in silence you will hear Him. Like Mary our Mother in the silence and solitude where we hear and learn to do His Will. "Do whatever he tells you.""  


10:45pm Ya see.. God is kind, tonight's Fr Corapi show is his personal story.  Now I was never that bad ever in my life, but we do share a lot of the same similar low points.  Look where he is now.  hope, got to remember hope. 

St Germaine's, view from my last bed assignment.
May God Have mercy on me.  I am weak and I am in pain.  Never said i would rose-tint the truth in this blog.  And no, I have not had any Jack Black tonight.  Well, yet, but it is a losing battle with the 'why not' argument.  Ya know part of the reason I started this was to share with people the real life struggles of journeying through an attempt on the spiritual path.  The real highs and lows, the hope-filled and the shit strewn.  Tonight I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to know that God is here and to feel His mighty presence, or at least to know there is anyone out there.. am I even here?  How did I even get to this place?  Why do I even care?  Sometimes I just wish the pain would stop!  But then I look at my Lent picture..Mary holding the dead body of Jesus.  The pain is still here but..it is put into it's tiny wretched, selfish place.  What an ass I am.  12:25am  
----------------------------------2am Sunday morning/Saturday night----

This was my setup on the 'precious' shelves,lol..Epiphany word-Metanoia on a camel..Madonna and Child pic..Beautiful,soothing Icons of Mary and Jesus-gifts so touching- Rosary Teddy with an American Flag for my Army service, and rosary because it gave me a way to grab my rosary after lights out that wouldn't make a noise and wake others.  Still do that here even though there is no one to wake, not that I mind living a celibate life.  It is just harder when there is no community, no 'family' to fill the emptiness... no common purpose shared by others. 
OK forgive my venting rant of this night... sometimes it helps to just let the garbage out of the mind to start fresh in the morning

"Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk."- ST Therese

-----------------------

Been sitting here wondering what to write.. still no idea, so figure I'll just trust in the Holy Spirit and if he is silent then give a catch-up on the day(s). Words rather fail me lately. I go walking everywhere because my car is -well, non-functional for now. That's ok, been feeling drawn to walk, to go outside and see my hometown with fresh eyes. Always hoping when I venture out most times since coming back I could see beauty- God's beauty surrounding me. Sigh- rarely am I able right now. Nothing interests me, nothing hardly ever lifts my heart and makes it sing. Everything seems so grey, my ability to feel God's presence is so very distant and greyed. I know He is here, and I know He is everywhere, so I trust and pray for help with my trust, faith, and unbelief. Remind myself love is an act of will, not an emotion, then glance upward and go through the day and night.

Yesterday was a good day, even felt that warmth of Divine within me for awhile. What a treasure even if brief, a light to hold and help maintain my hope. Had a poustinia for the first time since November. Almost forgotten how truly special and graced time set aside from everything except silence, prayer and rest were for the soul, mind and body. My bible passage was from Mark9 the verse"..all things are possible to those who have faith. The father{of the boy} said 'I believe, help with my unbelief...." Good passage for this great season of Lent and the times I am going through. Read, re-read, prayed and meditated on that passage. Holy Spirit is great at leading us to what we need.

How I miss those special moments in meditation with my Lord. The silence is deafening. There is a semblance of peace but it is the minimal I think to keep me from totally losing it! LOL! All I know is my heart aches for my Lord's presence to be felt in it again. My heart yearns to see the God's beauty in nature the mountains,sky oh, and the trees! The trees! Nada, a memory of how I saw them only for now. Not seeing that special touch of God in the people passing by me. Sigh.. so I remind myself this is a good thing it is a lesson in seeking consolation from external things around me. this teaches me that my sole purpose and focus needs to remain always on God-loving, honoring, thanking, serving only Him and doing His will no matter the task, or the cost. Nothing else matters for this painful reminder again of when He is silent due my own fault and sinfulness is..well it sucks! But it is, so be it- until maybe His mercy will shine again on me? That is why I put the above St Therese quote up, to remind me trust, faith, belief even when He is silent. Until then I will keep praying, doing what I should and staying silent waiting for Him to again whisper to this little heart. For I know Jesus is near, I just need to follow His example as best as His graces allow.

waiting..silently...trusting... what an interesting Lent. What was that Epiphany word again? Metanoia...lol..yeah..metanoia. Let's hope!

 "Teach Me to Walk" Keaton

The focus of mine has been adrift and that is my fault, instead of trusting all is from God and giving all to He that is Love I allowed little superficial things of this world to distract me.  To let go, to give all, to keep the heart, mind centered on The Truth, on The One -this fills me with hope and must always drive me.  Yes, I am thrust now into a world where almost all around me are focused on the unimportant and trivial of worldly things, it is up to me out of love for our Divine God to trust and certainly know that He is with me and that He is guiding to what His Divine Love for me wills.  It is up to me to surrender, to be humble and small thus following Blessed Mary's example and confidently say my own personal fiat to the Almighty.  It is up to me to trust in His grace and that He will always give me the graces needed to come closer to resting with Him within me. For the beauty of the desert is within and our Lord is the living water waiting to be found and to soothe.

"...In those days Moses raised his hands to heaven and brought down manna, the bread of angels; the new Moses raises his hands to heaven and gives us the food of eternal life. Moses struck the rock and brought forth streams of water; Christ touches his table, strikes the spiritual rock of the new covenant and draws forth the living water of the Spirit. This rock is like a fountain in the midst of Christ’s table. so that on all sides the flocks may draw near to this living spring and refresh themselves in the waters of salvation.

  Since this fountain, this source of life, this table surrounds us with untold blessings and fills us with the gifts of the Spirit, let us approach it with sincerity of heart and purity of conscience to receive grace and mercy in our time of need. Grace and mercy be yours from the only-begotten Son, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ; through him and with him be glory, honour and power to the Father and the life-giving Spirit, now and always and for ever. Amen." - St John Chrysostom

 

Adrift, floating in the brackish waters

Was it only a month or so ago that I was immersed in the beauty of the above?

How in prayer I felt like I was there reaching out with tender love, humbled yet filled with this glorious scene of love's great suffering.

All seems dark, adrift in rapid waters tossing and turning

A moments peace inside I seek to return 

Am I so weak and easily lost?

Is my faith so superficial and tenuous?

Nowhere to rest my eyes without seeing people's pain

Darkness clouds my heart, makes the Light seem so distant

perseverance and trust, hope and faith

all I have, more mental exercise then heartfelt

the heart feels dead inside save the yearning within

So once again I crawl through the muck hopeful

once again I beg for mercy

once again i return to this place wondering

once again hoping lessons will be learned

hoping I shall do whatever He tells me without hesitation or failure

Hoping in my weakness I shall be strong enough

"...How precious and dear that grace appear the hour i first believe- hallelujah grace like rain falls down on me hallelujah all my stains are washed away!..."  Song below by Todd Agnew, numero 6.  yes i know the Amazing Grace lyrics are liberally in there, but such a good song who cares?

What to say?  So much to say, yet...so little.  I am back in Virginia after 6 months living in Canada, so much learned.  So much grace, so much sacrifice, so much given.. so much received...

To say that I wish my departure was vastly different would be the bone-solid truth.  To say there wasn't some definite pain involved would be a bold lie.  But all I can say is I hold no animosity, for all is done with love and trust.  Love, trust, faith, hope, subservience, acquiescence... all in trust, nothing that I am.  All I am is because of the love of the Great One that made me, without the divine I am nothing.  What is life without He that assumed what is human and is born to die for me and for all?  Trust in the Divine.. the Divine mercy, the Divine love.. for Jesus and Mary are within me... For they are always in me even when they are silent.  Trust.. trust.. humility... small.. hidden among the hidden... unconditional love for the Jesus in all... sacrifice for the love of the One.... yes, invisible to all except the One that matters...

For them, for you I offer it all... for the children needing surgeries.. .. for all those hidden, alone.. for them... for me... for You.
----------------------
A week has passed since arriving home.  A set schedule for myself is needed to foster and encourage my prayer life.  Daily praying of the Divine Office has comforted me, reminded me, and leads to better inner prayer and is returning the inner silence and fostering a return to that touching of Jesus within that I lost contact with over these past almost four weeks.  Praying Lauds and Vespers and Evening prayer almost everyday and trying to fit in the smaller Hours.  Being home has shown where my main distractions, weaknesses and attachments are, at least for now.  This Sunday, today, I am praying to the Holy Spirit to guide me on a schedule to follow here at home to help keep me grounded in spiritual growth, to live for now hidden within the world yet living not of this world as God sees fit for me right now.

 

My Lenten meditation for this year

What words are needed when art can touch on it all?

Meditated on also while listening to  "What Child Is This?", because sometimes music helps the heart when it is weak.

"....artists have the privilege in the Church and throughout history, to open up so that people can see the mystery of God. The artist speaks, not just literally, but symbolically. Visual images, if well done, can move us. That's a ministry." Quote from Brother Michael Moran, C.P

 

Saint Gemma Galgani

March 12, 1878-April 11, 1903

Feast Day 11 APR

Divine Mercy Sunday 2010

Same day as my birthday

(No such thing as coincidence)

The word "Metanoia" means "conversion or repentance and the continual life of inner change and growth".



"Trials help greatly to detach us from earth. They make us look to God, rather than to this world." * St. Therese of Lisieux

Back home now, left Canada on Ash Wednesday. Did not consciously plan to leave that day, it was when my hotel was paid until and it was near the end of my money so God has blessed me with what will be an interesting start to Lent this year.

All I can say is this is a true time to depend and test my own willingness to trust completely in God's will for me. He is merciful and kind to allow me this period of love and testing. So into this heart of mine I strive to make a home pleasing to Mary my Queen and mother and friend. With Blessed Mary's guidance she will lead me into making this heart a place where Jesus may come and rest His head, where hopefully one day I can truly receive completely the love He has for me and I can truly give all to Him.

Off Again

I am off to Combermere again, going to spend Christmas up there. Should be a great experience! I hope and pray you all will find the path you are looking for, trust in Jesus he will take you and lead you to His Father's heart if you let him.

I will miss hearing from you all, thank you for your loving words and prayers. Know that I hold you close to my heart and always remember you in my prayers...I love you all and care deeply about you. Will try to check in the emails and reply back as often as I can, but as you know internet access if highly limited so be patient. :0)

Don't know how long my stay will be this time, like last time I will trust in the Holy Spirit and the folks up there and we will see..LOL, who ever knows anyway?

Peace and love to you all and stay warm (to those of you who live in colder climates) and Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! May God bless you throughout your days!

Love, L