Friday Morning Walk Under Darkened Clouds Above

Jesus in the Garden, painting featured in Pope Benedict's 2007 Station's of the Cross.

Today was a dark and cloudy day and my mood reflected it.

Walking and praying along the river's edge storm clouds building in the early morning, the quiet beauty of cloud filtered light accentuating God's creation all around. Quiet falls into two categories the good quiet and the bad quiet. The good quiet is that of peaceful prayer time or gentle calm inside. The bad is the quiet of either a low hearing day, which it is today or the quiet of isolation and loneliness which also was today. My personal cross that torments my being and rips into my heart.

Walking my mind cried out to my Lord,"Where are you today? I feel so small and alone, my hope is dark and all I see is isolation" Walking I prayed the simple prayers of trust and love, reminding me that even if I cannot feel Him, God is with me always. "O God come to my aid. O Lord, make haste to hear me..." on I went trying to push aside my cloudy mood and focusing on the meanings of the words. Jesus felt so alone and hurt when the people of his hometown laughed at Him and wanted to stone him.

"Father of Truth, behold your Son, a sacrifice pleasing to You...Your beloved Son sustained the nail and the lance because of my sins, so in His sufferings You are satisfied and I live."
So in Jesus' sufferings, I live. Oh how again my heart ached for again I can see the pain I caused to the savior of my soul and life. Forgive me dear God, forgive me dear Jesus wash me clean forget my past and save me from the evil one.

This week has been one of odd temptations. Not of the usual kind but dark flashes of mental and emotional scenarios playing a narrative in my mind. Dealing most with my weakest areas but never based on fact or past experience, I would shake my head and make it stop and if it didn't I would pray for help or offer it up depending on the subject matter. Then they would stop. So subtle the temptations, so seemingly innocent if not paying attention. But all had violence, and non-Christ like themes. Forgive me dear Lord for in the past when lost I use to say it does not matter what you think as long as you do not act. Another rationalization of grave error from my past.

"In honor of St Charbel's vow of poverty, Hail Mary full of grace..."

Dear Lord today let me remember all those who are feeling this same way, especially those with no hope inside. Use me to serve you, use my to spread your love. Take away all of me that is displeasing to the Father, as you said in the Garden "let Thy will be done". Never mine dear Lord, never mine take all that is "me" and strip it away like your clothes on that dark morning of your Passion. Let me serve and love you in some way to ease the hurt you felt when preaching the way to your loving Father the town's people would laugh at you and drive you from the town. For when you took on human form so humble and small you also took on our frail emotions. You felt the humiliation as you stood beaten and your Mother saw your beaten, whipped naked body. You felt the sadness inside you as your very people ran away too scared to stand beside you. Did your Father console you as you stood laughed at, as they chose a murderer over you? Did you stand there alone, enduring all of the mental torture with the physical as a man does, relying on that inner knowledge that God is with you? Did you so humble yourself for love of the Father and for us that you endured even the emotional slashing to your innocent, divine heart crying out to the Father for mercy on us slaying you? Yes you did.. for love. For love.

"In honor of St Charbel's vow of chastity... Hail Mary full of grace..."

Dear Jesus I try to understand why such hate exist among my fellow Christians towards gay people. I understand why, but if they would just follow your example and go to their gay brethren with love and not hate so many would not leave the Church or be so full of despair. Dear God I have met so many on line who are trying so hard to live good, righteous lives giving their lives to you with vows of celibate chastity, yet they are so persecuted and so hated that they hide in your Father's house. Please have mercy on them. Let them not feel alone, not be filled with despair for doing what is right for the love of you. I pray that the quiet members of your church will one day see the marvelous witness these faithful men and women are and one day will welcome them as family and give them support and love. Help me to reach out with the love you give me and comfort those who need warmth and support, or correction. Help those on the edge realize what a grace it is to give your life this way for God, and protect them from temptation.

"In honor of St Charbel's vow of obedience, Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee.."

Obedience like love is an act of the will and an act of the heart. So easy to say, so hard to do. How many times have I failed to understand the depths of obeying my God? The more I learn, the more my heart is opened- the more I see the flaws within my self. O so willing I will obey my heart cries in love's glorious rapture. How weak my flesh is to the little things never noticed before. Break me dear Jesus as you were broken. Bless me with Thy love, re shape me from the clay so I may never offend in the least way you, your Father or the Holy Spirit. Teach me how to reform my life in total service to your will. To serve you by loving all your creation and by always putting your will first in loving my neighbor as your servant. Give me the grace to lay on the cross beside you out of love for the Father, out of love for You. Help me to be your joy filled slave even when times are dark and you feel so far away. Let me always remember you are here beside me and inside me, divine love residing deep in my heart. Break me down so you can raise me up.

Walking I prayed in drizzling rain. Like tiny drops of water blessing my pain.

I give this to you dear Mary, my Mother as an offering to Jesus for those I have failed to pray for lately. As penance for my selfishness these past few weeks. I know the sun will return and many lessons will be learned from this loneliness invading my being.

And you know what, it did fade and the sun did return... not great beaming blast but a day spent in prayer as pain often brings, a redoubled effort as chores were done. I walked awhile so my Jesus could show me a way to unite my human weakness with His garden path(again I am so slow to learn but He so patient). To remind me where I came from and how far I have come thanks only to the love of the Father, the love of my Lord and the love of the Spirit that whispers inside me. Use me in service to Thy will so I might show others the glory of You.

Eucharistic Adoration tonight! Yeah, always a great way to end a long day!

Reflections and A 4 A.M. Book

What wonder is our Lord! He reaches down to someone like me and touches my heart and soul, inspires my mind to loftier heights, me a nobody in this world of ours, someone easily invisible in a crowd. He reaches all the way down, down with His Holy Spirit, with His Son's loving heart to teach me and to love me. He reaches down so low to my hiding place and sees me covering my face with shame, and ever so gently moves my hands. Tells me He loves me for He made me. My repentant pleas heard, my sins forgiven, my desire is only to love Him and all that is of Him, my Lord my God. My Lord, My God live within me for they love me, they know all of me yet still they fill my heart with their divine presence. They have the Holy Spirit beside me guiding me and giving the gifts of Divine Love. How blessed am I to have a God so merciful and kind? So humbled I am that He lifts me up to see His light. Me- me... how preciously humbling.

So many lessons, so many trails, so many pains I have endured over these past few months, few years. But Oh! So much joy and love! Never a painful lesson taught, or sorrow endured without also God's loving consolation. Never a fear faced, or pruning cut made without Jesus' loving hand reaching to comfort me. No confusion too great, no discouragement too long before the Holy Spirit comes to comfort me. How humbled am I, how very humble I've been made to see without veil or darkness the immense love our Mysterious God has for everyone of us if we would just ask, obey, and reach for Him with true love no matter how far down we buried it in our hearts.

Our Father, God Almighty ask no more from us then He asked of Jesus His only begotten Son. Love, He wants our love pure and simple like that of a child. Love unwavering and unquestioning, it has been so long since I have felt love inside my heart. My pride, my fears, my life sealed off the warmth that I knew once lived there. So long since I had loved another in that deep intimate way, so long since I had a friendship that I did not have to shut off parts of my heart for fear.. fear they would misconstrue my filial love for something it wasn't. Sealed from the pain when all I thought were my friends suddenly abandoned me in my darkest hours. Love pure, warm, joyous has touched me again. It makes me smile and laugh and gaze at the world with wonder at God's mercy and compassion for his wandering child. Love He has shown someone so insignificant and injured like me. Our God is a loving God, his Son a gentle peace giving Master and brother, his Divine Spirit the power and deliverer of the Divine Love. All we have to do is ask and lovingly bow down.
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Woke up the other morning at 4 am, before my eyes I saw a book and a weird word as it's title. My morning addled brain struggled to read and comprehend the title of the book written on a dark background with a picture of pine trees a blue sky and what looked like an odd cabin in the foreground. Then I heard it as my southern brain wrapped around the word "Sobornost". LOL, needless to say that got me awake with a big "Whhaaatt? Sobornost? OK Linda, why are we seeing a book with a funny Russian word before our mind's eye clear enough to read at 4 am?" Ahhhh- it's one of those Madonna House books, has to be the art style looks familiar and it is the only place were I have seen Russian titled books around. Alright y if this is you working Holy Spirit let's see if we can find it on-line so I don;t go by there in the am and seem like a total crazy. Sure enough there it was,a book about the Holy Trinity and a generic description that didn't tell much to a caffeine deprived, half asleep night person. So trundled back to sleep wondering until the later more humane hours to wake up, move and think.

Long story short I don't know what it is about that house with the blue door and the nice people living inside but it has had a weird effect on me. The Holy Spirit has somehow given me a gift to end up going there and using it as a boot camp for my soul. LOL, except for the physical aspect I think basic training was a bit easier! Like I mentioned elsewhere when there my mind moves in a different way, the built-in flippant side of me shuts down, and not one visit almost has not revealed something about my self, my behavior, or given me an example of living a life focused on God realized. Went told my story in the morning and sure 'nuff there is a book there by that name and off to home I went to read it later after spending the day with Mom.

Took me over 5 and a half hours to make it through the first 46 pages. Not that it was a difficult read but there was so much to contemplate on and so many things that congealed things from previous contemplations I had had. So many simple yet profound concepts explained in a different way or just worthy of further contemplation. I'll write more later on the actual book and subject matter but I see how Catherine Dogherty built Madonna House on the principal of Sobornost and prayed to achieve it within the MH community and then to spread it eventually through the Catholic, Orthodox and Christian communities and onward.Thus uniting all in an ideal hopeand prayer to God. A truly beautiful unity between people and the Holy Trinity reflecting and infused with the Holy Trinity's perfect divine unity between God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That is probably not a very good summation at all and much of it is my own opinion and grasp of how I see all this at this hour and day, so bound to change as time passes.

To describe this sobornost??? Some things exist in the intellect, others the visual, others the emotional... this falls within the realm of God it speaks to the heart and soul. Like golden threaded gossamer the clarity is seen in shifting rays of light only. Felt like a breeze blows over your skin, a whispered touch to the soul's truth. So simple, so very very simple that the understanding is grasped but the mind's desire to hold it is feeble for it reigns not in the mind's domain but the heart's. Love, once again it all boils down to God's love for us, our love for God, and our call to love all in loving subservience to the whisper of the Holy Spirit. It is about the Trinity's ever growing example of love lived within ourselves and with our neighbor and with God always the center and focus. A life like Nazareth and the perfect love and unity the Holy Family shared and how that love shared and spilled over to incorporate all who fell within that loving circle willing to fully partake. It is a vision of how the soul hungers for a more perfect way of living here on earth during our exile and hope for Heaven.

See simple concept so hard to describe in such finite words limited and constraining of something of God's realm with its infinite depths and levels.

OK more on this later on... somehow.. better yet get the book from the Madonna House bookstore yourself and read with an open heart "Sobornost" by Catherine de Hueck Doherty. More people should read this book and not just Catholics but all Christians at the very least.

Friday Night Ramble to Self

So another Thursday has passed, this one a rough mix of emotions. The sadness from Sunshine's death hit more in the evening once the silence of the day descended and there wasn't a furry face meowing for attention. This morning too quiet with no a.m. food begging parade. Walked slowly through the park today just taking in the sights and the moment.

I missed my Maronite Divine Liturgy the past week plus got to go the past 2 days-yeah! (Father was out of town and had another priest, Roman Rite, fill in. Funny watching all the parishioners trying to remember what to do and say when. Fill in was great Homilist tho!) Was going to Roman Rite weekday Mass which is just as wonderful and sacred just was the shorter working people's Mass,lol, speed Mass I call 'em. Just something about the pace, the prayers and more active role the lay people take in the Maronite Liturgy especially during the weekdays. The main Sunday Divine Liturgy is actually the one I avoid preferring the more quiet Saturday night service. The intimacy more tangible, more silent for prayer and becoming lost within the ritual, readings, intentions, and humbling glory of being in the real presence of our Lord Jesus.

Nothing feeds my soul more then eyes closed and listening in either Rite...must be due the fine line between hearing world and non-hearing world I lived in so often in my first 30 some years. Silence and sound mixed throughout Mass is transcendental for me... a contemplative cocktail of God's wonder to my being. Rhythm of prayers, responses spoken in unison, the chains of the incensor (sp?)in its rhythmic swinging, singing voices harmonizing in such beauty, the deep burden and offering of the priest as he kneels and asks for mercy and all join singing the Kyrie Eleison. Soft humbling, yearning and joyous. No matter the Rite the silence and sounds unite our love for the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit- it never gets trite or old instead my love for it all just grows.
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Love is beauty... from the welcoming caress of a mother's hand on her new baby's head, to the gentle farewell caress on the dying person's cheek and forehead. The eyes reaching out with pure love.

No where however horrific can escape the beauty of love. The sister picking maggots from a lepers sores, what beauty! What love! The gentle eyes of a stranger warmly smiling to the homeless crazy man fighting invisible enemies giving him a reprieve from society's judgments. What simple loving mercy! A tortured prisoner languishing in a cell remembering the sounds of his children's laughter, letting the love fill him and lifting his world from hell to a momentary Eden of love's hope. What strength is love!

Love's grace in darkness, love's glory in light.

God's most simple gift and most profound treasure... His Divine Love. How did we wretched humans ever deign such a wondrous gift? Through Christ's Passion...For Jesus' love for us lost children did He humbly mingled with the vileness of our fallen nature knowing we will make Him suffer and die. His love is what gave us merit. His Love gave us hope. Everyday He is crucified anew by our actions and thoughts, everyday He lovingly forgives the repentant heart. Love.

In Corinthians reading today "the things that no eye has seen and no ear has heard, things beyond the mind of man, all that God has prepared for those who love him. These are the very things that God has revealed to us through the Spirit." God's love touches us and opens the senses, heart and mind. Only with love can we be transformed... simplistic I know but still true.

Love makes the blind man see and the deaf man hear... removes the cloth that covers our hearts so He might fill it with the grace of His love. There is no real, lasting beauty in this world without God's grace. An atheist might see the natural beauty of the tree, an artist the beauty of the tree's lines but only with love of the Divine Master can a man see the true grace filled beauty and prayer each tree gives for the glory of God's creation. Only then can we feel the God within the tree.

LOL, didn't say it was some grand insightful ramble, just a mental floss note to myself so I can re-read later. Been a long exhausting 2 days, and I am tired. Good night moon.

Sunshine

A unusual day, my cat Sunshine died early this morning. It was a mercy for she did not have to suffer long from kidney failure. She was about 15-17 years old, not sure exactly I got her right after I convinced my ex to move out, times are fuzzy from that period. Sunshine had a special knack for showing and giving love. Maybe because she was abandoned as a kitten? She then shuffled from my ex's apt to her Mom's and when they didn't want to deal with her I got her. What a blessing that was looking back.

As I dug her grave, sweating and not thinking much, just letting the thoughts flow where they might I remembered how when I was so depressed my very bones ached she would come up and just be there with me. Not wanting any special petting or food... just there looking at me with tender eyes so full of raw innocent love, like she was willing to make me feel the care within her heart. Like she was telling me that she would never leave me as all the others in my life faded away.

Sunshine made my Grandmother love her despite my Grandmother claiming she didn't like cats. LOL, I remember eating dinner one night, nice take out from Habor's Landing featuring G'ma's fav broiled scallops.. then pop G'ma would toss part of a scallop on the floor near Sunshine like I wouldn't notice! When G'ma was in her final hours Sunshine delicately jumped up on the bed and nudged G'ma's hand and lightly did a single cheek rub on Grandma's face like she was saying good bye. Sunshine never before dared to jump on Grandma's bed or lap save that one time.

Yeah, I am going to miss this special cat who would hug my hand as I fell asleep and then would go off to the foot of the bed after about 15 minutes. That's it the last of my cats except Monroe who is more my parents cat since she has lived with them the last 13 years. We have our miracle kitty Chance, but he is more David's cat he showed up 6 months after John died and took an immediate shine to David especially after surviving anti-freeze poisoning. Hence the nick Miracle kitty given him by the vet's office and the VT School of vet medicine. They had never seen a cat survive as sick as he was... Chance was gentle and never dared think he was alpha to her.

Sleep well Sunshine, maybe our paths will cross again on the other side?

The trees, rocks, and river of my youth transformed into a shadow of itself but still it's essence remains.

every nuanced gradient of shade in the bark some accentuating the craggy deep cuts of roughened growth as the tree stretched hungrily for the sun and river... decades and decades of yearning and being.

The rocks tossed by floods, rolls and smoothed by the never ceasing river,, all friends joined to serve, protect and welcome me as I sat inches from the eddying water...

In my youth here is where I sat and learned the secret sacredness of the world. Of God's great glory, His perfect piece of art for all to wonder and praise His majesty.

Here by the river I learned in the silent roar of rushing river the Creator's brush,
The Great One's gentle power over all things.

Down by the river all time stopped and the heart expanded in the praise of the unknown Master Artist.

From Spitting Nails To Wishing Nails

Short lil'in one ear and out the other venting baby rant.... quitting smoking- hard!

So this am I had the bright idea in the shower that quitting smoking is like the Gospel passage where a man sins seven or seventy or a million seventy times a day.. so like smoking you fail several times a day and some are easier then others.. yada-yada. Nuff said there

All is fine for me but get me around my family, who are salt of the earth, the most wonderful, kind, loving, give ya anything ya need people, who ALL smoke!!! Did not plan on joining them for lunch but had Mom's office papers and Mass let out early enough thought I could get them to her at my bro's office. Ended up going to lunch with them... like I said I loving best family in the world but by the time we got back to my brother's office afterwards I could have fought a battalion or just curl up alone and hide.... SMOKE SMOKE all around smoke that bitchy gene was kicking in and a head ache from hell was joining in just fer kicks. Then went to post office to drop off passport application and the gal said you have to call for an appointment...grrrrrrrr... ya know how much I love fed govt BS..la-la-laa.. ok I call the number and a voicemail informs me to leave my number and WAIT for them to call me back... WT*?? So now I am home waiting for the USPS trolls to call me back so I can drop off my passport app....la-la-la-la,...
Please pardon the rant sometimes ya just have to articulate the frustrations to be rid of them.


!!!!!!!----OK Life is back in synch again-Thanks be to God! St Andrews had their once a month Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament(Eucharistic Adoration) so went there for the whole thing 5pm-7pm...AHHHHHH Our God is an AWESOME GOD!

Such a humble state hidden and vunerable yet so strong, immediate, unintimidating! Oh what a glorious 2 hours in the church of my youth! Jesus reminded me of the loving times spent there as a child. My mind's eye captivated once again in the evening sunlight by the stained glass windows, the ornate decorations, the beauty of this church with such humble beginnings. this 'castle on the hill' my protestant friends would call it.

Ahh-- images of my grandparents in their Sunday best sitting near the front.. happenstance( we know what I think about that- it rarely is coincidence) I was sitting 4 pews back on Mary's side where they would sit most Sundays for who knows how many decades. My Grandmother's pure strong soprano voice singing gloriously in my ear, my grandfather's coat a faint hint of pipe tobacco... With eyes of a child I could see again the people from the back of the church as the sun beamed through the rose window and we would find our seats before Mass. the choir bursting in song for the season and everybody raising as the priest and alter boys entered bearing the crucifix before them. Faint hints of incense drifted in my childhood memories transporting me to the wonderment I felt as a toddler, young child, young teen.

Oh how I gazed up at the giant crucifix above the alter Sunday after Sunday telling Jesus my young thoughts, mystified at times at why this gentle man would not just come down from there and play. LOL, so when very little I would sneak my crucifix out to the backyard where we had our 'hole to China" with roads and caves cut in and play with Him there because Jesus needed to have fun too I reasoned in my stubborn little mind. As He and I would battle the devil and always win, or marvel at the sky and wonders in the backyard adventures.

Love, love, love! All around me images and smells, thoughts and songs of love! From my family to the mass, to my first communion to confirmation, confession in the dark safe boxes, to my wondering why I ever drifted away. LOVE! I was shown love through those 2 hours of simple things and complex mysteries! LOVE! How Jesus heard the pleas of His Mother praying to Him on my behalf and sending the Holy Spirit to save me that dark night. The mystery of the Holy body, Blood Soul and divinity of Jesus in that most sacred humble Sacrament of bread and wine transubstantiated into His real present self. How He was there listening to every person praying there listening to their heartfelt prayers, hopes, fears, dreams, needs as if no other existed in the world. How at that moment somewhere in the world His precious Body was being broken by a priest for our salvation our little way of joining into His great sacrifice for us.

Love! To reminding me how one week ago He told me that nothing mattered except Him, Jesus. No one else mattered except for Him, Jesus.. To let the fears of the past go and to follow Him completely. Then he reminded me of the dream I had Thursday night that made it clear that all could and should be left behind including my family for they will be fine and if I stayed with them over Him I would be following the wrong path and I knew it. Then I asked Him to please make it easy to know the path since I have a bit of a problem differentiating subtly of His and that of my own desires. Oh how wonderful to talk with Jesus this way! He showed me an image of Him as a baby small, vulnerable depending on His human parents completely to care for Him and how I need to be like that child and depend completely on Him and to trust Him with all things. It may not happen on my time scale but He will lead and make the path when He wills it... and so it shall be!

Also used the smoking as a way to show that I and all men will fall as He did during the Crucifixion. He fell with us so we can see that we fall and we ask for forgiveness and help from God and then we get right back up and continue carrying our cross with Him. Onward up the hill to Calvary, upward struggling, suffering, seeing the love of the women and Blessed Mary knowing that even in extreme suffering there will always be love with us reaching out to wipe our face, offer us water, and to give us complete gentle caring love... just as Jesus went through so shall we... the good, the ugly, the tortuous.. all for the glory of God!

Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit! As it was in the beginning, is now and shall ever be. Amen! Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!

June-What A Month It Has Been

June, what a month-what a month it has been.

Impossible to put into words all learnt this month by the grace of God. It has swung from sick and painful to healthy and gentle, anguished to peace filled, sorrow to joy.

A month so full of seemingly contradictory sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, emotions. So long, so much learned, so much seen of others and my own self... so long a month that now in the closing hours of the day on the thirtieth my mind is inept to find words. Years worth of life fitted within these past short 30 days. So long a month I would gladly walk through again without hesitation for I was never alone.

Interesting, growing, insightful, struggling, yet I learned so much through all these seemingly tiny lessons intermixed throughout. Lessons given by others, by happenstance(I don't believe in coincidence though, so what word to use?). Humbling lessons that I am so thankful to be enlightened to... never much fun to learn one's own fault's, arrogance, flippancy and its effects on others and self.

For every dark time, shamed time, struggle I am thankful. Layer by layer I want to be pared down. Simplified to only one singular focus however it unfolds on the path before me... for I am trying to walk in trust of the one greater then us all. Trying to relearn what true loves means again in a real life sense and that nothing matters but the now and the openness to all it contains.

Love this Song! "Beautiful Brokenness" by Sue Peters

Wish I had a media player on this blog! In the song description Sue said at Mass one day as she watched the priest break Jesus in the Holy Eucharist her heart prayed "break me like you are broken". Thus the Spirit moved her and this song was written. It is a wonderful prayer, the Spirit lead me to stumble upon it and now I offer it everyday. Thanks Sue for listening and answering the call to create.


"Beautiful Brokenness"

Beautiful Brokenness, lead me to holiness.

Take my pride so I can see the gift of true humility,Beautiful Brokenness.

Beautiful brokenness, lead me to holiness.

Take my will so I can see the gift of faith is all I need, Beautiful Brokenness.

Take me, bless me, break me, consecrate me.

Take me, bless me, break me, consecrate me, Lord, in your beautiful brokenness.

Beautiful Brokenness, lead me to holiness.

Take my heart, take all of me, make me pure, make me clean Beautiful Brokenness.

Take me, bless me, break me, consecrate me, Lord.

As you are broken, break me today.

As you are broken, break me today.

As you are broken, break me today.

As you are broken, break me today.

Take me! Bless me! Break me! Consecrate me!

Take me. Bless me. Break me. Consecrate me, Lord, in your beautiful brokenness.

in your beautiful brokenness

Beautiful Brokenness,

lead me to holiness

Written and performed by Sue Peters 2008 CD "Beautiful Brokenness"

Lyrics transcribed by me, so any mess ups are my fault and please notify me so I can correct them.

Rambling- just skip it boring yakking for my own mental flossing

Mass this morning at Madonna House was the highlight of my day. To see the people gathered in this humble place from such diverse walks of life is humbling. Poor, rich, smart, burnt out, loving parents, grandparents all joined in one common purpose- to glorify God and to share with the priest the Divine Liturgy. Such beautiful people, how I wish I could just be invisible and watch, listen to the flow of struggling, loving humanity touched by Jesus around those rooms. All that my heart could think throughout was "Lord, it is good for us to be here" in big bold letters like above the altar at St Elias Church. Yes, it is good for us to be here.

I was glad to be there, the MH people have been so giving to me despite my many problems. I don't know why but when there it was like when I would talk to another special person in my return to the fullness of my faith's journey. Don't know to describe it.. it is like I cannot put on the public face like I use to before. My mind shuts down at the weirdest times, my thoughts reflect the confusion I feel inside about my own spiritual journey and how lost I felt this past year trying to struggle on my own with no guidance.

For once in my life I freely admit the mess my sinfulness and idiot ways have gotten me into-I am a shadow of that former self! Once I was smart, clever the center of the party, able to converse with all societal levels and my company enjoyed, sought after. LOL, now I can barely hold my end of a boring social chit chat. All I want to follow and live the path Jesus gave and to most importantly love Jesus completely with no regard to my own self. Before I had a Mensa level IQ, now I can barely finish a book in a few weeks. LOL, God has humbled me with a 2 by 4 several times over!

Interesting. I just thank the Holy Spirit for leading me there. I do admit one guilt and that is it makes me hunger for more. To jump in completely over my head to leave all behind to go wherever the Holy Spirit leads me in service and love of the Almighty God, the Triune God that formed me. I pray that God would take the clay of me, crumble me up and reshape me into a new L-. A L- that is me yet is nothing of the old me other then a memory. Sigh, it fires up anew this calling that I have felt since that Nov 1 st night. But at my age and with my history.. but especially me age. Waited to make sure it wasn't exuberance, but that just made me even older since even then I was sure it wasn't me but God calling. What have I to give this world in the world? I am a nobody, a nothing. Not married and never will be... no children and never will have any... no vocation of the world, and no calling to any even at this age... never really had one. Would marvel at those around me that seemed so sure and drawn to something specific that they seemed to love as their job for life.

If it was up to my own selfish desires I would run to a cloistered community and spend the rest of my days in community praying, that is my one desire with nothing else coming close. But due my sins, my failings, more selfishness unless God calls in a miracle, all that too has passed. Would love to at least go and work up in Canada and experience life in a community gathered in common purpose and love for Christ. I'll think about that after my tests on Tuesday, then I can see what God has in store for me.

Please pray for me they find what is wrong, but not anything too wrong. I have had no dreams warning me of anything serious, good... but there is so much I would like to plan yet I cannot because I am waiting for Tuesday. Pray for my spiritual health the physical is nothing, but my weakness in faith is humbling and I am ashamed of my failures. I felt the Spirit calling me to continue my fasting after Thursday for an old friend that needs the prayers so I did gladly. No one knew about the fast save P& M anyway do made it easier to continue since I rarely eat with anybody. But I failed because I did slip and smoke and that was one of my sacrifices to Jesus. Especially today I smoked over 7 cigs! I am sorry, you bore thorns and nails, abandonment and the whip for me and I could not even keep this simple thing true for you. Was being around my family that all smoke and the routines.. I am weak when left to my own devices. Jesus I need your strength to raise me up away from my self.
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None of this self aggrandizing behavior matters! Ahhh just take me and do what you desire and I will serve gladly dear Jesus, make it hard for I deserve it all! Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain any and all I will gladly carry for you just please, please let me be made a little bit worthy so when I die I might be able to join you dear Jesus and Mary. Please just let me serve, if I must grovel before you I will and I will be thankful for it. You told me this week by the river in that inner voice to worry about no one except for you Jesus. Because you knew I was afraid that others would start to say I had lost it if they saw such writing as this... I am trusting you Jesus, I am trusting you for I have no other to trust save you.. Nothing else matters but you. If it means they want to try and dope me up then I will trust in Jesus that maybe out there somewhere He will send an advocate spurred by the Holy Spirit or by Mary running to wrap her arms around me... Hope..hope.. trust.. I trust in you my love.. I trust in you dear Jesus.. anything, everything you ask with your grace I will jump in both feet over my head.. trusting and hoping in You.

Art, Artist and the Divine Artist- 2 am musing

To create the modern artist is taught the ego births the process, feeds the tangibles and intangibles... a demigod of his dominion. The folly that ensnares, imprisons and loses the soul of many modern artist.

To create the artist must remove the self from the process, yet it takes a complete devotion of the self to create from little something that speaks volumes to another human.

To create the artist must remove self from the process. To create the artist must remove the self from the work. To create the artist must be the moment, silent searching.

To glorify God the artist must devote the self to the silent prayer of life's simple complexity.

Walking a paradoxical line of being completely there yet never to be there. The artist must be completely lost in love to the higher calling.

The artist always must be the instrument of Creation and never the source.

Complete in emptiness the artist soars if made into the nothingness of everything.

More I crave.. more my heart yearns.. nothing else satisfies. Nothing else matters unless turned to the One. For the love of the One my breath draws hope.

Oh, to swim deep into the stream only to rise up anew, ever changed never to look back.

To the marrow... within the atoms of being.. only one desire screams out. Silent yearning, only one wish, one focus. Always failing, but never stopping- a fool's lament I live out. Trusting I hope, Trusting I know that one day... one day I may be worthy.

stained and far away, ever failing I must try harder.. for you.
For you, I know see me. You watch me. You know me better then I,myself. You will let me fall but in falling you draw me closer to you...

how can not the world see your merciful gentleness?

Our Lord is a merciful God.

Into the desert he leads us with nothing more then His Word.

Stripping us of self and stripping us of vice.

Into the desert we go for love of Him, seeking His face of mercy.

Into the desert we journey, humbled we stay.

He leads us to drink from His river of grace.

Glory be God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit! Heaven and earth are full of your great glory. Hosanna in the highest! Teach me to be nothing, love me into a vessel filled with only You. Use me as Thy slave with no desire but to please. Bless me with mercy so I may be an instrument of your light, your love, and your life.

Please dear sweet Jesus,
Take me to the desert and show me Thy river.

Last few weeks have been... good, very good. Nothing forces out stagnation and teach lessons then being pushed out of the comfort zone, which never was all that comfy anyway. That good ol' 'reflection over the day' type of stuff bringing fruition of inner awareness/growth(? let's hope) by opening the eyes, heart and mind to the self's errors and habits, fears and desires. May not bring the best sleep though... ROFL, justifiably!

Today the Christ is born/Christmas song fixation(is that even the right use of the word?) stopped... working quietly in the yard, listening to the day... when the mind got to yakking. Stopped it with whatever seemed right for the moment... a prayer, a phrase, a quote , or the most common- a simple 'be quiet'.

How I cringe inside when I see what my behavior and self had become over the years... thank God He is merciful and for every lesson learned in painful humiliating awareness, another will be taught that will make the current tame. LOL, what was that phrase? Be careful what you pray for? :0)

DL'd a great song last week, "Beautiful Brokenness" by Sue Peters on the "2008 Best of New Catholic Music"
-" ...Take me. Bless me. Break me. Consecrate me, Lord, in your beautiful brokeness.
... As you are broken, break me today..."

7 Catholic Websites

The New Jerusalem Bible -searchable

Liturgy of the Hours Universalis. RSS feed, tracks your time zone

The Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary website and a zip file.

Daily Prayer Page -Great site that has the Daily Readings, Liturgy of the Hours, audio and video prayer of the day and many links to cover your prayer searches in fast to use format.

"The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ" by Anne Catherine Emmerich

" The Imitation of Christ" by Thoma A Kempis

Prayer Of The Day, (also a Windows Sidebar gadget)