Jesus in the Garden, painting featured in Pope Benedict's 2007 Station's of the Cross.
Today was a dark and cloudy day and my mood reflected it.
Walking and praying along the river's edge storm clouds building in the early morning, the quiet beauty of cloud filtered light accentuating God's creation all around. Quiet falls into two categories the good quiet and the bad quiet. The good quiet is that of peaceful prayer time or gentle calm inside. The bad is the quiet of either a low hearing day, which it is today or the quiet of isolation and loneliness which also was today. My personal cross that torments my being and rips into my heart.
Walking my mind cried out to my Lord,"Where are you today? I feel so small and alone, my hope is dark and all I see is isolation" Walking I prayed the simple prayers of trust and love, reminding me that even if I cannot feel Him, God is with me always. "O God come to my aid. O Lord, make haste to hear me..." on I went trying to push aside my cloudy mood and focusing on the meanings of the words. Jesus felt so alone and hurt when the people of his hometown laughed at Him and wanted to stone him.
"Father of Truth, behold your Son, a sacrifice pleasing to You...Your beloved Son sustained the nail and the lance because of my sins, so in His sufferings You are satisfied and I live."
So in Jesus' sufferings, I live. Oh how again my heart ached for again I can see the pain I caused to the savior of my soul and life. Forgive me dear God, forgive me dear Jesus wash me clean forget my past and save me from the evil one.
This week has been one of odd temptations. Not of the usual kind but dark flashes of mental and emotional scenarios playing a narrative in my mind. Dealing most with my weakest areas but never based on fact or past experience, I would shake my head and make it stop and if it didn't I would pray for help or offer it up depending on the subject matter. Then they would stop. So subtle the temptations, so seemingly innocent if not paying attention. But all had violence, and non-Christ like themes. Forgive me dear Lord for in the past when lost I use to say it does not matter what you think as long as you do not act. Another rationalization of grave error from my past.
"In honor of St Charbel's vow of poverty, Hail Mary full of grace..."
Dear Lord today let me remember all those who are feeling this same way, especially those with no hope inside. Use me to serve you, use my to spread your love. Take away all of me that is displeasing to the Father, as you said in the Garden "let Thy will be done". Never mine dear Lord, never mine take all that is "me" and strip it away like your clothes on that dark morning of your Passion. Let me serve and love you in some way to ease the hurt you felt when preaching the way to your loving Father the town's people would laugh at you and drive you from the town. For when you took on human form so humble and small you also took on our frail emotions. You felt the humiliation as you stood beaten and your Mother saw your beaten, whipped naked body. You felt the sadness inside you as your very people ran away too scared to stand beside you. Did your Father console you as you stood laughed at, as they chose a murderer over you? Did you stand there alone, enduring all of the mental torture with the physical as a man does, relying on that inner knowledge that God is with you? Did you so humble yourself for love of the Father and for us that you endured even the emotional slashing to your innocent, divine heart crying out to the Father for mercy on us slaying you? Yes you did.. for love. For love.
"In honor of St Charbel's vow of chastity... Hail Mary full of grace..."
Dear Jesus I try to understand why such hate exist among my fellow Christians towards gay people. I understand why, but if they would just follow your example and go to their gay brethren with love and not hate so many would not leave the Church or be so full of despair. Dear God I have met so many on line who are trying so hard to live good, righteous lives giving their lives to you with vows of celibate chastity, yet they are so persecuted and so hated that they hide in your Father's house. Please have mercy on them. Let them not feel alone, not be filled with despair for doing what is right for the love of you. I pray that the quiet members of your church will one day see the marvelous witness these faithful men and women are and one day will welcome them as family and give them support and love. Help me to reach out with the love you give me and comfort those who need warmth and support, or correction. Help those on the edge realize what a grace it is to give your life this way for God, and protect them from temptation.
"In honor of St Charbel's vow of obedience, Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee.."
Obedience like love is an act of the will and an act of the heart. So easy to say, so hard to do. How many times have I failed to understand the depths of obeying my God? The more I learn, the more my heart is opened- the more I see the flaws within my self. O so willing I will obey my heart cries in love's glorious rapture. How weak my flesh is to the little things never noticed before. Break me dear Jesus as you were broken. Bless me with Thy love, re shape me from the clay so I may never offend in the least way you, your Father or the Holy Spirit. Teach me how to reform my life in total service to your will. To serve you by loving all your creation and by always putting your will first in loving my neighbor as your servant. Give me the grace to lay on the cross beside you out of love for the Father, out of love for You. Help me to be your joy filled slave even when times are dark and you feel so far away. Let me always remember you are here beside me and inside me, divine love residing deep in my heart. Break me down so you can raise me up.
Walking I prayed in drizzling rain. Like tiny drops of water blessing my pain.
I give this to you dear Mary, my Mother as an offering to Jesus for those I have failed to pray for lately. As penance for my selfishness these past few weeks. I know the sun will return and many lessons will be learned from this loneliness invading my being.
And you know what, it did fade and the sun did return... not great beaming blast but a day spent in prayer as pain often brings, a redoubled effort as chores were done. I walked awhile so my Jesus could show me a way to unite my human weakness with His garden path(again I am so slow to learn but He so patient). To remind me where I came from and how far I have come thanks only to the love of the Father, the love of my Lord and the love of the Spirit that whispers inside me. Use me in service to Thy will so I might show others the glory of You.
Eucharistic Adoration tonight! Yeah, always a great way to end a long day!
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