Mass this morning at Madonna House was the highlight of my day. To see the people gathered in this humble place from such diverse walks of life is humbling. Poor, rich, smart, burnt out, loving parents, grandparents all joined in one common purpose- to glorify God and to share with the priest the Divine Liturgy. Such beautiful people, how I wish I could just be invisible and watch, listen to the flow of struggling, loving humanity touched by Jesus around those rooms. All that my heart could think throughout was "Lord, it is good for us to be here" in big bold letters like above the altar at St Elias Church. Yes, it is good for us to be here.
I was glad to be there, the MH people have been so giving to me despite my many problems. I don't know why but when there it was like when I would talk to another special person in my return to the fullness of my faith's journey. Don't know to describe it.. it is like I cannot put on the public face like I use to before. My mind shuts down at the weirdest times, my thoughts reflect the confusion I feel inside about my own spiritual journey and how lost I felt this past year trying to struggle on my own with no guidance.
For once in my life I freely admit the mess my sinfulness and idiot ways have gotten me into-I am a shadow of that former self! Once I was smart, clever the center of the party, able to converse with all societal levels and my company enjoyed, sought after. LOL, now I can barely hold my end of a boring social chit chat. All I want to follow and live the path Jesus gave and to most importantly love Jesus completely with no regard to my own self. Before I had a Mensa level IQ, now I can barely finish a book in a few weeks. LOL, God has humbled me with a 2 by 4 several times over!
Interesting. I just thank the Holy Spirit for leading me there. I do admit one guilt and that is it makes me hunger for more. To jump in completely over my head to leave all behind to go wherever the Holy Spirit leads me in service and love of the Almighty God, the Triune God that formed me. I pray that God would take the clay of me, crumble me up and reshape me into a new L-. A L- that is me yet is nothing of the old me other then a memory. Sigh, it fires up anew this calling that I have felt since that Nov 1 st night. But at my age and with my history.. but especially me age. Waited to make sure it wasn't exuberance, but that just made me even older since even then I was sure it wasn't me but God calling. What have I to give this world in the world? I am a nobody, a nothing. Not married and never will be... no children and never will have any... no vocation of the world, and no calling to any even at this age... never really had one. Would marvel at those around me that seemed so sure and drawn to something specific that they seemed to love as their job for life.
If it was up to my own selfish desires I would run to a cloistered community and spend the rest of my days in community praying, that is my one desire with nothing else coming close. But due my sins, my failings, more selfishness unless God calls in a miracle, all that too has passed. Would love to at least go and work up in Canada and experience life in a community gathered in common purpose and love for Christ. I'll think about that after my tests on Tuesday, then I can see what God has in store for me.
Please pray for me they find what is wrong, but not anything too wrong. I have had no dreams warning me of anything serious, good... but there is so much I would like to plan yet I cannot because I am waiting for Tuesday. Pray for my spiritual health the physical is nothing, but my weakness in faith is humbling and I am ashamed of my failures. I felt the Spirit calling me to continue my fasting after Thursday for an old friend that needs the prayers so I did gladly. No one knew about the fast save P& M anyway do made it easier to continue since I rarely eat with anybody. But I failed because I did slip and smoke and that was one of my sacrifices to Jesus. Especially today I smoked over 7 cigs! I am sorry, you bore thorns and nails, abandonment and the whip for me and I could not even keep this simple thing true for you. Was being around my family that all smoke and the routines.. I am weak when left to my own devices. Jesus I need your strength to raise me up away from my self.
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None of this self aggrandizing behavior matters! Ahhh just take me and do what you desire and I will serve gladly dear Jesus, make it hard for I deserve it all! Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain any and all I will gladly carry for you just please, please let me be made a little bit worthy so when I die I might be able to join you dear Jesus and Mary. Please just let me serve, if I must grovel before you I will and I will be thankful for it. You told me this week by the river in that inner voice to worry about no one except for you Jesus. Because you knew I was afraid that others would start to say I had lost it if they saw such writing as this... I am trusting you Jesus, I am trusting you for I have no other to trust save you.. Nothing else matters but you. If it means they want to try and dope me up then I will trust in Jesus that maybe out there somewhere He will send an advocate spurred by the Holy Spirit or by Mary running to wrap her arms around me... Hope..hope.. trust.. I trust in you my love.. I trust in you dear Jesus.. anything, everything you ask with your grace I will jump in both feet over my head.. trusting and hoping in You.
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