Holy Week starts tomorrow, well, this morning..Palm Sunday..the day where Jesus is meet with great adoration while they plan his death.  Yet, selfishly I am drawn to my own path of life.  Where does my Love wish for me go?  Where will I find my true self and joy that God desires for me?  Who knows?  The journey of discernment.  The only difficulty my own because I always hear a ticking clock behind my back ticking away.

How wondrous is His Love, so total, so complete, so encompassing...how much I desire to live for Jesus, for my Father Almighty.  At times I am thrilled and at peace at visiting and living with the Carmelites, then as suddenly I am filled with a fear.  Fear that it is not for me, I will not find it to be where my home is...Fear about my family.  I know that God comes first and family second and I need to trust God will care for them if I follow His wish for me.  I also know that my joy comes from listening and knowing what makes me happy is what God made me for, for my happiness will hopefully start to mirror the being God created me to be.

Carmelites appeal to the desire to live completely for God, a radical, counter cultural way giving all for Him and for the people of this world.  But I also am drawn to MH and the active role they take directly with people, but is that even something I am capable of?  Well, nothing I can do is possible except through God's grace, nothing is possible without God's merciful grace to guide us to fulfill His and our own mission on this earth.   And what if I stumble upon another way?  LOL, the wonderful, crazy journey I am now walking interiorly.  What is my joy?  Who am I really?  Where am I going?  Is all this some selfish fear I am acting upon?  Some desire for a family of my own outside of my own loving family? And more and more questions if I allow myself to pause too long on them.

This is why I try to live in the moment and not think too much beyond this minute, this moment that is before me.  To trust implicitly in Jesus' loving hand and heart.  Let His will be done, for He will guide me to that which is best for me and for Him.  Let not my fear hinder me in doing His will and that which will unite me ultimately in what He created me to be.

TRUE TRANSFORMATION

You will be wounded.  Your work is to find God and grace inside the wounds.  This is why Jesus told Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands.  Reach out your hand and put it in my side” (John 20:27).  Thomas was trying to resolve the situation mentally, as men usually do, so Jesus had to force direct physical contact with human pain—the pain of Jesus, Thomas’ capacity for empathy with that pain, and very likely with Thomas’ own denied pain.  Deep healing has to happen corporeally and emotionally, and not just abstractly.

Jesus wanted Thomas to face and feel in his body the tragedy of it all—and then know it was not tragedy at all!   In that order.  That is how wounds become sacred wounds.  This is the pattern of all authentic conversion in the Christian economy of grace: not around, not under, not over, but through the wound we are healed and saved.

From On the Threshold of Transformation: Daily Meditations for Men,
p. 256, day 247

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, EWTN sung by Angelina

Holy Father, give us today our daily bread.  Give us Jesus always during our brief stay in this land of exile.  Give Him to us and grant that we may be increasingly worthy to welcome Him into our hearts.     -St. Padre Pio 

Please, please, please Dear Father, for the sake of Jesus' sorrowful Passion, bless us with Thy grace and Fatherly love so we may be so united with dear Jesus we never have a thought of our own wants, or needs but always joyously, lovingly do only that which pleases Thou and soothes our dear Savior's hurting heart. So that with Jesus we may bring the conversion of all sinners' and return this world to one of glorifying, praising, thanking, and loving only our merciful, loving God  We humbly ask Thou this in the name and for the love of Jesus. please hear our cry. Please heal us so we may do Thy Will....for into Thy hands' we commend our Spirit.  Have mercy on us... have mercy on me.

Blessed Feast of St Joseph!!  Here is a poem by a Sister that always pops into my head when I think about St Joseph and makes me cry…I am a total crybaby when it comes to sweet, loving emotions.

 Limbo

by Sister Mary Ada, OSJ

The ancient greyness shifted

Suddenly and thinned

Like mist upon the moors

Before a wind.

An old, old prophet lifted

A shining face and said:

“He will be coming soon.

The Son of God is dead;

He died this afternoon.”

A murmurous excitement stirred

All souls.

They wondered if they dreamed –

Save one old man who seemed

Not even to have heard.

And Moses, standing,

Hushed them all to ask

If any had a welcome song prepared.

If not, would David take the task?

And if they cared

Could not the three young children sing

The Benedicite, the canticle of praise

They made when God kept them from perishing

In the fiery blaze?

A breath of spring surprised them,

Stilling Moses’ words.

No one could speak, remembering

The first fresh flowers,

The little singing birds.

Still others thought of fields new ploughed

Or apple trees

All blossom-boughed.

Or some, the way a dried bed fills

With water

Laughing down green hills.

The fisherfolk dreamed of the foam

On bright blue seas.

The one old man who had not stirred

Remembered home.

And there He was

Splendid as the morning sun and fair

As only God is fair.

And they, confused with joy,

Knelt to adore

Seeing that He wore

Five crimson stars

He never had before.

No canticle at all was sung

None toned a psalm, or raised a greeting song,

A silent man alone

Of all that throng

Found tongue –

Not any other.

Close to His heart

When the embrace was done,

Old Joseph said,

“How is Your Mother,

How is Your Mother, Son?”

Lent is once again here…later this year but here it is.  Before Lent I prayed for Jesus to show me what weakness out of my many He would like for me to really focus and work on this year.  Distractions….

Over the past several months I slipped into some bad habits, some lazy habits.  I allowed myself to be mislead to not pray as deeply as I ought, mislead by seeking comfort in things that were not of God.  Instead of seeking Jesus for my emotional whatevers I wasted time online doing silly things.  Anxiety attacks returned and instead of trusting Jesus will help me I allowed myself to miss Sunday Mass knowing… knowing the sin and that it doesn’t matter how many daily Masses I go to they do not make up for Sunday Mass.  Mea Culpa….

Still fighting the panic attacks but forcing myself to make it to Mass regardless how it feels before getting there.  Things always settle down once Divine Liturgy starts, Jesus and Mary calm the inner “aaahhhhh’s”.  Confession is wonderful to help on this also. 

Lent this year also involves 40 Days for Life, had to miss the kick off since I was working out of town, but have had a wonderful day one day was there almost 8 hours and have done several unsigned hours just when time allowed.  It is good for it is to help stop abortion and also helps foster prayer and conversation.

Lent the first week was actually surprisingly good and graced.  10 days in let’s see what path I am lead towards and how well I try to stick to the metanoia attempts hopefully through God’s helping grace…

 

Know from God that we know nothing save through the grace of God.

The true face of Blessed Mother, given to us through the grace of God.

Our unworthiness is washed, cleaned through the love of God.

The most Holy Trinity mystifies and unites us with Him.

What are we?

Who are we?

We are but the children of God, delivered through Jesus.

Our Creator and Savior and Guide, the Holy Trinity.

Three in One; One in Three

True God.

Humbled, we can touch God

Humble God allows us to touch Him.

Unity with the Almighty.

Howdy!
It has been awhile... You know, many people poo-poo the idea of forming loving friendships online, and how they are not the same as F2F friendships, that is true I concede that, but I know for a fact there are a couple people I know primarily through online relationships who would go to the ends of the earth for me if I asked or needed it.  These couple of people are so precious to me, and I love them like I love those closet to me F2F.

There is a connection between people who cross your path, some traditional and physical in proximity, others more distant but still close for the touch of intimacy of emotion may be over thousands of miles yet still as tender and treasured.

use me to do Thy Will today

My great and powerful Father, use me to do Thy Will today.  Use me in my feebleness to be thy hidden small instrument, I am not able to enter the slums and wash the feet of Jesus hidden within the lost and hurting.  Please, I ask of you, use my petty sacrifices, my tiny prayers for good, for Thy pleasure.  Have pity on me and fill me with Thyself and use me to ease Thy Son's sorrow and spread His Joy... I ask Thee of this in Jesus' joyful name dear most Holy Trinity.  Amen.

...and Jesus wept.

So much sadness, so many hurting, so many in need..how to help?  How to give all to God?  How much sacrifice?  All for them, all for Him.

Only human, scars, sins, and all that ilk of humanity within me.
For you my Lord,, How I ache to give all to You..I beg you to take all from me, nothing matters except You.

You are the breeze that cools in summertime,
The warm sun in winter's bite.
You dear Jesus are the hope of this frozen heart.

A repeat post ... Because I see and I yearn that level of faith and service

Saturday, February 28, 2009

So We May Learn, So We Might See

What faith she had! What horrors she witnessed. What suffering she accepted! What beauty she beheld. What inspiration she gave! What humbling she taught. All for the glory, all for the love, all for sacrifice of our Lord. Nothing did she give for her own vainglory. Jesus, was her all. In the tiniest, in the most filthy, in the most wretched, most sin filled... all Mother Teresa saw was Jesus. Jesus in the baby, Jesus in the dying leper, Jesus in the beaten mother. Daily, hour to hour simple, strong Mother Teresa kept her faith focused. In her darkest hours, she trusted in God. So much she taught this age by example and words. Never taking any credit for her efforts, all was truly a gift from God to His good servant Teresa. She would exclaim to any who would listen,"Look what God has done with someone as little as me!" Listing the convents, hospitals, sisters, priests, lay people all working in the houses she founded and inspired... yes, look what God has done with tiny, frail Mother Teresa! A face and hands so etched with wrinkles and love, you have to be blind to not see the glorious beauty earned in every crevasse, every line. Her stooped shoulders and back bent so low like her humbleness as she gladly carried the Cross with our Lord. Thanks be to God for a servant like Blessed Mother Teresa! Thanks be to the Blessed Mother Mary for guiding to Jesus little Mother Teresa! Thanks be to Jesus for His Sacrifice and Resurrection for we may be visited by a woman so holy, humble, and strong. Thanks be to God for again giving us living , walking, normal people and making them into His most glorious servants so we may learn once again how mighty the One True God is.

Spent some time over these past few days watching an old TV series I use to enjoy before my life changed.  Was interesting watching it with changed eyes, re-directed heart.  Then I would take the time to "watch" my self watching it, intrigued by the change in perception, in reaction.  In one way the show was good for it reminded me of things forgotten over too many years, in others it reminded me of the sadness of today's world.  It exemplified so well in well lite scenes, realistically acted and written lines how empty so many lives have become.  How self focused the mindset taught to the masses invades, permeates and perverts the simple wonder of living in a world filled with awesome beauty.  Beautiful people, beautiful acts, beautiful skies, trees, animals, rain...Beauty of God's wondrous majesty everywhere if we would just pause, unplug and see the silent thunder of His Love.

thank you Almighty Father for loving me.

Blessed Teresa of Calcutta (1910-1997), founder of the Missionary Sisters of Charity
No Greater Love

"The man who had been possessed pleaded to remain with him... but he told him instead, "Go home to your family and announce to them all that the Lord in his pity has done for you."

We have been called to love the world. And God loved the world so much that he gave Jesus to it (Jn 3,16). Today, he loves the world so much that he gives you and me to the world to be his love, his compassion and his presence through our lives of prayer, sacrifice and self-surrender. The response that God is waiting for from you is to become a contemplative, to be a contemplative.

Let us take Jesus at his word and we will be contemplatives at the heart of the world, because if we have faith then we are his permanent presence. In contemplation the soul draws directly from God's heart the graces that the active life has been entrusted to distribute. Our very existence is to be intimately bound to the living Christ within us. If we do not live in God's presence, we cannot keep going.

What is contemplation? It is to live the life of Jesus. That is how I understand it. To love Jesus; living his life at the heart of our own; living our own at the heart of his... Contemplation has nothing to do with shutting oneself up in a dark cupboard but in allowing Jesus to live his Passion, his love and his humility in us, to pray with us, to be with us and to make holy through us. Our lives and our contemplation are one. It's not a question of doing but of being. In fact it is about the complete happiness of our spirit through the Holy Spirit who breathes God's fullness into us and send us out into all creation as his own, personal message of love (Mk 16,15).

In between warm and cold, nature's pause over all; our breath we hold..

Been a long week, a time that makes me fight from the marrow.  Fighting the thoughts, fighting the want to let my weaker self just say "F it all, I'm tired"  But I am battling the impulse, battling the temptation instead I blindly reach for that hope of better things, better times if not here, then after.  Reaching and leaning on our Blessed Mother, talking with my light that leads and shapes all towards her Son Jesus.  I talk to her as Mother, I talk with her as friend.  She knows..she knows.  It is not that I fear the future, it is that I fear my weakness.  It is one of the few times that the wondering and the struggle gets hard and tiring, the path gets lonely.  But that is fine, it is nothing a mere pittance I can offer and unite to Jesus' walk in this world.

Keep looking for volunteer work, but nothing stands out, yet so many in need.  Look for work, but so many others in greater need, I have more then I need or want in this physical world. After I get this dental work done I'll just jump into something, anything and make the most of it. Still have the urge to make that one statue, maybe now is a good time to try and shape it outside this mind's eye?  What do you think Mama Mary?  Through pain and suffering a light shines, maybe not seen by the one offering but somewhere someone is benefiting the glow of the Lord's merciful love.