Been awhile...many things happened and happening...
Tired.
Tired of it all, again...
Never have I felt so old by hearing it so often from others who I hold respect for. Why bother? They see me as old and washed up; even job hunting sees me as another too old and with too few skills... grey and brown..
all is just brown and grey ... all i can manage to hope for today is that maybe, just maybe, at my death God has mercy and let's me hide away in some little space on the distant edges of Heaven... if i trust in hope in this tiny little bit for I know He is love and mercy maybe this life will not be lived in vain?
How i wish i could feel love, last few months has erased it from my remembering...i know it as an intellectual exercise, a memory that is hazily remembered when listening to a certain song, or saying a certain prayer. A flicker when out in public watching people, walking by with a smile shared. sad, that is the only time i can feel it for now, a stranger's glancing smile... Instead I just add more lashes and pain to His Pain ... for His pain is my pain... sigh...so therefore i have to push on somehow even if it is dark and bleak and stuff the desire to just give up on it all away until it can be replaced with something more.
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