Monday, April 5, 2010

The Lord has blessed me with such a loving, caring family... the Lord has blessed me with a country that is free from wars and strife on its homeland...the Lord has blessed me with comforts... the Lord has blessed me with a modicum of intelligence... The Lord has blessed me with a watcher's mind of the world...the Lord has blessed me with so many talents... the Lord has blessed me with so many gifts... The Lord has blessed me in ways too numerous to count...

I feel terrible because on a day that all should be feeling glad and rejoicing, I.. I don't.  Intellectually I know this is the pinnacle of Christian life.  My joy is faked and forced for the sake of others, how I wish I could feel that happiness and warmth from the joy of Easter and from my dear I wish, how I wish and pray maybe?  I feel no peace.  I feel no joy.  Sorry, I tried.  Sorry, I try.  God have mercy on my poor soul.
I am not the person I was a year ago.  I am not the person I was six months ago.  I am not even the person I was one month ago.  I am what I am now. The past never to be again.  The future never is.  I am what I am for this moment, this ticking, slow passing moment.  So it is, and so it shall be.  What more can it be?  What more is it to be?  Turn and change..look and move...I can see all around me and all is what it is.  Silence was a friend, a welcomed moment of prayer and grace.  Silence was... silence has morphed into a vile ticking that never ceases within me.  Silence now slices and rends.  Silence is my only companion of this world.  Silence was my friend.  Silence was a moment of grace.  Silence was... silence is what it is for now.
Ahh morning, the sunlight greets me! chases away the furry lil'  rats that gnaw overnight in my mind and in my heart.  Monday morning, always a good day, everybody is back to work and doing their whatsoever of daily living leaving me be.  to silence now calmed, the relaxing sigh of tension leaving the muscles,  silent trembling fades.  Ahh silence, the many faceted face of you! For this morn I embrace you, hold you close as a favored fuzzy robe on a cold winter's night.  For this new morning the Light shines anew and the burdens not as heavy for the tomb is empty.
The wonder of it all, the simple act of offering up my own personal crosses always brings a calm and peace inside, the simple act of being patient and trusting.  Jesus hears all prayers and never gives a burden too hard to carry.. for His glory, for His glory!

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