Friday, March 26, 2010

So kiddies, in the always evolving walk of life there are times were you must review where you are, how ya got there, and where do you want to be.  So you ask, "OK smart-ass, and where are you in this path?"  Ummm..LOL, in the OK I know what is wrong and what I do not want and what I wish I could do versus the reality of the moment.  Since the reality of the moment is the only thing that is tangible and is concrete that is where I keep trying to start from day to day.
My main hindrances right now are my main weaknesses- bleech!  When I am stuck in my house like now it is near impossible for me to motivate to do jack.  Too many memories, too many labels and things from the past that weigh and break my resolve too easily.  Too much time spent in this particular room, house, city with very bad memories for me.  Not exactly my 'shining' moment spent in this attic space, in fact outside of the incidents that lead to my breakdown this was were I basically struggled the after-effects of a very abusive, horrific, stalking, violent relationship with my ex.  This was also were I had to face the horrific depressions and suicidal battles to force myself to make it through another day, hour, minute.  BUT that thankfully is all long in the past, but the scars do still break open and bleed over.  So I place anew everyday my whole being in our Lord Jesus' hands and in Mary's hands, and hope and try to find a measure of peace within.  Let's be honest, lol, I have not been very good at that lately.

Review time!  I have had a bitch-slap return of my social panic attacks since coming back.  Yeehaaa!- Not!  Ideally what can I hope and pray for?  Well ideally a setting where I can go and have a conducive place to create artwork away from the house and foster a life lived only for God.  Need visual stimulation and mental stimulation at least in this infancy stage I find myself back in with regards to art.  Ideally a place where there are people who are supportive yet also expect without a doubt work, at least attempted.  Well, a place where I actually laugh again, or even smile at something besides my own inane mental mutterings.  Energy, sadly, I need to be around people with energy and humor to have that part of me feed and awakened.  Then it is self sustaining within me on its own for awhile.  On my own...well, let's face it some folks ain't meant to mix it up too well in this big ol world on their own and I hate to admit that that is how I am anymore in my life.  When I was young I was the spark that fed others, I was the ball of energy that lit up a room.  But life has sadly beaten that out of me for now.  Yes, I feel joy and all that good stuff.  Just in almost total isolation for 22-23 hours a day- not a healthy thing for moi.  And with no hope for marriage or partner, welp, it's just me, kid. But that isn't really important to me, other then the companionship built-in for life idea.

So how to change??????
Can't go back to College, student loans still in default until they are paid in full thus no scholarships, grants, etc to pay tuition, also knocks me out of all the state job training programs.  Hmmm, high school grad with  enough college credits to graduate if I had just focused them, EMT no good have to go back to get re-certified, no more free classes due economy.  Veteran status no good, too many combat vets deserving help, and my pre-existing conditions ruined any disabled vet status on my honorable discharge.  Let's see, previous visits to the psychward for the depression knocks me out of most volunteering jobs with kids, elderly, also out of paying jobs with almost anything.  Economy sucks unemployment high and too many need the money more then me.  Oh plus can't half hear especially in noisy places.. but strong like bull and still have me some brain cells semi-functioning!  :0P  LOL!

WHAT about church functions Linda?
See above- my social freaks out have returned with a vengeance.. it takes all I can do to get out of the house to even walk to Mass, or even walk down my street- heck to even walk in my own backyard!  Forcing myself to help over at my folks place and their yard stuff and that is after a rather unpleasant self-talk(yelling)time to get out the door without freezing up.  I would be so embarrassed for anybody who knew me in Canada to see me in this state of being.  Can hardly pick up the telephone to even call people who I know are wonderful and kind and like me without having a panic attack.  So hoping this is just a temporary thing due the sudden return to city life and old settings... and again trusting and praying that Jesus and Mary might help me out on this one.  At least I know there are certain settings and places that actually allow me get over all this baggage and crap.  Just has to be somewhere where they don't pre-judge and place me in a labeled box, and sort of forces me to let the positive sides of me to escape from their interior prison and breath free again.  ROFLMAO!  Ohh NO PROBLEM in the land of the free!

NO PROBLEM!  And God also keeps calling me to religious problem.  :0P  ROFLMAO! Hey if I don't laugh at myself, then..well, it'd be rather depressing and that sure isn't fun!  You can be miserable but not have to be miserable!  I know contradictory, but it works! Welp- back to attempting baby-steps and knowing I will fall and it will hurt like hell when I do, but this ain't the season of conversion for nothing folks!  Now how do I get the faith of a mustard seed so this mountain can be moved?  That's right, serious Prayer, trusting, faith, sacrifice, hope, and becoming like a child and -oh and repeat and repeat and repeat until I finally get it a little closer to right with God... Oh Mother Mary, good thing I got you to guide me and help me on this trek to becoming closer to your Son!  Your daughter here is a bit of a mess especially for someone my age!
*skipping off, singing the Wizard of Oz's Scarecrow song* "..I'd be hmhmm-da-hmmhmm, if I only had a brain!..."(never could remember the words to that darn song! LOL!)

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