Saturday, March 6, 2010

Miss the lawn chair view on the back veranda a lot today.  It's been a crappy day.  Nothing specific or even in general, it just has been a shitty day and feel really alone and direction less.  One of those days where all the mind can think of is 'life sucks' ,lol!  Feels like a Jack Black night, hadn't had one in a couple weeks.  Reminds me, I have to share the bus station/hash story when I was traveling back home. I know wrong attitude to have, blah-blah-blah.  But hey I am 46, have no friends that live near here and occasionally it is healthy to have a pity party of one.  Gets it all out of the system and lets tomorrow be a better day.  Right?  That's what I thought..not even crickets out there to chirp.  LMAO!
-----------------------------------several hours later.........
POST EDITED-Most was related to emotion of the time and highly whine-filled and served no purpose. Left the gist of the post. Thank you -LM  Ides of March
"The Father spoke one Word, His Son and the Word he always speaks in eternal silence and in silence you will hear Him. Like Mary our Mother in the silence and solitude where we hear and learn to do His Will. "Do whatever he tells you.""  

10:45pm Ya see.. God is kind, tonight's Fr Corapi show is his personal story.  Now I was never that bad ever in my life, but we do share a lot of the same similar low points.  Look where he is now.  hope, got to remember hope. 

St Germaine's, view from my last bed assignment.
May God Have mercy on me.  I am weak and I am in pain.  Never said i would rose-tint the truth in this blog.  And no, I have not had any Jack Black tonight.  Well, yet, but it is a losing battle with the 'why not' argument.  Ya know part of the reason I started this was to share with people the real life struggles of journeying through an attempt on the spiritual path.  The real highs and lows, the hope-filled and the shit strewn.  Tonight I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to know that God is here and to feel His mighty presence, or at least to know there is anyone out there.. am I even here?  How did I even get to this place?  Why do I even care?  Sometimes I just wish the pain would stop!  But then I look at my Lent picture..Mary holding the dead body of Jesus.  The pain is still here is put into it's tiny wretched, selfish place.  What an ass I am.  12:25am  
----------------------------------2am Sunday morning/Saturday night----
This was my setup on the 'precious' shelves,lol..Epiphany word-Metanoia on a camel..Madonna and Child pic..Beautiful,soothing Icons of Mary and Jesus-gifts so touching- Rosary Teddy with an American Flag for my Army service, and rosary because it gave me a way to grab my rosary after lights out that wouldn't make a noise and wake others.  Still do that here even though there is no one to wake, not that I mind living a celibate life.  It is just harder when there is no community, no 'family' to fill the emptiness... no common purpose shared by others. 
OK forgive my venting rant of this night... sometimes it helps to just let the garbage out of the mind to start fresh in the morning

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