Friday, March 5, 2010

"Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk."- ST Therese
Been sitting here wondering what to write.. still no idea, so figure I'll just trust in the Holy Spirit and if he is silent then give a catch-up on the day(s). Words rather fail me lately. I go walking everywhere because my car is -well, non-functional for now. That's ok, been feeling drawn to walk, to go outside and see my hometown with fresh eyes. Always hoping when I venture out most times since coming back I could see beauty- God's beauty surrounding me. Sigh- rarely am I able right now. Nothing interests me, nothing hardly ever lifts my heart and makes it sing. Everything seems so grey, my ability to feel God's presence is so very distant and greyed. I know He is here, and I know He is everywhere, so I trust and pray for help with my trust, faith, and unbelief. Remind myself love is an act of will, not an emotion, then glance upward and go through the day and night.

Yesterday was a good day, even felt that warmth of Divine within me for awhile. What a treasure even if brief, a light to hold and help maintain my hope. Had a poustinia for the first time since November. Almost forgotten how truly special and graced time set aside from everything except silence, prayer and rest were for the soul, mind and body. My bible passage was from Mark9 the verse"..all things are possible to those who have faith. The father{of the boy} said 'I believe, help with my unbelief...." Good passage for this great season of Lent and the times I am going through. Read, re-read, prayed and meditated on that passage. Holy Spirit is great at leading us to what we need.

How I miss those special moments in meditation with my Lord. The silence is deafening. There is a semblance of peace but it is the minimal I think to keep me from totally losing it! LOL! All I know is my heart aches for my Lord's presence to be felt in it again. My heart yearns to see the God's beauty in nature the mountains,sky oh, and the trees! The trees! Nada, a memory of how I saw them only for now. Not seeing that special touch of God in the people passing by me. Sigh.. so I remind myself this is a good thing it is a lesson in seeking consolation from external things around me. this teaches me that my sole purpose and focus needs to remain always on God-loving, honoring, thanking, serving only Him and doing His will no matter the task, or the cost. Nothing else matters for this painful reminder again of when He is silent due my own fault and sinfulness is..well it sucks! But it is, so be it- until maybe His mercy will shine again on me? That is why I put the above St Therese quote up, to remind me trust, faith, belief even when He is silent. Until then I will keep praying, doing what I should and staying silent waiting for Him to again whisper to this little heart. For I know Jesus is near, I just need to follow His example as best as His graces allow.

waiting..silently...trusting... what an interesting Lent. What was that Epiphany word again? Let's hope!

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