Wednesday, March 31, 2010

This Chapter of John has been traveling within me for a long, long time

Chapter 17

When Jesus had said this, he raised his eyes to heaven and said, "Father, the hour has come. Give glory to your son, so that your son may glorify you, just as you gave him authority over all people, so that he may give eternal life to all you gave him.  Now this is eternal life, that they should know you, the only true God, and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.
I glorified you on earth by accomplishing the work that you gave me to do.
Now glorify me, Father, with you, with the glory that I had with you before the world began.
"I revealed your name to those whom you gave me out of the world. They belonged to you, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word.
Now they know that everything you gave me is from you,because the words you gave to me I have given to them, and they accepted them and truly understood that I came from you, and they have believed that you sent me.
I pray for them.
I do not pray for the world but for the ones you have given me, because they are yours,and everything of mine is yours and everything of yours is mine, and I have been glorified in them.  And now I will no longer be in the world, but they are in the world, while I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name that you have given me, so that they may be one just as we are.
When I was with them I protected them in your name that you gave me, and I guarded them, and none of them was lost except the son of destruction, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled.  But now I am coming to you. I speak this in the world so that they may share my joy completely.
I gave them your word, and the world hated them, because they do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.
Consecrate them in the truth. 
Your word is truth.
As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.
And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth.
"I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. 
And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me.  
Father, they are your gift to me. I wish that where I am they also may be with me, that they may see my glory that you gave me, because you loved me before the foundation of the world. 
Righteous Father, the world also does not know you, but I know you, and they know that you sent me.  I made known to them your name and I will make it known,  that the love with which you loved me may be in them and I in them." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Chapter of John has been traveling within me for a long, long time.  Before I left for Combermere (Post Thursday23July'09), while in Combermere this past January I even did several rough drafts of calligraphy styled images of it incorporating Jesus' image, and again-how appropriate, on the fast approaching Holy Thursday. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The most complex simplicity ever pondered by mankind is the mystery of God.  It is not a concept filled with grand calculations, rituals and formulas, but a single moment of silence touched in the heart.

Holy is His name... Holy is like the preciousness of breath to life, God's name is sacred.  God's name is life.  God's name is! 

God's name is!

Holy is His name.  Holy is His Son, Jesus.  Holy is His love the Comforter.  Holy, holy, holy is the Lord our God.  

Yearning a man crawls, a man reaches, a man gives all for a moment of crystalline clarity of God.  No matter how fleeting, no matter how brief, one will spend a lifetime attempting all, giving all for love, for Love.  No matter the distance one will travel whatever path placed before them for that hope, for that promise, for that peace within.  For nothing matters except the love for God and the knowing ,true and solid that God loves each one of us completely since the moment He created us...He loves you as no other, he loves me as no other, He loves all of His children as He loves His Son... how can that be?  For He is the Father and His infinite Love knows no bounds, His infinite love... His infinite love... Holy is His name.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The past few days have been a wonderful island of inner peace within my heart... a returning to that...prayerful state my soul yearned and ached for so much over these past months.  How tranquil to know in that deeper to the bones sense that Jesus is within me.  Sure everything around me is still in flux, but that does not matter for our Lord has been kind and merciful on me... for loving is at times painful, but without the pain we would never learn, strive harder, and be healed... without pain how can we unite with our dear Jesus?  So when the pain is eased we again rest even more touched and in love with God.  Even more ready to do whatever He desires of us.  Holy is His gentle name.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Somethings deserve a Repeat

As you can see wrote this in it tonight for the first time in months. Seems like lifetimes ago... worthy of a repeat posting mainly for my own personal reasons...a reminder for myself I suppose:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Reflections and A 4 A.M. Book

What wonder is our Lord! He reaches down to someone like me and touches my heart and soul, inspires my mind to loftier heights, me a nobody in this world of ours, someone easily invisible in a crowd. He reaches all the way down, down with His Holy Spirit, with His Son's loving heart to teach me and to love me. He reaches down so low to my hiding place and sees me covering my face with shame, and ever so gently moves my hands. Tells me He loves me for He made me. My repentant pleas heard, my sins forgiven, my desire is only to love Him and all that is of Him, my Lord my God. My Lord, My God live within me for they love me, they know all of me yet still they fill my heart with their divine presence. They have the Holy Spirit beside me guiding me and giving the gifts of Divine Love. How blessed am I to have a God so merciful and kind? So humbled I am that He lifts me up to see His light. Me- me... how preciously humbling.

So many lessons, so many trails, so many pains I have endured over these past few months, few years. But Oh! So much joy and love! Never a painful lesson taught, or sorrow endured without also God's loving consolation. Never a fear faced, or pruning cut made without Jesus' loving hand reaching to comfort me. No confusion too great, no discouragement too long before the Holy Spirit comes to comfort me. How humbled am I, how very humble I've been made to see without veil or darkness the immense love our Mysterious God has for everyone of us if we would just ask, obey, and reach for Him with true love no matter how far down we buried it in our hearts.

Our Father, God Almighty ask no more from us then He asked of Jesus His only begotten Son. Love, He wants our love pure and simple like that of a child. Love unwavering and unquestioning, it has been so long since I have felt love inside my heart. My pride, my fears, my life sealed off the warmth that I knew once lived there. So long since I had loved another in that deep intimate way, so long since I had a friendship that I did not have to shut off parts of my heart for fear.. fear they would misconstrue my filial love for something it wasn't. Sealed from the pain when all I thought were my friends suddenly abandoned me in my darkest hours. Love pure, warm, joyous has touched me again. It makes me smile and laugh and gaze at the world with wonder at God's mercy and compassion for his wandering child. Love He has shown someone so insignificant and injured like me. Our God is a loving God, his Son a gentle peace giving Master and brother, his Divine Spirit the power and deliverer of the Divine Love. All we have to do is ask and lovingly bow down.
Woke up the other morning at 4 am, before my eyes I saw a book and a weird word as it's title. My morning addled brain struggled to read and comprehend the title of the book written on a dark background with a picture of pine trees a blue sky and what looked like an odd cabin in the foreground. Then I heard it as my southern brain wrapped around the word "Sobornost". LOL, needless to say that got me awake with a big "Whhaaatt? Sobornost? OK Linda, why are we seeing a book with a funny Russian word before our mind's eye clear enough to read at 4 am?" Ahhhh- it's one of those Madonna House books, has to be the art style looks familiar and it is the only place were I have seen Russian titled books around. Alright y if this is you working Holy Spirit let's see if we can find it on-line so I don;t go by there in the am and seem like a total crazy. Sure enough there it was,a book about the Holy Trinity and a generic description that didn't tell much to a caffeine deprived, half asleep night person. So trundled back to sleep wondering until the later more humane hours to wake up, move and think.

Long story short I don't know what it is about that house with the blue door and the nice people living inside but it has had a weird effect on me. The Holy Spirit has somehow given me a gift to end up going there and using it as a boot camp for my soul. LOL, except for the physical aspect I think basic training was a bit easier! Like I mentioned elsewhere when there my mind moves in a different way, the built-in flippant side of me shuts down, and not one visit almost has not revealed something about my self, my behavior, or given me an example of living a life focused on God realized. Went told my story in the morning and sure 'nuff there is a book there by that name and off to home I went to read it later after spending the day with Mom.

Took me over 5 and a half hours to make it through the first 46 pages. Not that it was a difficult read but there was so much to contemplate on and so many things that congealed things from previous contemplations I had had. So many simple yet profound concepts explained in a different way or just worthy of further contemplation. I'll write more later on the actual book and subject matter but I see how Catherine Dogherty built Madonna House on the principal of Sobornost and prayed to achieve it within the MH community and then to spread it eventually through the Catholic, Orthodox and Christian communities and onward.Thus uniting all in an ideal hopeand prayer to God. A truly beautiful unity between people and the Holy Trinity reflecting and infused with the Holy Trinity's perfect divine unity between God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That is probably not a very good summation at all and much of it is my own opinion and grasp of how I see all this at this hour and day, so bound to change as time passes.

To describe this sobornost??? Some things exist in the intellect, others the visual, others the emotional... this falls within the realm of God it speaks to the heart and soul. Like golden threaded gossamer the clarity is seen in shifting rays of light only. Felt like a breeze blows over your skin, a whispered touch to the soul's truth. So simple, so very very simple that the understanding is grasped but the mind's desire to hold it is feeble for it reigns not in the mind's domain but the heart's. Love, once again it all boils down to God's love for us, our love for God, and our call to love all in loving subservience to the whisper of the Holy Spirit. It is about the Trinity's ever growing example of love lived within ourselves and with our neighbor and with God always the center and focus. A life like Nazareth and the perfect love and unity the Holy Family shared and how that love shared and spilled over to incorporate all who fell within that loving circle willing to fully partake. It is a vision of how the soul hungers for a more perfect way of living here on earth during our exile and hope for Heaven.

See simple concept so hard to describe in such finite words limited and constraining of something of God's realm with its infinite depths and levels.

OK more on this later on... somehow.. better yet get the book from the Madonna House bookstore yourself and read with an open heart "Sobornost" by Catherine de Hueck Doherty. More people should read this book and not just Catholics but all Christians at the very least.
------------------See good post!
Today's Song and one I got hooked on once I heard Susan Boyle's version of it over the Christmas season. Would listen to it as I watched the night sky by St Germaine's, and wondered over the majesty of God's beauty that surrounded me, the grace of every silhouetted tree, the night sky, the stars, the crisp air that filled my every breathe as I prayed without words but with the love within my heart.:

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
I could see all around me

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walkin’
Till the day I expire
See Sometimes I just lay me down
Lord, no more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid, afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing, nothing at all
But I hear your, your sweet voice
Come and then go
come and then go

Telling me softly
You love me so

Lord, telling me softly
You love me so

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Here Is A Good Quote

"You must be persuaded that your sinful past is in no way an obstacle to very close union with God. God forgives, and His forgiveness is Divine. With the Angels, God was not merciful because they had no miseries. With us, who are full of miseries, God is infinitely merciful."
-Blessed Columba Marmion
Could not sleep, checked the email- this was in today's Grace Line's. Merged well with the Catherine D prayer I read before bed about humility and how God uses us who are unworthy nothings to His delight to do great things with. What better example of God's great power then that, look at Blessed Brother Andre, or St John Vianney (sp?). OK, it was a lil touch of grace that woke me in this moment of reality ticking.

Friday, March 26, 2010

So kiddies, in the always evolving walk of life there are times were you must review where you are, how ya got there, and where do you want to be.  So you ask, "OK smart-ass, and where are you in this path?"  Ummm..LOL, in the OK I know what is wrong and what I do not want and what I wish I could do versus the reality of the moment.  Since the reality of the moment is the only thing that is tangible and is concrete that is where I keep trying to start from day to day.
My main hindrances right now are my main weaknesses- bleech!  When I am stuck in my house like now it is near impossible for me to motivate to do jack.  Too many memories, too many labels and things from the past that weigh and break my resolve too easily.  Too much time spent in this particular room, house, city with very bad memories for me.  Not exactly my 'shining' moment spent in this attic space, in fact outside of the incidents that lead to my breakdown this was were I basically struggled the after-effects of a very abusive, horrific, stalking, violent relationship with my ex.  This was also were I had to face the horrific depressions and suicidal battles to force myself to make it through another day, hour, minute.  BUT that thankfully is all long in the past, but the scars do still break open and bleed over.  So I place anew everyday my whole being in our Lord Jesus' hands and in Mary's hands, and hope and try to find a measure of peace within.  Let's be honest, lol, I have not been very good at that lately.

Review time!  I have had a bitch-slap return of my social panic attacks since coming back.  Yeehaaa!- Not!  Ideally what can I hope and pray for?  Well ideally a setting where I can go and have a conducive place to create artwork away from the house and foster a life lived only for God.  Need visual stimulation and mental stimulation at least in this infancy stage I find myself back in with regards to art.  Ideally a place where there are people who are supportive yet also expect without a doubt work, at least attempted.  Well, a place where I actually laugh again, or even smile at something besides my own inane mental mutterings.  Energy, sadly, I need to be around people with energy and humor to have that part of me feed and awakened.  Then it is self sustaining within me on its own for awhile.  On my own...well, let's face it some folks ain't meant to mix it up too well in this big ol world on their own and I hate to admit that that is how I am anymore in my life.  When I was young I was the spark that fed others, I was the ball of energy that lit up a room.  But life has sadly beaten that out of me for now.  Yes, I feel joy and all that good stuff.  Just in almost total isolation for 22-23 hours a day- not a healthy thing for moi.  And with no hope for marriage or partner, welp, it's just me, kid. But that isn't really important to me, other then the companionship built-in for life idea.

So how to change??????
Can't go back to College, student loans still in default until they are paid in full thus no scholarships, grants, etc to pay tuition, also knocks me out of all the state job training programs.  Hmmm, high school grad with  enough college credits to graduate if I had just focused them, EMT no good have to go back to get re-certified, no more free classes due economy.  Veteran status no good, too many combat vets deserving help, and my pre-existing conditions ruined any disabled vet status on my honorable discharge.  Let's see, previous visits to the psychward for the depression knocks me out of most volunteering jobs with kids, elderly, also out of paying jobs with almost anything.  Economy sucks unemployment high and too many need the money more then me.  Oh plus can't half hear especially in noisy places.. but strong like bull and still have me some brain cells semi-functioning!  :0P  LOL!

WHAT about church functions Linda?
See above- my social freaks out have returned with a vengeance.. it takes all I can do to get out of the house to even walk to Mass, or even walk down my street- heck to even walk in my own backyard!  Forcing myself to help over at my folks place and their yard stuff and that is after a rather unpleasant self-talk(yelling)time to get out the door without freezing up.  I would be so embarrassed for anybody who knew me in Canada to see me in this state of being.  Can hardly pick up the telephone to even call people who I know are wonderful and kind and like me without having a panic attack.  So hoping this is just a temporary thing due the sudden return to city life and old settings... and again trusting and praying that Jesus and Mary might help me out on this one.  At least I know there are certain settings and places that actually allow me get over all this baggage and crap.  Just has to be somewhere where they don't pre-judge and place me in a labeled box, and sort of forces me to let the positive sides of me to escape from their interior prison and breath free again.  ROFLMAO!  Ohh NO PROBLEM in the land of the free!

NO PROBLEM!  And God also keeps calling me to religious problem.  :0P  ROFLMAO! Hey if I don't laugh at myself, then..well, it'd be rather depressing and that sure isn't fun!  You can be miserable but not have to be miserable!  I know contradictory, but it works! Welp- back to attempting baby-steps and knowing I will fall and it will hurt like hell when I do, but this ain't the season of conversion for nothing folks!  Now how do I get the faith of a mustard seed so this mountain can be moved?  That's right, serious Prayer, trusting, faith, sacrifice, hope, and becoming like a child and -oh and repeat and repeat and repeat until I finally get it a little closer to right with God... Oh Mother Mary, good thing I got you to guide me and help me on this trek to becoming closer to your Son!  Your daughter here is a bit of a mess especially for someone my age!
*skipping off, singing the Wizard of Oz's Scarecrow song* "..I'd be hmhmm-da-hmmhmm, if I only had a brain!..."(never could remember the words to that darn song! LOL!)

Thursday, March 25, 2010





The Value of Adversity
IT IS good for us to have trials and troubles at times, for they often remind us that we are on probation and ought not to hope in any worldly thing. It is good for us sometimes to suffer contradiction, to be misjudged by men even though we do well and mean well. These things help us to be humble and shield us from vainglory. When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to seek God Who sees our hearts. Therefore, a man ought to root himself so firmly in God that he will not need the consolations of men. When a man of good will is afflicted, tempted, and tormented by evil thoughts, he realizes clearly that his greatest need is God, without Whom he can do no good. ---JOHN XV. 5.  Saddened by his miseries and sufferings, he laments and prays. He wearies of living longer and wishes for death that he might be dissolved and be with Christ.---PHIL. I. 23.  Then he understands fully that perfect security and complete peace cannot be found on earth.

Friday, March 19, 2010

"O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes."

Blessed Feast Day!  May St Joseph pray for us and lead us to his adopted Son!

How humble an example for us all to meditate on and to be like Joseph.  How beautiful that we have the return to Christmas within the middle of Lent! The soft wonder reminds us all the glorious gift of Jesus' birth is to us poor sinners.  To contrast and compliment with His great gift of suffering and dying for us so we may all be resurrected with Him.  (wow! What an awesome God we have!)

 This past week since my mind and heart have settled there is a return of the Christmas wonder that traveled and led me over most of last year.  Funny how when Advent arrived this past year my prayer and meditations became  almost solely focused on Jesus' Passion, now in the middle of Lent gradually over the last couple weeks and especially this week all has turned back to a more typical Advent focus.

"O night of brilliant light, splendor filling the skies.  O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes. "

Joseph a most righteous man... What was held in his heart at Simeon's words?  What did Joseph endure knowing as all waiting for salvation must have known, when Jesus pays His sacrifice for us to the Almighty Father?  The harmonious union of the Christmas and Lent are perfectly suited in my meager understandings.  For in both we yearn, we wait so patiently for hope, salvation in awareness of God's great mercy, love for us tiny little beings.  We wait aware of our unworthiness, yet knowing that despite that thanks to Jesus' humility and divine love we are made worthy.  The little and big seasons of Lent... times to wonder and to pray for conversion ever greater for union with God's will for us.  Yes, o come, o come Emmanuel have mercy on us as you were born to die, your death freely chosen.  Your death freely willed as the perfect sacrifice of love and obedience to the Father.

Praise, glory and thanks be forever to you dear Jesus... thank you dear God, the mysteries you have blessed us with... the light you give to light our way and fill our hearts.  O thank you and have mercy upon us and this world, pray for us dear St Joseph so we may always strive to be righteous in the sight of the most Holy Trinity.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Another RIP from Iraq

Remember in your prayers Spc Steven Jesse Bishop +, Floyd native, who died from non-combat related illness last week in Iraq.  He was a volunteer firefighter in Floyd during the time I was an EMT and our paths crossed many times.  He did reconstruction work in Iraq.  Sigh.... may God have mercy on Steven, his family and loved ones.  May our dear Lord have mercy on all who live and are deployed in war zones, and areas of conflict.  Dear God in the name of your beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and in unity with the Holy Spirit, one God forever-have mercy and please bring peace and protect them from evil.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

First reading   Isaiah 49:8-15
I have given you as a covenant to the people, to restore the land.

Thus says the LORD:
In a time of favor I answer you,
    on the day of salvation I help you;
    and I have kept you and given you as a covenant to the people,
To restore the land
    and allot the desolate heritages,
Saying to the prisoners: Come out!
To those in darkness: Show yourselves!
Along the ways they shall find pasture,
    on every bare height shall their pastures be.
They shall not hunger or thirst,
    nor shall the scorching wind or the sun strike them;
For he who pities them leads them
    and guides them beside springs of water.
I will cut a road through all my mountains,
    and make my highways level.
See, some shall come from afar,
    others from the north and the west,
    and some from the land of Syene.
Sing out, O heavens, and rejoice, O earth,
    break forth into song, you mountains.
For the LORD comforts his people
    and shows mercy to his afflicted.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;
    my Lord has forgotten me.”
Can a mother forget her infant,
    be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget,
    I will never forget you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Just want to thank all of you wonderful people who have prayed for me over these past several weeks.  Your prayers have helped me, and Jesus' mercy has helped me.  The past couple days have been rather good days.  Not filled with the flurry of the last month and the spiritual confusion, distance and doubts.  A peace is entering back into my heart and that is good.  Able to feel more back to normal again, thanks be to God!

Monday, March 15, 2010

a forehead slapping "duh" moment.

OK, sometimes God points out the obvious to you so you can realize your mistakes.  LOL, and with me ..well.. if you are even reading this need I say more?

Read the freshly posted Restoration article today and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head- a forehead slapping "duh" moment.  It is me that has been seriously getting in the way lately, that much I knew but in the flurry of all the changes I had somehow managed to forget the fact that when in Canada unpleasant hurts and pains from the past had started to come up bigtime.  Some that were very painful and had affected me for most of my life.  I have had the wonderful draw of life to have had a large chunk of not so fun things happen to me over my lifetime, like most folks.  From many, many surgeries, a hughly abusive relationship where I had real fear for my life, to many other things I won't go into in a semi-public forum.

When I started working in the kitchen at St M's one very big issue that had been nicely hid away in the bak mental filing cabinet decided to make itself known again.  Guess it was the safety of the place that allowed these things to come forward and for some hopeful healing to take place.  But plans and things changed so instead of dealing with the pains of the past they got stuffed back again as reality of the moment took over and I had to return to the nexus of many things unpleasant.  Bad timing but it is what it is and nothing is going to change the current situation.  So how to deal with this stuff, heal and rebuild?  Once again I guess I give it all to Jesus and pray, and find away to do what I must do in the isolated place I am currently in.  Hope springs eternal.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Ahh Sunday!  The Lord's day, praise be to God!

Things to be better, a calm has stayed with me inside.  Was re-reading some of my posts and know I have been a bit out there lately.  Never thought I would be this emotional, this whatever...
so had a good quiet time in prayer today. One on what has been going on lately inside me Sometimes it is too easy to get wrapped up in your own crap and it misleads you and misguides you.  So this evening and tomorrow are new days and once again try to start anew!

So since transportation is severely limited, along with funds for stuff like a bus going to look again at anything within a bit easier walking distance that might want volunteers.  Got to get out of the house and mix with other people!  So pray for me and off I go!  :0)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

On this Saturday, a day to spend some extra time with our Dear Mother, this favorite prayer card came to mind.  I first saw it last year when the blog site had it as their card of the day on--my birthday!  It seems even back then Mother Mary was giving me little clues to her love for me and how she wanted to bring me closer to her dear Son, Jesus.  In honor of the upcoming Feast of the Annunciation and because I feel lead to I have started re-reading St Louis De Monfort's "True Devotion to Mary" and praying the preparation again.

It is an excellent book to help bring you closer to our Mother Mary, I personally find the original book beautifully written although some prefer a more modern translation over the original.  Through the total Consecration to Jesus Through Mary your life and heart are forever changed as layers of old self are peeled away leaving a heart yearning and opening to receive the love our Lord Jesus and his blessed Mother have to give you.  Not until after my Consecration did my heart and mind realize how close and truly present Jesus' Mother is within each of us if we would just call on her.  No matter how hard things may get for me right now, it only goes to a point then as if she knows the limit in Mary swoops to scoop me up into her arms and hug me close.

That happened again this afternoon, what is it about Saturdays lately?  By imaginary fingernails my arms shaking and being silently screaming, "For you I'll hang on for I deserve this and offer it all as sacrifice to you dear God.  But dear Mary I need help because I don't think I can take this much longer."  Trust me, it was not a pleasant few days inside Lindaland's being.  Then as I prayed some "Hail Mary's" my never fail prayer of desperation a gentle calm overtook me and the body relaxed, the mind rested on a sturdy warm ledge and loving sleep took over me.  The nap was only an hour but the rest and renewal is golden sunlight within this heart.  On waking my first thoughts were, thank you Mary, thank you Jesus.  They are always with us, even when silent. (And yes I prob'ly will repeat that billions of times over my lifetime to whomever will listen!)

So we are over the midway point for the great season of Lent... and through no conscious effort or action of my own this is shaping up to be-lol, a humdinger of a doozy!  What was that word from Epiphany??  LOL!  All I can say is thank you God for the gift of Mary and thank you dear Jesus for your giving her to us all during your final moments on the cross.  She is my Queen, my Mother, my guide to Jesus, and my friend when  all seems lost and alone.

The one thought/meditation that has crossed thru many times over the last several months since Nov 1 is I am about the same age Mary was when she suffered her Son's Passion.  Then I see the pure joy of Mother and child in the picture above, and understand a bit, a wee little bit...
Don't know who the photographer is, but think these are cute!

thoughts take me back to a time when the world glowed with beauty...Sketchbook in hand all was a picture to be captured, a painting waiting birth
Trees with bark so filled with grace and stories of life's trek wanting telling thru pencil and ink, watercolor and oil
light danced thru shadows and glistening highlights that blinded with delight
the artist's love and passion as hand, eye raced in glory to capture the blessed moment.
Tis harder to live then to die.
As the tides moved out leaving gasping sea life on virgin land.
tornadoes rip and shred the delicate strong ancient wonders, ancient monoliths now broken and splintered, strewn over grass fields waltzing to the cacophonous orchestrations.
Easier to ignore then to see.

ticking, never ending ticking like breathing paused,
where?  where is the sun?  vision blinded,passion killed
Tis harder as time ticks bye
light, shadows grow long..hope a baptisted vision promised long ago
Divinity a line in a book quoted, a light to guide-somewhere
where,when...hope?  time is testing the artist within.
in silent hope.. somewhere, in that deafening silence.. somewhere...please

Friday, March 12, 2010

For An Old Friend- Rest In Peace Fellow "Ghetto" Co

Brothers In Arms
   ------Dire Straits

These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction
Baptisms of fire
I've witnessed your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms
For SSGT S, may God bless you.
So many different wars, so many different ways to die...
Does one have a higher glory than another?
We are all walking paths to death.  We all have choices made for us and by us.
"Why does my heart feel so bad?  Why does my soul feel so bad? His love endures!"- Moby
Through music we bridge the miles and gaps in modern conversation.

Sweet, sweet guy, he died a few weeks ago in Iraq.  Over, huh- 25 years ago I knew him!  But still, as clear as yesterday.

This song was fixated in my mind most of the second half of December, made me pray for all those in war, civilians, military. First thing I thought of when I read the news. This song then.. made me mediate upon Catherine's story about fleeing war.  Brought many nights during a one week period of very cold, stark realities as I paced endlessly, restlessly in the snow by St G's...never able to escape the visual images crushing my mind, never able to ease the emotions rushing me as I felt the pain, fear, misery of families, child, soldier wandered, fled, terror filled, agony, misery, weight upon weight that tore at my being dragging me into their world so stark and real...the smells almost real, the darkness of night... the darkness they lived, breathed, longed to escape.
God have mercy on us..Dear God have mercy on us..I prayed, I pleaded!
During those days from 14December and the next several days all my mind, body and heart could feel was harsh realities of wars past and present in all the different peoples existing within the realms of them.  Sigh, so I had another horrific group of misery to pray and sacrifice for, gladly I took the task for I am blessed to live in peace, not having my world shattered by guns, bombs, hate, vile ugly evil that is war.  Was this a lesson being passed onto me on Catherine's anniversary date?  I sometimes wondered as I paced the snow, frigid and cold those nights in December...I wondered why then?  Why on this important day of her life and the MH Apostolate.  Who knows?  Surely not i...
So many, so very many dying... and for what?  Land? Righteousness?  Bullshit!  Oil?  Money?  Private contracts to make billions for private corporations?  Hmmm.. might have something there.  Sure they dress it up as a war against terror.  Bullshit!  They might even dare to have the balls to say a war against Muslim fundamentalism.  Again BULLSHIT!  Greed, and power is all it is.  Man's hubris!  Mankind's vile, base nature when allowed to fester and wallow in evil.  May God have mercy on us all!!!  For past and present wars, and Heaven forbide the wars to come...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Holy Mother, one so dear, my heart so lost
traveling the steep mountain path
But I am a fool and did not understand the light's darkness
Walking, ever walking.
Seeking, ever seeking
I fell down and cried out from my misery
Battered and bruised my blood staining the path
For Him, I understood, painfully I arose
walking, walking towards His silence, seeking
Body bent, strength weakening..and one step then another
searching everywhere for the path once clear
climbing, hands bleeding, heart breaking
You came and consoled me
You dear Mother brought your Son to heal my wounds
Renewed, sight restored
my feet knew it was time to move
Ever climbing upward beside you
Time to test, sliding rocks slicing
Falling again, alone in darkness

For Him I must rise.. shaking from the shock
Dizzy from the loss I must rise and climb
searching for my Lord.

"I do not ask for anything dear Jesus, for you I will not stop trying"
Bowed, crawling, sobbing looking about me
all I see the emptiness of the world around
nothing matters save Him dear Mother
my heart cries
Oh dear Mother He is all!
nothing else matters
I am nothing without Him
Tell Him whatever He desires I will do
smiling thanking Him for this climb and these falls
smiling for I know He is with me
smiling for I know I am with Him as He walks
smiling for every step is a trial
every step a blessing
every fall a chance to unite
Every pain a sacrifice
Mother you graced me with memory
that you and He are always beside me
and when silent
within me
So ever I walk, step by step
climbing knowing I will fall
climbing knowing hope
knowing Mother you will not let me lose Him ever again
 Your arms around me
He is always within me

Monday, March 8, 2010

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women.  Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths.  Amen."

Our mother, given to us by Jesus on the cross.  What a wondrous gift from Jesus to us!  At times I try to just think about what it means to have Mary as my mother.  Words are not adequate enough to describe the depth of  grace and love I have received from this humble, gentle woman whose sole purpose is to lovingly bring us to her son, Jesus.

The darkest hours of my life when I asked Mary's help, did she ever stay silent?  Did she ever not respond?  Never!  Blessed Mary always, always answered my sincere prayers, heard my tear stained pleas.  When I made my consecration to Jesus through Mary on All Saint's Day in Madonna House was one of the few ways I could show her just how much I loved her.  Little did I know how much more she would become a part of my daily life.  Humility, yes, she is teaching me about humility over these pass few months.  More importantly our mother lovingly shows me that no matter how dark the path seems around me she and Jesus are always with me.  Sometimes they are silent, waiting inside this heart of mine, waiting for me to learn what lesson I need so I might grow ever closer to God.  
I do pray that she might intercede and ask our Lord to allow me to draw or do anything artistic again... even the most rudimentary task..doesn't matter how small or plain.  But I guess it isn't so for now, that is is a time for learning, and penance.  I know my sins.. yes, I do know my unworthiness and how I abused the gifts given me in the past for selfish desires and insults towards God.  It is how it should be for now.  I do miss those brief times though in January...what a glorious grace those times sick in bed were!  who would have thought this is where they would end up?  Stagnant, images stuck in limbo, I can see them crystalline in my mind's eye, etched in my heart...but the hand, the eye, the pen....not to be for now.   O what a Lent it is shaping up to be. For this is fine though with me, it is teaching me to give up all for love, all for the One.  Bending me down low, to crawl on the ground in supplication...breaking me of the old...dying to even desiring that which use to define me in the world. So it shall it shall be.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Meditation by St Pio:  Your weakness will not surprise you, but knowing you as I do, you will blush because of your infidelity to God; then you will confide in Him, tranquilly abandoning yourself in the arms of our Heavenly Father, like a baby in the arms of his own mother.

Well, As y'all can read I had my selfish whine pity party for one yesterday.  So back to normal life and the mood is better and the resolve to just give it all to our Lady and entrust her guidance to our Lord.  So I will shut up, put my petty emotions and selfish thoughts where they belong and remember what I heard interiorly that day along the river, "All that matters is me [Jesus]..."

So dust myself off, schedule a confession, and start anew- 7 times 70 times a man may fall and if contrite he will be forgiven.  Lol, being human is messy business!  :0P  :0)  Thank you God you gave us your Divine Mercy!  For He is all that matters, so serving the One also means serving Him in all my brothers and sisters also. 

Interesting, interesting Lent this year... but I resolve to try not to think beyond the moment and to listen to where He is guiding me.  Like a leaf on the Living waters I wish to be going wherever His waters flow.  Or how about like a feather carried on the breathe of His Divine Spirit?  Either analogy works, and both express the goal.  To do whatever He tells me, and to do it as perfectly as His good graces will allow.  To do the Father's Will and be an instrument of His peace and love following Jesus' perfect way, isn't that all that matters?
------------------------------------------12;50am Sun evening/Mon morning
Yes, back into that late night mode, there is a calm that covers the city in the dark of night.  A peace that touches even the most lost corners. I think Mary heard my slight (HA!) crisis of being yesterday and intervened.  A calming hand has touched my heart and quiet peace has started to return within, I just have to be humble enough to surrender and accept..Oh, and get my selfishness out of the way.   To remind myself that there is no need for frustrations and fear for God will take care of everything, and all I need to do is follow blessed Mary and how she perfectly follows her son's way.  To become Christlike in all things... to seek to become a reflection of He.  For Christ dwells within me and within all of us.  

To become like a child as the Gospel says... to become poor.. to remember that God's merciful love is greater then any weakness I may ever have.  Thanks Mother Teresa for that paraphrase.  Good night and peace.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Miss the lawn chair view on the back veranda a lot today.  It's been a crappy day.  Nothing specific or even in general, it just has been a shitty day and feel really alone and direction less.  One of those days where all the mind can think of is 'life sucks' ,lol!  Feels like a Jack Black night, hadn't had one in a couple weeks.  Reminds me, I have to share the bus station/hash story when I was traveling back home. I know wrong attitude to have, blah-blah-blah.  But hey I am 46, have no friends that live near here and occasionally it is healthy to have a pity party of one.  Gets it all out of the system and lets tomorrow be a better day.  Right?  That's what I thought..not even crickets out there to chirp.  LMAO!
-----------------------------------several hours later.........
POST EDITED-Most was related to emotion of the time and highly whine-filled and served no purpose. Left the gist of the post. Thank you -LM  Ides of March
"The Father spoke one Word, His Son and the Word he always speaks in eternal silence and in silence you will hear Him. Like Mary our Mother in the silence and solitude where we hear and learn to do His Will. "Do whatever he tells you.""  

10:45pm Ya see.. God is kind, tonight's Fr Corapi show is his personal story.  Now I was never that bad ever in my life, but we do share a lot of the same similar low points.  Look where he is now.  hope, got to remember hope. 

St Germaine's, view from my last bed assignment.
May God Have mercy on me.  I am weak and I am in pain.  Never said i would rose-tint the truth in this blog.  And no, I have not had any Jack Black tonight.  Well, yet, but it is a losing battle with the 'why not' argument.  Ya know part of the reason I started this was to share with people the real life struggles of journeying through an attempt on the spiritual path.  The real highs and lows, the hope-filled and the shit strewn.  Tonight I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to run, I want to hide, I just want to know that God is here and to feel His mighty presence, or at least to know there is anyone out there.. am I even here?  How did I even get to this place?  Why do I even care?  Sometimes I just wish the pain would stop!  But then I look at my Lent picture..Mary holding the dead body of Jesus.  The pain is still here is put into it's tiny wretched, selfish place.  What an ass I am.  12:25am  
----------------------------------2am Sunday morning/Saturday night----
This was my setup on the 'precious' shelves,lol..Epiphany word-Metanoia on a camel..Madonna and Child pic..Beautiful,soothing Icons of Mary and Jesus-gifts so touching- Rosary Teddy with an American Flag for my Army service, and rosary because it gave me a way to grab my rosary after lights out that wouldn't make a noise and wake others.  Still do that here even though there is no one to wake, not that I mind living a celibate life.  It is just harder when there is no community, no 'family' to fill the emptiness... no common purpose shared by others. 
OK forgive my venting rant of this night... sometimes it helps to just let the garbage out of the mind to start fresh in the morning

Friday, March 5, 2010

"Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk."- ST Therese
Been sitting here wondering what to write.. still no idea, so figure I'll just trust in the Holy Spirit and if he is silent then give a catch-up on the day(s). Words rather fail me lately. I go walking everywhere because my car is -well, non-functional for now. That's ok, been feeling drawn to walk, to go outside and see my hometown with fresh eyes. Always hoping when I venture out most times since coming back I could see beauty- God's beauty surrounding me. Sigh- rarely am I able right now. Nothing interests me, nothing hardly ever lifts my heart and makes it sing. Everything seems so grey, my ability to feel God's presence is so very distant and greyed. I know He is here, and I know He is everywhere, so I trust and pray for help with my trust, faith, and unbelief. Remind myself love is an act of will, not an emotion, then glance upward and go through the day and night.

Yesterday was a good day, even felt that warmth of Divine within me for awhile. What a treasure even if brief, a light to hold and help maintain my hope. Had a poustinia for the first time since November. Almost forgotten how truly special and graced time set aside from everything except silence, prayer and rest were for the soul, mind and body. My bible passage was from Mark9 the verse"..all things are possible to those who have faith. The father{of the boy} said 'I believe, help with my unbelief...." Good passage for this great season of Lent and the times I am going through. Read, re-read, prayed and meditated on that passage. Holy Spirit is great at leading us to what we need.

How I miss those special moments in meditation with my Lord. The silence is deafening. There is a semblance of peace but it is the minimal I think to keep me from totally losing it! LOL! All I know is my heart aches for my Lord's presence to be felt in it again. My heart yearns to see the God's beauty in nature the mountains,sky oh, and the trees! The trees! Nada, a memory of how I saw them only for now. Not seeing that special touch of God in the people passing by me. Sigh.. so I remind myself this is a good thing it is a lesson in seeking consolation from external things around me. this teaches me that my sole purpose and focus needs to remain always on God-loving, honoring, thanking, serving only Him and doing His will no matter the task, or the cost. Nothing else matters for this painful reminder again of when He is silent due my own fault and sinfulness is..well it sucks! But it is, so be it- until maybe His mercy will shine again on me? That is why I put the above St Therese quote up, to remind me trust, faith, belief even when He is silent. Until then I will keep praying, doing what I should and staying silent waiting for Him to again whisper to this little heart. For I know Jesus is near, I just need to follow His example as best as His graces allow.

waiting..silently...trusting... what an interesting Lent. What was that Epiphany word again? Let's hope!

Monday, March 1, 2010

 "Teach Me to Walk" Keaton

The focus of mine has been adrift and that is my fault, instead of trusting all is from God and giving all to He that is Love I allowed little superficial things of this world to distract me.  To let go, to give all, to keep the heart, mind centered on The Truth, on The One -this fills me with hope and must always drive me.  Yes, I am thrust now into a world where almost all around me are focused on the unimportant and trivial of worldly things, it is up to me out of love for our Divine God to trust and certainly know that He is with me and that He is guiding to what His Divine Love for me wills.  It is up to me to surrender, to be humble and small thus following Blessed Mary's example and confidently say my own personal fiat to the Almighty.  It is up to me to trust in His grace and that He will always give me the graces needed to come closer to resting with Him within me. For the beauty of the desert is within and our Lord is the living water waiting to be found and to soothe.
"...In those days Moses raised his hands to heaven and brought down manna, the bread of angels; the new Moses raises his hands to heaven and gives us the food of eternal life. Moses struck the rock and brought forth streams of water; Christ touches his table, strikes the spiritual rock of the new covenant and draws forth the living water of the Spirit. This rock is like a fountain in the midst of Christ’s table. so that on all sides the flocks may draw near to this living spring and refresh themselves in the waters of salvation.
  Since this fountain, this source of life, this table surrounds us with untold blessings and fills us with the gifts of the Spirit, let us approach it with sincerity of heart and purity of conscience to receive grace and mercy in our time of need. Grace and mercy be yours from the only-begotten Son, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ; through him and with him be glory, honour and power to the Father and the life-giving Spirit, now and always and for ever. Amen." - St John Chrysostom