Ya know... it has been an amazing few months.
In these past few months I have learned more about the Holy Spirit in action then a lifetime of book learning. Slowly I am learning to give thanks and credit to God in the Holy Spirit where it is due. LOL, in the not too distant past, last week-lol, I would ascribe certain things to coincidence, happenstance, maybe subtle manipulation... but how wrong I have been!
As my mind, heart, eyes and most importantly my trust in the Holy Spirit has thankfully grown- mainly because I am learning to get out of the way and shut up- I am blown away with how events have unfolded.
For a good long while I had been praying for help/guidance/anything to help me in my spiritual life. Was feeling lost and not able to find anything in books, ewtn, through praying that seemed to give a spark, to give ease...I prayed for what? Over a year? Seems so long ago yet really hasn't been. And I prayed feeling like I had for most of my life, always the outsider/observer watching the others taking part in life. When I was saved back home to my Church to my Lord I thought it'd be different I would find others who had the same passion and joy. I did but still I was the outsider for their lives were so dramatically different with families, etc..
Yearning to always go deeper, to find ways to be closer to God, never finding others who were quite on that same page in a relate-able way. Until a complex series of events took place and I ended up at Madonna House next to my brother's office for their Easter Open House. All these lil jigsaw puzzle pieces starting to form a picture being shifted around by the Holy Spirit. Asked the one MH worker that has been there from the beginning of my journey over at that house with the blue door what in the world made y'all call me over to help out? LOL, now I should have known that was a silly question! They had prayed on it and hey my name is what they got. Plus they noticed that something in my eyes when I walked in there which is what I felt.. a certain "rightness" to the place.
Rightness...yeah, that is a good word for it. Wasn't like I was suddenly changed or anything like that. LOL, still was the anxiety ridden, chain smoking wreck! But there was God in those walls and in these women that my heart had been looking for. Didn't have a clue what MH was all about at the time, and I didn't care I just thanked God for leading me there and started an transforming journey that is far from over. They have the Holy Eucharist in their chapel and Jesus in the house is great! At the beginning I tried to find a way to describe the subtle difference His presence was like over there, until talking one day she said "like Nazareth"- Duh.. yeah! That's it!
My prayer life started to be easier and that thirst for Jesus, for God, for the Holy Spirit returned and this time was starting to be met. Many great graces started a-workin on me. LOL, not saying it was all angelic chorus singing and warm fuzzies.. the graces were what I needed and God saw to that quit -lol-directly. I would not trade one second of it no matter how hard some of it was for even one nano-second! As I pray the Magnificat now my head will just shake sometimes as I am so humbled by the love our God has shown me in so many ways that still my mind reels when I try to think back too far or deeply. LOL, so I don't unless necessary!
These moments that build and build onward, forward.. each one rebuilding and transforming me into a person God wants, through the Holy Spirit finally able to get through better to me as my heart is slowly opened and my self is slowly getting out of the way... slowly learning how to die and rise with Jesus everyday. Every little step another glorious gift from Abba through Jesus through the Holy Spirit, with Mary always there praying and searching for what next her child needs to grow closer to her Son... Precious Mary always here looking over me, holding me, protecting me, guiding and protecting me. Talk about a humbling, humbling gift.. to think of the billions of people in the world, the easily billions of billions that live better lives, made fewer mistakes, who sinned FAR fewer times and yet our God, our Father reaches and finds someone like me and personally takes me under His loving care and =wow.. for one so unworthy He makes me worthy, gives me the tools and lessons.. all I have to do is use them, trust Him and never ever turn away. How can one when brought so tenderly this far???
The Holy Spirit moves in jigsaw puzzle ways with me again, was cleaning out things at home and doing all this home stuff, got a passport (in only 1 week even tho the state website said I had at least 2-3 more weeks to wait). Had a distant thought of going to Combermere, well, again Holy Spirit time moves fast, fast, fast lately )which I personally like- too much time wasted give me fast forward as M- described it(I like that term-LOL and the "scruff of the neck" phrase LOL. Great descriptors!) So went to Poustinia on Wednesday last week, Holy Spirit, Jesus in the Chapel rather made it clear that it was time to go up to Canada. ROFL, so here it is,umm, exactly one week since my poustinia and I leave Sat am for Combermere! Yea-ha!!
Canada, ya sat? What the heck are ya going to Canada fer to that weird town/place thingy? TO GROW closer to our God! With hope I go to learn to walk the Way, the narrow path... because when you are sitting and praying and over and over through the Bible passages and that interior conversation you enter through deep prayer you are told 'go. Go. It is time." Well Momma didn't raise no fool.. Jesus speaks you don't question you just do and are thankful that He speaks to your heart. Then everything feel into place. All I had to do to get ready for what hopefully will turn into a long visit (God willing-pray for me!) was finish the work I started a few weeks ago.
Yesterday when over helpin make sauerkraut we did Eucharistic Adoration and my dear Jesus again gave that glorious sign where he shows himself within the Eucharist as a light pencil sketch type image... again I am so blessed and humbled how He reaches out and gives me(!) assurances when He doesn't even have to! Not that I was overly concerned even, for this journey has some concerns but from the get go the peace I felt and feel inside it that it feels "right". (That word again) It feels "right" and as long as the Holy Spirit graces me with these wonders all is right... even if the road is painful or hard it does not matter for all that matters is loving and serving my God, Triune and Holy. That is it.. can't turn back, don't want to ever turn back to where my life was at anytime ever.
How I wish everybody in this world would just open their hearts and love God, love Jesus, listen to the Holy Spirit pass over them just waiting for their yes. What a world it would be! If we could just get the Catholics to see what a wondrous earth and life we could have if we all united completely with God! Complete union with the Trinity, with our fellow brothers and sisters.. all together like we were envisioned from the beginning our perfected Nazareth through the loving sacrifice of our Master and Brother Jesus to our Father, Abba, in unity with the Holy Spirit guiding us the body of Christ on earth... looked after by our Mother Mary... our Guardian Angels jobs would be so much easier... what a song of joy would there be in Heaven as the humans finally accepted the gifts available to us all if we just take that first step towards God with humility and faith.
That's it then.. it is time to walk away from this world for a time and focus on a much different path.. and I am for the first time feeling at home and not an observer. Thanks be to our God, all praise and glory are His forever and ever. Amen! Amen!