Sunday, April 24, 2022
Empty is the Soul, Dead the Heart and That's OK For None of It Matters.
Tired of faking it, tired pretending to care, tired living a lie in every aspect of being. Tired of hope that never comes to fruition. Tired of it all.
So why do you stay? honestly cannot give one reason believable to my self, a bad actor in an even worse play that screams for the merciful final curtain.
Saturday, April 16, 2022
Saturday, April 9, 2022
This life never changes, it always sucks. I am incapable of doing the simple changes over this lifetime to make a difference. God is a farce, a construct to paicfy stupid human existential whines. Too goddamned late. too god damned broken. too long alone, never once the object of desire in another's eye. too god damned in this life, it will never change so why fuckin' bother.
Wednesday, December 22, 2021
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Monday, May 20, 2019
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Had a terrible night's sleep, one of those nights were you sleep for a short little bit and then just lie there...hum-dee-dum. Did have a extremely vivid dream though. One of 'those' type of dreams, had them all my life and when they occur I have to take note and keep my ears perked to the world around me. A warning dream of dramatic and sudden change is coming that while have difficulty or emotional upset with it. For those who know me, a flood dream but interestingly with a bit of twists normally not seen in these dreams.
The dreams starts off as a dream within a dream and my awakening on the floor unable to wake up, barely able to open my eyes the weight of sleep so heavy on me. A messy living room decorated for Christmas, tree and lights in a spartan room with no furniture just a tv/computer screen, the tree and in the corners and along the wall handmade paper nativity scene I supposedly made years ago. Lights lay on the floor and I set about putting them around the Christmas decorations to light them and make them prettier looking. Kept waiting for someone to come home that I did not want to see, rather reminiscent of being at home waiting for my ex to show up and ruin a perfectly mundane moment. Was night outside and dark, no lights other then those within the room casting colorful glows despite the burnt-out lights on many of the strings.
Scene shifts to large open area like a farm by a river with the house on the banks, many people who I know and company I enjoy are there and we are going about the day suddenly the fields are being covered by flooding water at first clear then turning a muddy brown. Furrows are soggy and the feet sink into the soft plowed soil, as waters fill in faster and faster all around us. Nobody panics, my only statement to another woman was" Well guess my computer is gone" referring to the lower-lands were my apartment with the Christmas decorations was, and how I wish I could have saved my I Pod( wish I did own one, it'd be pretty cool). But also realizing as I said it that it was just an attachment, but I so love music. The dog is walking beside my on the higher peaks of the plowed land and my feet are sinking in muddy swirling icky flood waters and the woman is somehow higher up on more solid ground saying don't worry we won't get harmed. As I remind them I don't swim. Despite the fast growing disaster there is a calm and almost detached wonder at the beauty and destructiveness of the flooding raising waters even tho there is no rain around.
Turning back to the sound of people I see some folks from town running to the river banks to watch the unfolding disaster with complete unawareness of the dangers around them as they snake along the one small pathway leading to the edge. A few nuns in habits made of multi colored grey patches are watching their charges, all children young run to the waters edge and they sit at a picnic table to view the raising flood. Curious I wondered why nuns of all people would bring children to such a precarious place in such a casual manner and then sit and act like it is a picnic. As I turned and went walking back following the lady heading my group to the safe part of the farm, I felt no fear for myself, we were all calm, as the city folks kept coming to watch and be surrounded by the rising flood. They were not even cognizant of the water trapping them next to the river's bend and swift deadly waters leaving them no place to run.
Woke up instantly knowing big change was coming and I was going to be drawn into the middle of it, that while it will be challenging and difficult like feet stuck in mud, it will be a hardship that will in the end turn out ok.
The dreams starts off as a dream within a dream and my awakening on the floor unable to wake up, barely able to open my eyes the weight of sleep so heavy on me. A messy living room decorated for Christmas, tree and lights in a spartan room with no furniture just a tv/computer screen, the tree and in the corners and along the wall handmade paper nativity scene I supposedly made years ago. Lights lay on the floor and I set about putting them around the Christmas decorations to light them and make them prettier looking. Kept waiting for someone to come home that I did not want to see, rather reminiscent of being at home waiting for my ex to show up and ruin a perfectly mundane moment. Was night outside and dark, no lights other then those within the room casting colorful glows despite the burnt-out lights on many of the strings.
Scene shifts to large open area like a farm by a river with the house on the banks, many people who I know and company I enjoy are there and we are going about the day suddenly the fields are being covered by flooding water at first clear then turning a muddy brown. Furrows are soggy and the feet sink into the soft plowed soil, as waters fill in faster and faster all around us. Nobody panics, my only statement to another woman was" Well guess my computer is gone" referring to the lower-lands were my apartment with the Christmas decorations was, and how I wish I could have saved my I Pod( wish I did own one, it'd be pretty cool). But also realizing as I said it that it was just an attachment, but I so love music. The dog is walking beside my on the higher peaks of the plowed land and my feet are sinking in muddy swirling icky flood waters and the woman is somehow higher up on more solid ground saying don't worry we won't get harmed. As I remind them I don't swim. Despite the fast growing disaster there is a calm and almost detached wonder at the beauty and destructiveness of the flooding raising waters even tho there is no rain around.
Turning back to the sound of people I see some folks from town running to the river banks to watch the unfolding disaster with complete unawareness of the dangers around them as they snake along the one small pathway leading to the edge. A few nuns in habits made of multi colored grey patches are watching their charges, all children young run to the waters edge and they sit at a picnic table to view the raising flood. Curious I wondered why nuns of all people would bring children to such a precarious place in such a casual manner and then sit and act like it is a picnic. As I turned and went walking back following the lady heading my group to the safe part of the farm, I felt no fear for myself, we were all calm, as the city folks kept coming to watch and be surrounded by the rising flood. They were not even cognizant of the water trapping them next to the river's bend and swift deadly waters leaving them no place to run.
Woke up instantly knowing big change was coming and I was going to be drawn into the middle of it, that while it will be challenging and difficult like feet stuck in mud, it will be a hardship that will in the end turn out ok.
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