Hillsong United - "Oceans" (Live at RELEVANT)

"The world's thy ship and not thy Home." -St Therese

Where did the dream go?  The oft meandering posts on this blog over the years expressing my hope and desire to find a community to call home went away with my dream.  Now what?  When I turned 50 almost a year ago I knew there were almost no religious orders that would take a woman of my age, never had I felt so ancient and wasted.

Almost a year now I have prayed, endured, and searched for that elusive "What does God wish of me?", that elusive feeling of "home".  No where it is felt even though I am surrounded by loving people, caring friends and family. I try to empty myself of the desire, try to stay in THIS moment, this time.  No thinking further, no looking back.  Last year I foolishly asked God if He wishes for me to stay here and in this place to please help me find a job to help with the bills after my father's death and with the ever increasing costs of living.  No such fortune so far, so I must again return to the focus of the moment.

Sadly I admit I am a terrible self-motivator, my energy and spark come from sources outside of myself.  A flaw, blame it on the Myers-Briggs scale- OK, I joke.  I have to blame only myself.  God is never to be blamed, He knows me better then I will ever know myself and knows what is best for me.  I was the one who turned from the Church in my youth, I was the one who made the bad decisions to wait a couple years when I returned to the Church to make sure I was not acting out of a false exuberance.

Stated previously in this blog somewhere I honestly would wonder why an Order or group would accept someone like me if they ever offered me that chance.  Maybe that is my cross to be among the rejected?  Guess it is the rejection flat out based on my age, such an arbitrary thing imo.  Yes, age of a person might mean that some are too set in their ways, or might have too much baggage, or some mental hangups.  Yes, intellectually I accept that, but still emotionally it hurts to not be given the chance to sink or swim since most groups have a trial phase where either side can say thanks but no thanks.

Where to go from here?  Other then a hope for Heaven, a person needs something to  dream in life.  A person needs a place to call home while riding this ship of life waiting for their final destination.  I am in no hurry for that final judgement, I know my sins of the past and present.  When compared to the wonderful, good and even holy people I know I am the worst.  Crippled by my fears, wounded by  rejection, they forced me to see myself as the wasted life I am.  Selfish to the core, unable to give love, kindness to others, as the months have gone by I feel myself struggling to even force acts of kindness tho my heart yearns so much to give.

This journey of the past 7+ years, counting the years of actively searching for a religious order/group, has been so blessed by our loving God.  So many true Christians living the life who continue to bless me with their kindness and mercy.  Oh, but I fight a dark battle within for I know my joy should be just with God, but He makes it hard (or rather I make it hard).  How I yearn to be surrounded by God fearing people who also focus on the same journey that share a common home.  This not to be, unless God works some major miracle.  Since I do not foresee any religious group popping up and suddenly accepting 50 yo, soon to be 51, I must accept the fact that this for now is my life.  My cross.  My darkness, and occasional light, my life spent floundering alone in the human sea, kept always at arms length. An acquaintance, but never a friend. Maybe this is why I was never drawn to marriage and children?  End the cycle with me to not pass it along to another generation?

I know God is within me, and I trust in His love and mercy.  Hopefully this is my penance here on earth and for others so that just maybe when I do pass, then I can finally be home.

A Smile of Wondrous Joy!!!

A prayer of the moment as seen through the eyes of a child :)

Kayden + Rain from Nicole Byon on Vimeo.

William Blake - Auguries of Innocence

William Blake - Auguries of Innocence

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.

A dove-house fill'd with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell thro' all its regions.
A dog starv'd at his master's gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.

A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.

A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipt and arm'd for fight
Does the rising sun affright.

Every wolf's and lion's howl
Raises from hell a human soul.

The wild deer, wand'ring here and there,
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misus'd breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher's knife.

The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won't believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever's fright.

He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be belov'd by men.
He who the ox to wrath has mov'd
Shall never be by woman lov'd.

The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider's enmity.
He who torments the chafer's sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.

The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother's grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the last judgement draweth nigh.

He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar's dog and widow's cat,
Feed them and thou wilt grow fat.

The gnat that sings his summer's song
Poison gets from slander's tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of envy's foot.

The poison of the honey bee
Is the artist's jealousy.

The prince's robes and beggar's rags
Are toadstools on the miser's bags.
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.

It is right it should be so;
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro' the world we safely go.

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.

The babe is more than swaddling bands;
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;

This is caught by females bright,
And return'd to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar,
Are waves that beat on heaven's shore.

The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes revenge in realms of death.
The beggar's rags, fluttering in air,
Does to rags the heavens tear.

The soldier, arm'd with sword and gun,
Palsied strikes the summer's sun.
The poor man's farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric's shore.

One mite wrung from the lab'rer's hands
Shall buy and sell the miser's lands;
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole nation sell and buy.

He who mocks the infant's faith
Shall be mock'd in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne'er get out.

He who respects the infant's faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child's toys and the old man's reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.

The questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.

The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar's laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour's iron brace.

When gold and gems adorn the plow,
To peaceful arts shall envy bow.
A riddle, or the cricket's cry,
Is to doubt a fit reply.

The emmet's inch and eagle's mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you please.

If the sun and moon should doubt,
They'd immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.

The whore and gambler, by the state
Licensed, build that nation's fate.
The harlot's cry from street to street
Shall weave old England's winding-sheet.

The winner's shout, the loser's curse,
Dance before dead England's hearse.

Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not thro' the eye,
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

O come O Lord..come into this heart of mine and make me yours completely.

It has been a weird, rough few weeks spiritually.  Hard time sleeping, even harder focusing on my prayer life.  It seems like everything is a struggle, like trying to climb in high altitude without oxygen, tools, or training.  The more I try the further and more difficult the battle, the worse my bad habits want to win.  The more I feel so far away from God.  The more I have to remind myself "Trust in Jesus.  Trust in Mary, she will lead you to Jesus"  Oh but the struggle, the interior fight, the long drawn yearning and lost feeling.

Holy God, Mighty God, how marvelous is Your name!

The great mystery of You, dear Lord, baffles me.  Enthralls me, silences me.
How can one such as me ever express the wonders You have graced upon this sinner's heart to others?      Holy is Your name.  I will trust in You!  To live in, with and through You, I must throw all things away from my self.

Please crush me low, for my sinner's heart is stone.  Break this vessel cracked and filthy, for You have the power, You have the love to rebuild anew, a vessel pure and simple to fill with only praise and gratitude.  With Your mercy, You can rebuild and soften this heart, make it contrite and humble. Filled with only the desire to love and serve You all the days on this world and with Thy mercy, to love and serve forever in Your Home. The path will be rough, difficult and painful but You always provide islands of respite little ways of refreshing with drinks of Your love and strength.

It is my will to return it to You, let my will be forever Yours and never my own.  "Let Thy will be done."  Let Thy will be done.

St Nectarios Oh Virgin pure (Agni Partheni) Eng Sub;Beautiful all Male Chior

Valaam "Step to the Skies" part 1 of 7 (English Subtitles)

Part one of seven with English subtitles, view into the Eastern Orthodox Church and Spirituality

Been awhile, been helping out gardening, mowing, doing nothing, etc.

Still have a major case of the "Whatever's" and "Who gives a F?" or the harder to fight internally, "I give up".

Gave up on the whole religious life thing.  Figure God wants me, then He better make it obvious, can't take the emotional roller coaster that always crashes back here.  Tired of religious orders, etc automatically shutting the door based on age, they succeeded in doing something that no one else ever managed to do and make me feel ancient.

Irony is if there ever was a place that accepted me my first thought would be what the heck is wrong with you don't you see what a messed up person I am, look at my history!  Look at my now! I got enough garbage spewed back there to immediately show what a waste of effort I would be, especially at this age.  So, yes, the  irony is not lost on me.

With that said I highly encourage every young person to seriously consider for awhile if God might be calling you to religious life.  If you might find it interesting, or fulfilling.  Nothing else take advantage of the summer programs they have for young adults and just hang out, pray and live with some of the varied religious opportunities out there.  Very least it is a cheap way to spend a summer away from the parent's house.

Take care and God bless until next time.

NASA Voyager Space Sounds - Jupiter

Spring is blurting through the valley like a speed painter on an assembly line.  Hot days and warm nights have made what is usually a slow awakening from winter into a sudden clash of morning alarm bells. Trees blooming and greening so fast I have to look at the calender and remind myself it has only been a week since the switch was hit.

Has been a long, long few months.  Had major house repairs that needed to be done.  Finally got that inspiration to paint the interior rooms of the house thanks to walls being ripped out by the plumbers.  God is merciful making this my chore for Lent.  Been fighting a major depressive swing following the house mayhem, physical problems, and that human desire to want to be somewhere else in life.  I am again looking at life and wondering what is it God wishes of me?  Where will I find joy?  Real joy, a sense of belonging, of being free to be my self.

I know, I know, God speaks to those who listen.  That God will let it be known where He desires me to be.  To embrace the promise of hope, and love and fidelity to God in this very moment.  Tomorrow may not come so I must live today as fully for, with and in Jesus as my poor sinful heart is able through His grace and my meager efforts. Oh, how pitiful has my heart been of late!  Almost everyday these past few weeks has been a battle of ,"Why bother? What difference does it make?" and clinging like from precipice to that tiny filament of some vague hope.  Intellectually I know God's hope is true and real, I know the truth of God and His Love from my own life and His love towards me directly and through the people He placed around me.  Mentally, the brute side, the side that feels aimless and lost wonders why God even bothered to give me such hopes, why He even reminded me that in certain situations I can flourish and laugh and feel a lightness of being.

All feels dark within, like the thunderstorms that crash and shake the valley floor as thunder rattles the windows and rain floods the streets. I see the joy amidst struggles of the people whose path I cross and I feel how awful I am.  Terrible, lazy sinner too lost in my own selfishness to do more for others.  See people so assured in their chosen paths of life.  married raising children, treasuring their now arriving grandchildren.  Religious working and living for our God knowing they have been so gifted by Him to have that life.  Then I see my own life, and how that devil needles me with thoughts that are not of God, those past dark depressing thoughts that had been my cross many years ago.  Leaves me crying from my emotional, small, egotistical self, :What do you want from me God?  What can I do for You?  Just give me a tiny hint, give me some tiny hope of joy in this life."  Needles to say, it has not been a good couple weeks.

But God is good, work must get done so cannot get trapped in immobilizing pity party for one nothingness. Just keep repeating and praying over and over in my head, this too shall pass.  God has a plan, all I have to do is be here in the moment as best as His grace might allow my and my own failures won't hinder me. Ha..oh my failures!  My weaknesses, my struggle, my life.  "Me" repeated when it isn't all about "me" and honestly I don't want it to be about me.  But how can I give all to our God if I cannot even see beyond the dark cloud that suffocates?  Where did all my hope and dreams go this time? Why do I continually feel alone and that my only hope in joy is only after my time here is over?  That all opportunities are past me now.  Spring allergies, you always make me feel worse and even whinier. I am sorry, again. Trust in our God.  Jesus, I trust in you, have mercy on me a wretched, lost sinner.

Limbo by Sister Mary Ada, OSJ

The ancient greyness shifted

Suddenly and thinned

Like mist upon the moors

Before a wind.

An old, old prophet lifted

A shining face and said:

“He will be coming soon.

The Son of God is dead;

He died this afternoon.”

A murmurous excitement stirred

All souls.

They wondered if they dreamed –

Save one old man who seemed

Not even to have heard.

And Moses, standing,

Hushed them all to ask

If any had a welcome song prepared.

If not, would David take the task?

And if they cared

Could not the three young children sing

The Benedicite, the canticle of praise

They made when God kept them from perishing

In the fiery blaze?

A breath of spring surprised them,

Stilling Moses’ words.

No one could speak, remembering

The first fresh flowers,

The little singing birds.

Still others thought of fields new ploughed

Or apple trees

All blossom-boughed.

Or some, the way a dried bed fills

With water

Laughing down green hills.

The fisherfolk dreamed of the foam

On bright blue seas.

The one old man who had not stirred

Remembered home.

And there He was

Splendid as the morning sun and fair

As only God is fair.

And they, confused with joy,

Knelt to adore

Seeing that He wore

Five crimson stars

He never had before.

No canticle at all was sung

None toned a psalm, or raised a greeting song,

A silent man alone

Of all that throng

Found tongue –

Not any other.

Close to His heart

When the embrace was done,

Old Joseph said,

“How is Your Mother,

How is Your Mother, Son?”

St. Patrick’s Breastplate, I Bind Unto Myself Today

I bind unto myself today
the strong Name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same,
the Three in One, and One in Three.

I bind this day to me forever,
by power of faith, Christ’s Incarnation;
his baptism in Jordan river;
his death on cross for my salvation;
his bursting from the spicèd tomb;
his riding up the heavenly way;
his coming at the day of doom:
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
of the great love of cherubim;
the sweet “Well done” in judgment hour;
the service of the seraphim;
confessors’ faith, apostles’ word,
the patriarchs’ prayers, the prophets’ scrolls;
all good deeds done unto the Lord,
and purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
the virtues of the starlit heaven
the glorious sun’s life-giving ray,
the whiteness of the moon at even,
the flashing of the lightning free,
the whirling wind’s tempestuous shocks,
the stable earth, the deep salt sea,
around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
the power of God to hold and lead,
his eye to watch, his might to stay,
his ear to hearken, to my need;
the wisdom of my God to teach,
his hand to guide, his shield to ward;
the word of God to give me speech,
his heavenly host to be my guard.

Christ be with me,
Christ within me,
Christ behind me,
Christ before me,
Christ beside me,
Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort
and restore me.

Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ in quiet,
Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of
all that love me,
Christ in mouth of
friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself today
the strong Name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same,
the Three in One, and One in Three.
Of whom all nature hath creation,
eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
praise to the Lord of my salvation,
salvation is of Christ the Lord.