This Chapter of John has been traveling within me for a long, long time

John
Chapter 17

When Jesus had said this, he raised his eyes to heaven and said, "Father, the hour has come. Give glory to your son, so that your son may glorify you, just as you gave him authority over all people, so that he may give eternal life to all you gave him.  Now this is eternal life, that they should know you, the only true God, and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.

I glorified you on earth by accomplishing the work that you gave me to do.

Now glorify me, Father, with you, with the glory that I had with you before the world began.

"I revealed your name to those whom you gave me out of the world. They belonged to you, and you gave them to me, and they have kept your word.

Now they know that everything you gave me is from you,because the words you gave to me I have given to them, and they accepted them and truly understood that I came from you, and they have believed that you sent me.

I pray for them.

I do not pray for the world but for the ones you have given me, because they are yours,and everything of mine is yours and everything of yours is mine, and I have been glorified in them.  And now I will no longer be in the world, but they are in the world, while I am coming to you. Holy Father, keep them in your name that you have given me, so that they may be one just as we are.

When I was with them I protected them in your name that you gave me, and I guarded them, and none of them was lost except the son of destruction, in order that the scripture might be fulfilled.  But now I am coming to you. I speak this in the world so that they may share my joy completely.

I gave them your word, and the world hated them, because they do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the evil one.They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world.

Consecrate them in the truth. 

Your word is truth.

As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.

And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth.

"I pray not only for them, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, so that they may all be one, as you, Father, are in me and I in you, that they also may be in us, that the world may believe that you sent me. 

And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me.  

Father, they are your gift to me. I wish that where I am they also may be with me, that they may see my glory that you gave me, because you loved me before the foundation of the world. 

Righteous Father, the world also does not know you, but I know you, and they know that you sent me.  I made known to them your name and I will make it known,  that the love with which you loved me may be in them and I in them." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Chapter of John has been traveling within me for a long, long time.  Before I left for Combermere (Post Thursday23July'09), while in Combermere this past January I even did several rough drafts of calligraphy styled images of it incorporating Jesus' image, and again-how appropriate, on the fast approaching Holy Thursday. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The most complex simplicity ever pondered by mankind is the mystery of God.  It is not a concept filled with grand calculations, rituals and formulas, but a single moment of silence touched in the heart.

Holy is His name... Holy is ..his..name... like the preciousness of breath to life, God's name is sacred.  God's name is life.  God's name is! 

God's name is!

Holy is His name.  Holy is His Son, Jesus.  Holy is His love the Comforter.  Holy, holy, holy is the Lord our God.  

Yearning a man crawls, a man reaches, a man gives all for a moment of crystalline clarity of God.  No matter how fleeting, no matter how brief, one will spend a lifetime attempting all, giving all for love, for Love.  No matter the distance one will travel whatever path placed before them for that hope, for that promise, for that peace within.  For nothing matters except the love for God and the knowing ,true and solid that God loves each one of us completely since the moment He created us...He loves you as no other, he loves me as no other, He loves all of His children as He loves His Son... how can that be?  For He is the Father and His infinite Love knows no bounds, His infinite love... His infinite love... Holy is His name.

The past few days have been a wonderful island of inner peace within my heart... a returning to that...prayerful state my soul yearned and ached for so much over these past months.  How tranquil to know in that deeper to the bones sense that Jesus is within me.  Sure everything around me is still in flux, but that does not matter for our Lord has been kind and merciful on me... for loving is at times painful, but without the pain we would never learn, strive harder, and be healed... without pain how can we unite with our dear Jesus?  So when the pain is eased we again rest even more touched and in love with God.  Even more ready to do whatever He desires of us.  Holy is His gentle name.

Somethings deserve a Repeat

As you can see wrote this in July...re-read it tonight for the first time in months. Seems like lifetimes ago... worthy of a repeat posting mainly for my own personal reasons...a reminder for myself I suppose:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Reflections and A 4 A.M. Book

What wonder is our Lord! He reaches down to someone like me and touches my heart and soul, inspires my mind to loftier heights, me a nobody in this world of ours, someone easily invisible in a crowd. He reaches all the way down, down with His Holy Spirit, with His Son's loving heart to teach me and to love me. He reaches down so low to my hiding place and sees me covering my face with shame, and ever so gently moves my hands. Tells me He loves me for He made me. My repentant pleas heard, my sins forgiven, my desire is only to love Him and all that is of Him, my Lord my God. My Lord, My God live within me for they love me, they know all of me yet still they fill my heart with their divine presence. They have the Holy Spirit beside me guiding me and giving the gifts of Divine Love. How blessed am I to have a God so merciful and kind? So humbled I am that He lifts me up to see His light. Me- me... how preciously humbling.

So many lessons, so many trails, so many pains I have endured over these past few months, few years. But Oh! So much joy and love! Never a painful lesson taught, or sorrow endured without also God's loving consolation. Never a fear faced, or pruning cut made without Jesus' loving hand reaching to comfort me. No confusion too great, no discouragement too long before the Holy Spirit comes to comfort me. How humbled am I, how very humble I've been made to see without veil or darkness the immense love our Mysterious God has for everyone of us if we would just ask, obey, and reach for Him with true love no matter how far down we buried it in our hearts.

Our Father, God Almighty ask no more from us then He asked of Jesus His only begotten Son. Love, He wants our love pure and simple like that of a child. Love unwavering and unquestioning, it has been so long since I have felt love inside my heart. My pride, my fears, my life sealed off the warmth that I knew once lived there. So long since I had loved another in that deep intimate way, so long since I had a friendship that I did not have to shut off parts of my heart for fear.. fear they would misconstrue my filial love for something it wasn't. Sealed from the pain when all I thought were my friends suddenly abandoned me in my darkest hours. Love pure, warm, joyous has touched me again. It makes me smile and laugh and gaze at the world with wonder at God's mercy and compassion for his wandering child. Love He has shown someone so insignificant and injured like me. Our God is a loving God, his Son a gentle peace giving Master and brother, his Divine Spirit the power and deliverer of the Divine Love. All we have to do is ask and lovingly bow down.
---------------------
Woke up the other morning at 4 am, before my eyes I saw a book and a weird word as it's title. My morning addled brain struggled to read and comprehend the title of the book written on a dark background with a picture of pine trees a blue sky and what looked like an odd cabin in the foreground. Then I heard it as my southern brain wrapped around the word "Sobornost". LOL, needless to say that got me awake with a big "Whhaaatt? Sobornost? OK Linda, why are we seeing a book with a funny Russian word before our mind's eye clear enough to read at 4 am?" Ahhhh- it's one of those Madonna House books, has to be the art style looks familiar and it is the only place were I have seen Russian titled books around. Alright y if this is you working Holy Spirit let's see if we can find it on-line so I don;t go by there in the am and seem like a total crazy. Sure enough there it was,a book about the Holy Trinity and a generic description that didn't tell much to a caffeine deprived, half asleep night person. So trundled back to sleep wondering until the later more humane hours to wake up, move and think.

Long story short I don't know what it is about that house with the blue door and the nice people living inside but it has had a weird effect on me. The Holy Spirit has somehow given me a gift to end up going there and using it as a boot camp for my soul. LOL, except for the physical aspect I think basic training was a bit easier! Like I mentioned elsewhere when there my mind moves in a different way, the built-in flippant side of me shuts down, and not one visit almost has not revealed something about my self, my behavior, or given me an example of living a life focused on God realized. Went told my story in the morning and sure 'nuff there is a book there by that name and off to home I went to read it later after spending the day with Mom.

Took me over 5 and a half hours to make it through the first 46 pages. Not that it was a difficult read but there was so much to contemplate on and so many things that congealed things from previous contemplations I had had. So many simple yet profound concepts explained in a different way or just worthy of further contemplation. I'll write more later on the actual book and subject matter but I see how Catherine Dogherty built Madonna House on the principal of Sobornost and prayed to achieve it within the MH community and then to spread it eventually through the Catholic, Orthodox and Christian communities and onward.Thus uniting all in an ideal hopeand prayer to God. A truly beautiful unity between people and the Holy Trinity reflecting and infused with the Holy Trinity's perfect divine unity between God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That is probably not a very good summation at all and much of it is my own opinion and grasp of how I see all this at this hour and day, so bound to change as time passes.

To describe this sobornost??? Some things exist in the intellect, others the visual, others the emotional... this falls within the realm of God it speaks to the heart and soul. Like golden threaded gossamer the clarity is seen in shifting rays of light only. Felt like a breeze blows over your skin, a whispered touch to the soul's truth. So simple, so very very simple that the understanding is grasped but the mind's desire to hold it is feeble for it reigns not in the mind's domain but the heart's. Love, once again it all boils down to God's love for us, our love for God, and our call to love all in loving subservience to the whisper of the Holy Spirit. It is about the Trinity's ever growing example of love lived within ourselves and with our neighbor and with God always the center and focus. A life like Nazareth and the perfect love and unity the Holy Family shared and how that love shared and spilled over to incorporate all who fell within that loving circle willing to fully partake. It is a vision of how the soul hungers for a more perfect way of living here on earth during our exile and hope for Heaven.

See simple concept so hard to describe in such finite words limited and constraining of something of God's realm with its infinite depths and levels.

OK more on this later on... somehow.. better yet get the book from the Madonna House bookstore yourself and read with an open heart "Sobornost" by Catherine de Hueck Doherty. More people should read this book and not just Catholics but all Christians at the very least.
------------------See good post!
Today's Song and one I got hooked on once I heard Susan Boyle's version of it over the Christmas season. Would listen to it as I watched the night sky by St Germaine's, and wondered over the majesty of God's beauty that surrounded me, the grace of every silhouetted tree, the night sky, the stars, the crisp air that filled my every breathe as I prayed without words but with the love within my heart.:

Up To The Mountain

I went up to the mountain
Because you asked me to
Up over the clouds
To where the sky was blue
I could see all around me
Everywhere
I could see all around me
Everywhere

Sometimes I feel like
I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walkin’
Till the day I expire
See Sometimes I just lay me down
Lord, no more can I do
But then I go on again
Because you ask me to

Some days I look down
Afraid, afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines
I see nothing, nothing at all
But I hear your, your sweet voice
Oooh
Come and then go
come and then go

Telling me softly
You love me so

Lord, telling me softly
You love me so

Here Is A Good Quote

"You must be persuaded that your sinful past is in no way an obstacle to very close union with God. God forgives, and His forgiveness is Divine. With the Angels, God was not merciful because they had no miseries. With us, who are full of miseries, God is infinitely merciful."

-Blessed Columba Marmion

Could not sleep, checked the email- this was in today's Grace Line's. Merged well with the Catherine D prayer I read before bed about humility and how God uses us who are unworthy nothings to His delight to do great things with. What better example of God's great power then that, look at Blessed Brother Andre, or St John Vianney (sp?). OK, it was a lil touch of grace that woke me in this moment of reality ticking.

So kiddies, in the always evolving walk of life there are times were you must review where you are, how ya got there, and where do you want to be.  So you ask, "OK smart-ass, and where are you in this path?"  Ummm..LOL, in the OK I know what is wrong and what I do not want and what I wish I could do versus the reality of the moment.  Since the reality of the moment is the only thing that is tangible and is concrete that is where I keep trying to start from day to day.
   
My main hindrances right now are my main weaknesses- bleech!  When I am stuck in my house like now it is near impossible for me to motivate to do jack.  Too many memories, too many labels and things from the past that weigh and break my resolve too easily.  Too much time spent in this particular room, house, city with very bad memories for me.  Not exactly my 'shining' moment spent in this attic space, in fact outside of the incidents that lead to my breakdown this was were I basically struggled the after-effects of a very abusive, horrific, stalking, violent relationship with my ex.  This was also were I had to face the horrific depressions and suicidal battles to force myself to make it through another day, hour, minute.  BUT that thankfully is all long in the past, but the scars do still break open and bleed over.  So I place anew everyday my whole being in our Lord Jesus' hands and in Mary's hands, and hope and try to find a measure of peace within.  Let's be honest, lol, I have not been very good at that lately.

Review time!  I have had a bitch-slap return of my social panic attacks since coming back.  Yeehaaa!- Not!  Ideally what can I hope and pray for?  Well ideally a setting where I can go and have a conducive place to create artwork away from the house and foster a life lived only for God.  Need visual stimulation and mental stimulation at least in this infancy stage I find myself back in with regards to art.  Ideally a place where there are people who are supportive yet also expect without a doubt work, at least attempted.  Well, a place where I actually laugh again, or even smile at something besides my own inane mental mutterings.  Energy, sadly, I need to be around people with energy and humor to have that part of me feed and awakened.  Then it is self sustaining within me on its own for awhile.  On my own...well, let's face it some folks ain't meant to mix it up too well in this big ol world on their own and I hate to admit that that is how I am anymore in my life.  When I was young I was the spark that fed others, I was the ball of energy that lit up a room.  But life has sadly beaten that out of me for now.  Yes, I feel joy and all that good stuff.  Just in almost total isolation for 22-23 hours a day- not a healthy thing for moi.  And with no hope for marriage or partner, welp, it's just me, kid. But that isn't really important to me, other then the companionship built-in for life idea.

So how to change??????
Can't go back to College, student loans still in default until they are paid in full thus no scholarships, grants, etc to pay tuition, also knocks me out of all the state job training programs.  Hmmm, high school grad with  enough college credits to graduate if I had just focused them, EMT no good have to go back to get re-certified, no more free classes due economy.  Veteran status no good, too many combat vets deserving help, and my pre-existing conditions ruined any disabled vet status on my honorable discharge.  Let's see, previous visits to the psychward for the depression knocks me out of most volunteering jobs with kids, elderly, also out of paying jobs with almost anything.  Economy sucks unemployment high and too many need the money more then me.  Oh plus can't half hear especially in noisy places.. but strong like bull and still have me some brain cells semi-functioning!  :0P  LOL!

WHAT about church functions Linda?
See above- my social freaks out have returned with a vengeance.. it takes all I can do to get out of the house to even walk to Mass, or even walk down my street- heck to even walk in my own backyard!  Forcing myself to help over at my folks place and their yard stuff and that is after a rather unpleasant self-talk(yelling)time to get out the door without freezing up.  I would be so embarrassed for anybody who knew me in Canada to see me in this state of being.  Can hardly pick up the telephone to even call people who I know are wonderful and kind and like me without having a panic attack.  So hoping this is just a temporary thing due the sudden return to city life and old settings... and again trusting and praying that Jesus and Mary might help me out on this one.  At least I know there are certain settings and places that actually allow me get over all this baggage and crap.  Just has to be somewhere where they don't pre-judge and place me in a labeled box, and sort of forces me to let the positive sides of me to escape from their interior prison and breath free again.  ROFLMAO!  Ohh NO PROBLEM in the land of the free!

NO PROBLEM!  And God also keeps calling me to religious life...no problem.  :0P  ROFLMAO! Hey if I don't laugh at myself, then..well, it'd be rather depressing and that sure isn't fun!  You can be miserable but not have to be miserable!  I know contradictory, but it works! Welp- back to attempting baby-steps and knowing I will fall and it will hurt like hell when I do, but this ain't the season of conversion for nothing folks!  Now how do I get the faith of a mustard seed so this mountain can be moved?  That's right, serious Prayer, trusting, faith, sacrifice, hope, and becoming like a child and -oh and repeat and repeat and repeat until I finally get it a little closer to right with God... Oh Mother Mary, good thing I got you to guide me and help me on this trek to becoming closer to your Son!  Your daughter here is a bit of a mess especially for someone my age!
*skipping off, singing the Wizard of Oz's Scarecrow song* "..I'd be hmhmm-da-hmmhmm, if I only had a brain!..."(never could remember the words to that darn song! LOL!)

 


 hidden

among 

the


hidden

The Twelfth Chapter

The Value of Adversity

IT IS good for us to have trials and troubles at times, for they often remind us that we are on probation and ought not to hope in any worldly thing. It is good for us sometimes to suffer contradiction, to be misjudged by men even though we do well and mean well. These things help us to be humble and shield us from vainglory. When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to seek God Who sees our hearts. Therefore, a man ought to root himself so firmly in God that he will not need the consolations of men. When a man of good will is afflicted, tempted, and tormented by evil thoughts, he realizes clearly that his greatest need is God, without Whom he can do no good. ---JOHN XV. 5.  Saddened by his miseries and sufferings, he laments and prays. He wearies of living longer and wishes for death that he might be dissolved and be with Christ.---PHIL. I. 23.  Then he understands fully that perfect security and complete peace cannot be found on earth.

"O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes."

Blessed Feast Day!  May St Joseph pray for us and lead us to his adopted Son!

How humble an example for us all to meditate on and to be like Joseph.  How beautiful that we have the return to Christmas within the middle of Lent! The soft wonder reminds us all the glorious gift of Jesus' birth is to us poor sinners.  To contrast and compliment with His great gift of suffering and dying for us so we may all be resurrected with Him.  (wow! What an awesome God we have!)

 This past week since my mind and heart have settled there is a return of the Christmas wonder that traveled and led me over most of last year.  Funny how when Advent arrived this past year my prayer and meditations became  almost solely focused on Jesus' Passion, now in the middle of Lent gradually over the last couple weeks and especially this week all has turned back to a more typical Advent focus.

"O night of brilliant light, splendor filling the skies.  O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes. "

Joseph a most righteous man... What was held in his heart at Simeon's words?  What did Joseph endure knowing as all waiting for salvation must have known, when Jesus pays His sacrifice for us to the Almighty Father?  The harmonious union of the Christmas and Lent are perfectly suited in my meager understandings.  For in both we yearn, we wait so patiently for hope, salvation in awareness of God's great mercy, love for us tiny little beings.  We wait aware of our unworthiness, yet knowing that despite that thanks to Jesus' humility and divine love we are made worthy.  The little and big seasons of Lent... times to wonder and to pray for conversion ever greater for union with God's will for us.  Yes, o come, o come Emmanuel have mercy on us as you were born to die, your death freely chosen.  Your death freely willed as the perfect sacrifice of love and obedience to the Father.

Praise, glory and thanks be forever to you dear Jesus... thank you dear God, the mysteries you have blessed us with... the light you give to light our way and fill our hearts.  O thank you and have mercy upon us and this world, pray for us dear St Joseph so we may always strive to be righteous in the sight of the most Holy Trinity.

Another RIP from Iraq

Remember in your prayers Spc Steven Jesse Bishop +, Floyd native, who died from non-combat related illness last week in Iraq.  He was a volunteer firefighter in Floyd during the time I was an EMT and our paths crossed many times.  He did reconstruction work in Iraq.  Sigh.... may God have mercy on Steven, his family and loved ones.  May our dear Lord have mercy on all who live and are deployed in war zones, and areas of conflict.  Dear God in the name of your beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and in unity with the Holy Spirit, one God forever-have mercy and please bring peace and protect them from evil.

First reading   Isaiah 49:8-15
I have given you as a covenant to the people, to restore the land.


Thus says the LORD:
In a time of favor I answer you,
    on the day of salvation I help you;
    and I have kept you and given you as a covenant to the people,
To restore the land
    and allot the desolate heritages,
Saying to the prisoners: Come out!
To those in darkness: Show yourselves!
Along the ways they shall find pasture,
    on every bare height shall their pastures be.
They shall not hunger or thirst,
    nor shall the scorching wind or the sun strike them;
For he who pities them leads them
    and guides them beside springs of water.
I will cut a road through all my mountains,
    and make my highways level.
See, some shall come from afar,
    others from the north and the west,
    and some from the land of Syene.
Sing out, O heavens, and rejoice, O earth,
    break forth into song, you mountains.
For the LORD comforts his people
    and shows mercy to his afflicted.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;
    my Lord has forgotten me.”
Can a mother forget her infant,
    be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget,
    I will never forget you.

Just want to thank all of you wonderful people who have prayed for me over these past several weeks.  Your prayers have helped me, and Jesus' mercy has helped me.  The past couple days have been rather good days.  Not filled with the flurry of the last month and the spiritual confusion, distance and doubts.  A peace is entering back into my heart and that is good.  Able to feel more back to normal again, thanks be to God!