So kiddies, in the always evolving walk of life there are times were you must review where you are, how ya got there, and where do you want to be.  So you ask, "OK smart-ass, and where are you in this path?"  Ummm..LOL, in the OK I know what is wrong and what I do not want and what I wish I could do versus the reality of the moment.  Since the reality of the moment is the only thing that is tangible and is concrete that is where I keep trying to start from day to day.
   
My main hindrances right now are my main weaknesses- bleech!  When I am stuck in my house like now it is near impossible for me to motivate to do jack.  Too many memories, too many labels and things from the past that weigh and break my resolve too easily.  Too much time spent in this particular room, house, city with very bad memories for me.  Not exactly my 'shining' moment spent in this attic space, in fact outside of the incidents that lead to my breakdown this was were I basically struggled the after-effects of a very abusive, horrific, stalking, violent relationship with my ex.  This was also were I had to face the horrific depressions and suicidal battles to force myself to make it through another day, hour, minute.  BUT that thankfully is all long in the past, but the scars do still break open and bleed over.  So I place anew everyday my whole being in our Lord Jesus' hands and in Mary's hands, and hope and try to find a measure of peace within.  Let's be honest, lol, I have not been very good at that lately.

Review time!  I have had a bitch-slap return of my social panic attacks since coming back.  Yeehaaa!- Not!  Ideally what can I hope and pray for?  Well ideally a setting where I can go and have a conducive place to create artwork away from the house and foster a life lived only for God.  Need visual stimulation and mental stimulation at least in this infancy stage I find myself back in with regards to art.  Ideally a place where there are people who are supportive yet also expect without a doubt work, at least attempted.  Well, a place where I actually laugh again, or even smile at something besides my own inane mental mutterings.  Energy, sadly, I need to be around people with energy and humor to have that part of me feed and awakened.  Then it is self sustaining within me on its own for awhile.  On my own...well, let's face it some folks ain't meant to mix it up too well in this big ol world on their own and I hate to admit that that is how I am anymore in my life.  When I was young I was the spark that fed others, I was the ball of energy that lit up a room.  But life has sadly beaten that out of me for now.  Yes, I feel joy and all that good stuff.  Just in almost total isolation for 22-23 hours a day- not a healthy thing for moi.  And with no hope for marriage or partner, welp, it's just me, kid. But that isn't really important to me, other then the companionship built-in for life idea.

So how to change??????
Can't go back to College, student loans still in default until they are paid in full thus no scholarships, grants, etc to pay tuition, also knocks me out of all the state job training programs.  Hmmm, high school grad with  enough college credits to graduate if I had just focused them, EMT no good have to go back to get re-certified, no more free classes due economy.  Veteran status no good, too many combat vets deserving help, and my pre-existing conditions ruined any disabled vet status on my honorable discharge.  Let's see, previous visits to the psychward for the depression knocks me out of most volunteering jobs with kids, elderly, also out of paying jobs with almost anything.  Economy sucks unemployment high and too many need the money more then me.  Oh plus can't half hear especially in noisy places.. but strong like bull and still have me some brain cells semi-functioning!  :0P  LOL!

WHAT about church functions Linda?
See above- my social freaks out have returned with a vengeance.. it takes all I can do to get out of the house to even walk to Mass, or even walk down my street- heck to even walk in my own backyard!  Forcing myself to help over at my folks place and their yard stuff and that is after a rather unpleasant self-talk(yelling)time to get out the door without freezing up.  I would be so embarrassed for anybody who knew me in Canada to see me in this state of being.  Can hardly pick up the telephone to even call people who I know are wonderful and kind and like me without having a panic attack.  So hoping this is just a temporary thing due the sudden return to city life and old settings... and again trusting and praying that Jesus and Mary might help me out on this one.  At least I know there are certain settings and places that actually allow me get over all this baggage and crap.  Just has to be somewhere where they don't pre-judge and place me in a labeled box, and sort of forces me to let the positive sides of me to escape from their interior prison and breath free again.  ROFLMAO!  Ohh NO PROBLEM in the land of the free!

NO PROBLEM!  And God also keeps calling me to religious life...no problem.  :0P  ROFLMAO! Hey if I don't laugh at myself, then..well, it'd be rather depressing and that sure isn't fun!  You can be miserable but not have to be miserable!  I know contradictory, but it works! Welp- back to attempting baby-steps and knowing I will fall and it will hurt like hell when I do, but this ain't the season of conversion for nothing folks!  Now how do I get the faith of a mustard seed so this mountain can be moved?  That's right, serious Prayer, trusting, faith, sacrifice, hope, and becoming like a child and -oh and repeat and repeat and repeat until I finally get it a little closer to right with God... Oh Mother Mary, good thing I got you to guide me and help me on this trek to becoming closer to your Son!  Your daughter here is a bit of a mess especially for someone my age!
*skipping off, singing the Wizard of Oz's Scarecrow song* "..I'd be hmhmm-da-hmmhmm, if I only had a brain!..."(never could remember the words to that darn song! LOL!)

 


 hidden

among 

the


hidden

The Twelfth Chapter

The Value of Adversity

IT IS good for us to have trials and troubles at times, for they often remind us that we are on probation and ought not to hope in any worldly thing. It is good for us sometimes to suffer contradiction, to be misjudged by men even though we do well and mean well. These things help us to be humble and shield us from vainglory. When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to seek God Who sees our hearts. Therefore, a man ought to root himself so firmly in God that he will not need the consolations of men. When a man of good will is afflicted, tempted, and tormented by evil thoughts, he realizes clearly that his greatest need is God, without Whom he can do no good. ---JOHN XV. 5.  Saddened by his miseries and sufferings, he laments and prays. He wearies of living longer and wishes for death that he might be dissolved and be with Christ.---PHIL. I. 23.  Then he understands fully that perfect security and complete peace cannot be found on earth.

"O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes."

Blessed Feast Day!  May St Joseph pray for us and lead us to his adopted Son!

How humble an example for us all to meditate on and to be like Joseph.  How beautiful that we have the return to Christmas within the middle of Lent! The soft wonder reminds us all the glorious gift of Jesus' birth is to us poor sinners.  To contrast and compliment with His great gift of suffering and dying for us so we may all be resurrected with Him.  (wow! What an awesome God we have!)

 This past week since my mind and heart have settled there is a return of the Christmas wonder that traveled and led me over most of last year.  Funny how when Advent arrived this past year my prayer and meditations became  almost solely focused on Jesus' Passion, now in the middle of Lent gradually over the last couple weeks and especially this week all has turned back to a more typical Advent focus.

"O night of brilliant light, splendor filling the skies.  O most brilliant holy light, bring the dawn to my eyes. "

Joseph a most righteous man... What was held in his heart at Simeon's words?  What did Joseph endure knowing as all waiting for salvation must have known, when Jesus pays His sacrifice for us to the Almighty Father?  The harmonious union of the Christmas and Lent are perfectly suited in my meager understandings.  For in both we yearn, we wait so patiently for hope, salvation in awareness of God's great mercy, love for us tiny little beings.  We wait aware of our unworthiness, yet knowing that despite that thanks to Jesus' humility and divine love we are made worthy.  The little and big seasons of Lent... times to wonder and to pray for conversion ever greater for union with God's will for us.  Yes, o come, o come Emmanuel have mercy on us as you were born to die, your death freely chosen.  Your death freely willed as the perfect sacrifice of love and obedience to the Father.

Praise, glory and thanks be forever to you dear Jesus... thank you dear God, the mysteries you have blessed us with... the light you give to light our way and fill our hearts.  O thank you and have mercy upon us and this world, pray for us dear St Joseph so we may always strive to be righteous in the sight of the most Holy Trinity.

Another RIP from Iraq

Remember in your prayers Spc Steven Jesse Bishop +, Floyd native, who died from non-combat related illness last week in Iraq.  He was a volunteer firefighter in Floyd during the time I was an EMT and our paths crossed many times.  He did reconstruction work in Iraq.  Sigh.... may God have mercy on Steven, his family and loved ones.  May our dear Lord have mercy on all who live and are deployed in war zones, and areas of conflict.  Dear God in the name of your beloved Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord and in unity with the Holy Spirit, one God forever-have mercy and please bring peace and protect them from evil.

First reading   Isaiah 49:8-15
I have given you as a covenant to the people, to restore the land.


Thus says the LORD:
In a time of favor I answer you,
    on the day of salvation I help you;
    and I have kept you and given you as a covenant to the people,
To restore the land
    and allot the desolate heritages,
Saying to the prisoners: Come out!
To those in darkness: Show yourselves!
Along the ways they shall find pasture,
    on every bare height shall their pastures be.
They shall not hunger or thirst,
    nor shall the scorching wind or the sun strike them;
For he who pities them leads them
    and guides them beside springs of water.
I will cut a road through all my mountains,
    and make my highways level.
See, some shall come from afar,
    others from the north and the west,
    and some from the land of Syene.
Sing out, O heavens, and rejoice, O earth,
    break forth into song, you mountains.
For the LORD comforts his people
    and shows mercy to his afflicted.

But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;
    my Lord has forgotten me.”
Can a mother forget her infant,
    be without tenderness for the child of her womb?
Even should she forget,
    I will never forget you.

Just want to thank all of you wonderful people who have prayed for me over these past several weeks.  Your prayers have helped me, and Jesus' mercy has helped me.  The past couple days have been rather good days.  Not filled with the flurry of the last month and the spiritual confusion, distance and doubts.  A peace is entering back into my heart and that is good.  Able to feel more back to normal again, thanks be to God!

a forehead slapping "duh" moment.

OK, sometimes God points out the obvious to you so you can realize your mistakes.  LOL, and with me ..well.. if you are even reading this need I say more?

Read the freshly posted Restoration article today and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head- a forehead slapping "duh" moment.  It is me that has been seriously getting in the way lately, that much I knew but in the flurry of all the changes I had somehow managed to forget the fact that when in Canada unpleasant hurts and pains from the past had started to come up bigtime.  Some that were very painful and had affected me for most of my life.  I have had the wonderful draw of life to have had a large chunk of not so fun things happen to me over my lifetime, like most folks.  From many, many surgeries, a hughly abusive relationship where I had real fear for my life, to many other things I won't go into in a semi-public forum.

When I started working in the kitchen at St M's one very big issue that had been nicely hid away in the bak mental filing cabinet decided to make itself known again.  Guess it was the safety of the place that allowed these things to come forward and for some hopeful healing to take place.  But plans and things changed so instead of dealing with the pains of the past they got stuffed back again as reality of the moment took over and I had to return to the nexus of many things unpleasant.  Bad timing but it is what it is and nothing is going to change the current situation.  So how to deal with this stuff, heal and rebuild?  Once again I guess I give it all to Jesus and pray, and find away to do what I must do in the isolated place I am currently in.  Hope springs eternal.

Ahh Sunday!  The Lord's day, praise be to God!

Things to be better, a calm has stayed with me inside.  Was re-reading some of my posts and know I have been a bit out there lately.  Never thought I would be this emotional, this whatever...
so had a good quiet time in prayer today. One on what has been going on lately inside me Sometimes it is too easy to get wrapped up in your own crap and it misleads you and misguides you.  So this evening and tomorrow are new days and once again try to start anew!

So since transportation is severely limited, along with funds for stuff like a bus going to look again at anything within a bit easier walking distance that might want volunteers.  Got to get out of the house and mix with other people!  So pray for me and off I go!  :0)

On this Saturday, a day to spend some extra time with our Dear Mother, this favorite prayer card came to mind.  I first saw it last year when the blog site had it as their card of the day on--my birthday!  It seems even back then Mother Mary was giving me little clues to her love for me and how she wanted to bring me closer to her dear Son, Jesus.  In honor of the upcoming Feast of the Annunciation and because I feel lead to I have started re-reading St Louis De Monfort's "True Devotion to Mary" and praying the preparation again.

It is an excellent book to help bring you closer to our Mother Mary, I personally find the original book beautifully written although some prefer a more modern translation over the original.  Through the total Consecration to Jesus Through Mary your life and heart are forever changed as layers of old self are peeled away leaving a heart yearning and opening to receive the love our Lord Jesus and his blessed Mother have to give you.  Not until after my Consecration did my heart and mind realize how close and truly present Jesus' Mother is within each of us if we would just call on her.  No matter how hard things may get for me right now, it only goes to a point then as if she knows the limit in Mary swoops to scoop me up into her arms and hug me close.

That happened again this afternoon, what is it about Saturdays lately?  By imaginary fingernails my arms shaking and being silently screaming, "For you I'll hang on for I deserve this and offer it all as sacrifice to you dear God.  But dear Mary I need help because I don't think I can take this much longer."  Trust me, it was not a pleasant few days inside Lindaland's being.  Then as I prayed some "Hail Mary's" my never fail prayer of desperation a gentle calm overtook me and the body relaxed, the mind rested on a sturdy warm ledge and loving sleep took over me.  The nap was only an hour but the rest and renewal is golden sunlight within this heart.  On waking my first thoughts were, thank you Mary, thank you Jesus.  They are always with us, even when silent. (And yes I prob'ly will repeat that billions of times over my lifetime to whomever will listen!)

So we are over the midway point for the great season of Lent... and through no conscious effort or action of my own this is shaping up to be-lol, a humdinger of a doozy!  What was that word from Epiphany??  LOL!  All I can say is thank you God for the gift of Mary and thank you dear Jesus for your giving her to us all during your final moments on the cross.  She is my Queen, my Mother, my guide to Jesus, and my friend when  all seems lost and alone.

The one thought/meditation that has crossed thru many times over the last several months since Nov 1 is I am about the same age Mary was when she suffered her Son's Passion.  Then I see the pure joy of Mother and child in the picture above, and understand a bit, a wee little bit...

Don't know who the photographer is, but think these are cute!

thoughts take me back to a time when the world glowed with beauty...Sketchbook in hand all was a picture to be captured, a painting waiting birth
Trees with bark so filled with grace and stories of life's trek wanting telling thru pencil and ink, watercolor and oil
light danced thru shadows and glistening highlights that blinded with delight
the artist's love and passion as hand, eye raced in glory to capture the blessed moment.
Tis harder to live then to die.
As the tides moved out leaving gasping sea life on virgin land.
tornadoes rip and shred the delicate strong ancient wonders, ancient monoliths now broken and splintered, strewn over grass fields waltzing to the cacophonous orchestrations.

Easier to ignore then to see.

ticking, never ending ticking like breathing paused,
where?  where is the sun?  vision blinded,passion killed
Tis harder as time ticks bye
light, shadows grow long..hope a baptisted vision promised long ago
Divinity a line in a book quoted, a light to guide-somewhere
where,when...hope?  time is testing the artist within.
in silent hope.. somewhere, in that deafening silence.. somewhere...please