Where did the dream go? The oft meandering posts on this blog over the years expressing my hope and desire to find a community to call home went away with my dream. Now what? When I turned 50 almost a year ago I knew there were almost no religious orders that would take a woman of my age, never had I felt so ancient and wasted.
Almost a year now I have prayed, endured, and searched for that elusive "What does God wish of me?", that elusive feeling of "home". No where it is felt even though I am surrounded by loving people, caring friends and family. I try to empty myself of the desire, try to stay in THIS moment, this time. No thinking further, no looking back. Last year I foolishly asked God if He wishes for me to stay here and in this place to please help me find a job to help with the bills after my father's death and with the ever increasing costs of living. No such fortune so far, so I must again return to the focus of the moment.
Sadly I admit I am a terrible self-motivator, my energy and spark come from sources outside of myself. A flaw, blame it on the Myers-Briggs scale- OK, I joke. I have to blame only myself. God is never to be blamed, He knows me better then I will ever know myself and knows what is best for me. I was the one who turned from the Church in my youth, I was the one who made the bad decisions to wait a couple years when I returned to the Church to make sure I was not acting out of a false exuberance.
Stated previously in this blog somewhere I honestly would wonder why an Order or group would accept someone like me if they ever offered me that chance. Maybe that is my cross to be among the rejected? Guess it is the rejection flat out based on my age, such an arbitrary thing imo. Yes, age of a person might mean that some are too set in their ways, or might have too much baggage, or some mental hangups. Yes, intellectually I accept that, but still emotionally it hurts to not be given the chance to sink or swim since most groups have a trial phase where either side can say thanks but no thanks.
Where to go from here? Other then a hope for Heaven, a person needs something to dream in life. A person needs a place to call home while riding this ship of life waiting for their final destination. I am in no hurry for that final judgement, I know my sins of the past and present. When compared to the wonderful, good and even holy people I know I am the worst. Crippled by my fears, wounded by rejection, they forced me to see myself as the wasted life I am. Selfish to the core, unable to give love, kindness to others, as the months have gone by I feel myself struggling to even force acts of kindness tho my heart yearns so much to give.
This journey of the past 7+ years, counting the years of actively searching for a religious order/group, has been so blessed by our loving God. So many true Christians living the life who continue to bless me with their kindness and mercy. Oh, but I fight a dark battle within for I know my joy should be just with God, but He makes it hard (or rather I make it hard). How I yearn to be surrounded by God fearing people who also focus on the same journey that share a common home. This not to be, unless God works some major miracle. Since I do not foresee any religious group popping up and suddenly accepting 50 yo, soon to be 51, I must accept the fact that this for now is my life. My cross. My darkness, and occasional light, my life spent floundering alone in the human sea, kept always at arms length. An acquaintance, but never a friend. Maybe this is why I was never drawn to marriage and children? End the cycle with me to not pass it along to another generation?
I know God is within me, and I trust in His love and mercy. Hopefully this is my penance here on earth and for others so that just maybe when I do pass, then I can finally be home.