Saturday, November 15, 2014

Had a terrible night's sleep, one of those nights were you sleep for a short little bit and then just lie there...hum-dee-dum.  Did have a extremely vivid dream though.  One of 'those' type of dreams, had them all my life and when they occur I have to take note and keep my ears perked to the world around me.  A warning dream of dramatic and sudden change is coming that while have difficulty or emotional upset with it.  For those who know me, a flood dream but interestingly with a bit of twists normally not seen in these dreams.

The dreams starts off as a dream within a dream and my awakening on the floor unable to wake up, barely able to open my eyes the weight of sleep so heavy on me.  A messy living room decorated for Christmas, tree and lights in a spartan room with no furniture just a tv/computer screen, the tree and in the corners and along the wall handmade paper nativity scene I supposedly made years ago.  Lights lay on the floor and I set about putting them around the Christmas decorations to light them and make them prettier looking. Kept waiting for someone to come home that I did not want to see, rather reminiscent of being at home waiting for my ex to show up and ruin a perfectly mundane moment.  Was night outside and dark, no lights other then those within the room casting colorful glows despite the burnt-out lights on many of the strings.

Scene shifts to large open area like a farm by a river with the house on the banks, many people who I know and company I enjoy are there and we are going about the day suddenly the fields are being covered by flooding water at first clear then turning a muddy brown.  Furrows are soggy and the feet sink into the soft plowed soil, as waters fill in faster and faster all around us.  Nobody panics, my only statement to another woman was" Well guess my computer is gone" referring to the lower-lands were my apartment with the Christmas decorations was, and how I wish I could have saved my I Pod( wish I did own one, it'd be pretty cool).  But also realizing as I said it that it was just an attachment, but I so love music.  The dog is walking beside my on the higher peaks of the plowed land and my feet are sinking in muddy swirling icky flood waters and the woman is somehow higher up on more solid ground saying don't worry we won't get harmed.  As I remind them I don't swim.  Despite the fast growing disaster there is a calm and almost detached wonder at the beauty and destructiveness of the flooding raising waters even tho there is no rain around.

Turning back to the sound of people I see some folks from town running to the river banks to watch the unfolding disaster with complete unawareness of the dangers around them as they snake along the one small pathway leading to the edge.  A few nuns in habits made of multi colored grey patches are watching their charges, all children young run to the waters edge and they sit at a picnic table to view the raising flood.  Curious I wondered why nuns of all people would bring children to such a precarious place in such a casual manner and then sit and act like it is a picnic. As I turned and went walking back following the lady heading my group to the safe part of the farm, I felt no fear for myself, we were all calm, as the city folks kept coming to watch and be surrounded by the rising flood.  They were not even cognizant of the water trapping them next to the river's bend and swift deadly waters leaving them no place to run.

Woke up instantly knowing big change was coming and I was going to be drawn into the middle of it, that while it will be challenging and difficult like feet stuck in mud, it will be a hardship that will in the end turn out ok.
In light of today's Scripture readings, Fr. Bob's Prayer is:
Great Shepherd, the look in your eyes is riveting, deep and soothing! You seem to look to and through me! As tired as we get, grazing in the busy pastures of our lives, it is good to know that you are watching over us and waiting within us. Let our actions praise you by the way we respectfully treat each other. Give us generous and obedient hearts. Help us to listen to the wisdom of others, rather than always munching on our own insights, insecurities, and intolerance. As you did with your apostles, Jesus, take us to an out- of-the-way place where we can rest, reflect and be renewed by you. Amid the hectic pace of our pastures, we forget and don't carve our caves of silence and solitude. Slow us down and lead us to take time and space to be with you and be refreshed by you, Gentle Shepherd. Hoist us on your broad, strong shoulders today. Your eyes are so warm! Your touch is so embracing! Your voice is so inviting! I'll follow you anywhere, Good Shepherd of Peace!

Friday, July 4, 2014

"CREED" ACOUSTIC Third Day and Brandon Heath Singing The Apostles Creed Oringinally done by Richard Mullins

Make a plan, work the plan.

A wonderfully phrase I read awhile back.  Setting up a routine with a couple coals in mind and sticking to a gradually induction into that plan is my goal.  Forcing a habit to become the norm through repetition, start with the simplistic and trusting through effort that things will fall into place and God will lead over the trail.

At this point in time things are still murky and cloudy but I am forcing myself to do the "have to's" of the moment.  A great quote from Cathrine Doherty and most likely others is paying attention to "the duty of the moment".  Offering to God, for God the drudges of the mundane dregs of everyday life.  Work to get the home repair work between my Mom's house and my house.  That is a long list since no one else is around to do them except me save the gardening stuff which is David's to tend around his full time job.

Great news is that I was wait listed for an Icon Writing retreat and got accepted after some others dropped out.  So hopefully, God willing, I will learn how to make icons!  This with wood carving and some sculpture work might open a wee crack into some way to earn some money in the future.  Was debating if I could rent a storage unit to use as a workshop?  Don't know what thier rules are, but something to check out over the next few months if I can get some money saved up.

Make a plan, work the plan.  God willing, God willing.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

"The world's thy ship and not thy Home." -St Therese

Where did the dream go?  The oft meandering posts on this blog over the years expressing my hope and desire to find a community to call home went away with my dream.  Now what?  When I turned 50 almost a year ago I knew there were almost no religious orders that would take a woman of my age, never had I felt so ancient and wasted.

Almost a year now I have prayed, endured, and searched for that elusive "What does God wish of me?", that elusive feeling of "home".  No where it is felt even though I am surrounded by loving people, caring friends and family. I try to empty myself of the desire, try to stay in THIS moment, this time.  No thinking further, no looking back.  Last year I foolishly asked God if He wishes for me to stay here and in this place to please help me find a job to help with the bills after my father's death and with the ever increasing costs of living.  No such fortune so far, so I must again return to the focus of the moment.

Sadly I admit I am a terrible self-motivator, my energy and spark come from sources outside of myself.  A flaw, blame it on the Myers-Briggs scale- OK, I joke.  I have to blame only myself.  God is never to be blamed, He knows me better then I will ever know myself and knows what is best for me.  I was the one who turned from the Church in my youth, I was the one who made the bad decisions to wait a couple years when I returned to the Church to make sure I was not acting out of a false exuberance.

Stated previously in this blog somewhere I honestly would wonder why an Order or group would accept someone like me if they ever offered me that chance.  Maybe that is my cross to be among the rejected?  Guess it is the rejection flat out based on my age, such an arbitrary thing imo.  Yes, age of a person might mean that some are too set in their ways, or might have too much baggage, or some mental hangups.  Yes, intellectually I accept that, but still emotionally it hurts to not be given the chance to sink or swim since most groups have a trial phase where either side can say thanks but no thanks.

Where to go from here?  Other then a hope for Heaven, a person needs something to  dream in life.  A person needs a place to call home while riding this ship of life waiting for their final destination.  I am in no hurry for that final judgement, I know my sins of the past and present.  When compared to the wonderful, good and even holy people I know I am the worst.  Crippled by my fears, wounded by  rejection, they forced me to see myself as the wasted life I am.  Selfish to the core, unable to give love, kindness to others, as the months have gone by I feel myself struggling to even force acts of kindness tho my heart yearns so much to give.

This journey of the past 7+ years, counting the years of actively searching for a religious order/group, has been so blessed by our loving God.  So many true Christians living the life who continue to bless me with their kindness and mercy.  Oh, but I fight a dark battle within for I know my joy should be just with God, but He makes it hard (or rather I make it hard).  How I yearn to be surrounded by God fearing people who also focus on the same journey that share a common home.  This not to be, unless God works some major miracle.  Since I do not foresee any religious group popping up and suddenly accepting 50 yo, soon to be 51, I must accept the fact that this for now is my life.  My cross.  My darkness, and occasional light, my life spent floundering alone in the human sea, kept always at arms length. An acquaintance, but never a friend. Maybe this is why I was never drawn to marriage and children?  End the cycle with me to not pass it along to another generation?

I know God is within me, and I trust in His love and mercy.  Hopefully this is my penance here on earth and for others so that just maybe when I do pass, then I can finally be home.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014