Thursday, March 22, 2012

Spring is blurting through the valley like a speed painter on an assembly line.  Hot days and warm nights have made what is usually a slow awakening from winter into a sudden clash of morning alarm bells. Trees blooming and greening so fast I have to look at the calender and remind myself it has only been a week since the switch was hit.

Has been a long, long few months.  Had major house repairs that needed to be done.  Finally got that inspiration to paint the interior rooms of the house thanks to walls being ripped out by the plumbers.  God is merciful making this my chore for Lent.  Been fighting a major depressive swing following the house mayhem, physical problems, and that human desire to want to be somewhere else in life.  I am again looking at life and wondering what is it God wishes of me?  Where will I find joy?  Real joy, a sense of belonging, of being free to be my self.

I know, I know, God speaks to those who listen.  That God will let it be known where He desires me to be.  To embrace the promise of hope, and love and fidelity to God in this very moment.  Tomorrow may not come so I must live today as fully for, with and in Jesus as my poor sinful heart is able through His grace and my meager efforts. Oh, how pitiful has my heart been of late!  Almost everyday these past few weeks has been a battle of ,"Why bother? What difference does it make?" and clinging like from precipice to that tiny filament of some vague hope.  Intellectually I know God's hope is true and real, I know the truth of God and His Love from my own life and His love towards me directly and through the people He placed around me.  Mentally, the brute side, the side that feels aimless and lost wonders why God even bothered to give me such hopes, why He even reminded me that in certain situations I can flourish and laugh and feel a lightness of being.

All feels dark within, like the thunderstorms that crash and shake the valley floor as thunder rattles the windows and rain floods the streets. I see the joy amidst struggles of the people whose path I cross and I feel how awful I am.  Terrible, lazy sinner too lost in my own selfishness to do more for others.  See people so assured in their chosen paths of life.  married raising children, treasuring their now arriving grandchildren.  Religious working and living for our God knowing they have been so gifted by Him to have that life.  Then I see my own life, and how that devil needles me with thoughts that are not of God, those past dark depressing thoughts that had been my cross many years ago.  Leaves me crying from my emotional, small, egotistical self, :What do you want from me God?  What can I do for You?  Just give me a tiny hint, give me some tiny hope of joy in this life."  Needles to say, it has not been a good couple weeks.

But God is good, work must get done so cannot get trapped in immobilizing pity party for one nothingness. Just keep repeating and praying over and over in my head, this too shall pass.  God has a plan, all I have to do is be here in the moment as best as His grace might allow my and my own failures won't hinder me. Ha..oh my failures!  My weaknesses, my struggle, my life.  "Me" repeated when it isn't all about "me" and honestly I don't want it to be about me.  But how can I give all to our God if I cannot even see beyond the dark cloud that suffocates?  Where did all my hope and dreams go this time? Why do I continually feel alone and that my only hope in joy is only after my time here is over?  That all opportunities are past me now.  Spring allergies, you always make me feel worse and even whinier. I am sorry, again. Trust in our God.  Jesus, I trust in you, have mercy on me a wretched, lost sinner.

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