The journey is the most important thing when trying to discern a vocation. This is very true, through God's kindness I have had the pleasure of living with some very special communities and learn more about our Lord's wondrous love for us all. Since I have stepped on this path I wondered where God will lead me. I am still wondering, but now I have learned to not be concerned with the things out of my control (OK, as much lol).
The more important thing is the journey has enriched me. God has placed some amazing, holy, fun, touching people along the trip. Some I met only for a brief moment, others I got to know longer and more deeply. Through their lives I got to see how living a life completely for God is really another paradox of Christian living, it is a life filled with joy and hardship, with laughter and tears. The one constant is that despite our humanity, we all know more and more the truth that God loves us infinitely. He is always with us, in us, and when we surrender to Him and let God take over we must be like little children. The Father always cares for His children in everything great and small.
So after about 3 years of searching and so many places turning me down outright due my age I am not going to actively look anymore unless I feel a strong push from God to go a certain way. I am not closing the door, heavens no! Deep in my heart, knowing my weaknesses and how much I felt so myself in a community setting, I can never close that small bit of hope that maybe..maybe somewhere God wants me. But reality of the moment is I will be 49 in a couple months, and as such I have to stop procrastinating on somethings like buying a car and finding a more permanent job. Getting hearing aides, next month if all goes well. (just do not mention plumbing repairs in our house, lol! Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of repairs in the last two months-ouchers). All that grown up, living in the world as a single woman responsibility stuff that is the daily grind of modern life.
This does sadden me, but I know God will place something before me, even if it is a lesson or penance that will make me grow in some area. And when blessed by God we all should grow more and more for God is never static. And I do need a lot of growth in many areas of my personality and being. So, I refuse to look at the question marks before me and will try to make the best of life here and now and, hey, let's see what God brings.
As St Teresa says,
"Let nothing trouble you.
Let nothing frighten you,
all things pass away.
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things,
nothing is lacking to he who possesses God.
God alone suffices."
Now to let that all too human side of me remember that when I feel confused, or lost! Pax Christi, y'all!