Wednesday, September 28, 2011

God's ways, God's time..never our own.  As it must be for us to be with Him.

Was to leave for my visit to Carmel last Friday but events occurred that lead to its delay.  At first I admit I was a bit frustrated because I was ready to leave town and start this next chapter of seeing where God might be calling me.  All things work out though.  Woke up the morning I would have left sick as a dog.  Not just any sick but a major ear infection which immediately made my hearing drop to levels I have not experienced in a few years.  Let's just say unless I am by the phone I cannot hear it ring, can barely hear a person's voice even when they are talking very loudly looking right at me.  Plus had a terrible chest cold and fever et al.  So glad I was not on the road trying to drive 1200 miles! 

My first thought was, "o crap!" as the pain stabbed my ear making my eye shut and face swell.  But no this is a blessing from my Lord who loves me.  He knows I have been faltering a lot lately.
"Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in they would have not been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace." - St. Augustine (The Confessions)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Woke up this morning praying and reflecting over the road before me.  

A few things I know for sure in my life at this moment, in this place.  I know that all I want no matter where I am mentally, physically, spiritually is to give everything to our God, to love Jesus as completely as this miserable sinner can in this world.  He will and does give me the grace to help me along and He does love me too much to not let me learn the hard lessons to see myself more truthfully.  So many wondrous blessings my dear Lord gives me and has given me, most I have no clue because I am blind still in my heart.  Lord, please open my eyes, humble my heart, teach me, heal me so I may love fully as You love. 

I know I have not told you all about my latest trip!  I will but not in this post other then to say it was a slice of Heaven on Earth.  Never have I meet such a delightfully joyful group of women,  Immediately I felt comfortable and at home.  None of those shy, nervous uncomfortable moments I normally feel adjusting to new people.  They brought out the laughing, joyful, prayerful side of me.  The Carmel's silence and schedule allowed me to reopen that prayerful side.  That distracted part that too easily gets lost out here in the world, was pushed away by the routine and what a joy to have the day centered on the most important thing- God, Jesus, Mary,..listening, praying, talking to Him within.  So easy to return to that place within and to open myself more fully to Jesus' within.  

How rare and hard it is for me in the world to do that no matter how hard I try here. No matter how I ask for Blessed Mary's help.  Yes when I first came back it was easy,, but also I was learning and know so much more now and wish to get closer, ever more united with our dear sweet Jesus.

 Carmel is where God comes to unite with you..  Heard that quote in a movie I saw for the first time yesterday. It struck me. Yes, that describes what my entire time there was.  IN this place so humble, hidden, is where God comes to you.  Not that HE does not anywhere else, but to those who are not aware it is the way their life is lived.  The striving to always remove the hindrances of the self that block our seeing and hearing God who is within us all. To give everything joyfully.  That is what scared me.  I know I want to give all and to give up all for that hope of being ever closer to God to do whatever He desires, however... It scared me for the reality of who I am and my own laziness.  What of my cushy things?