Holy Week starts tomorrow, well, this morning..Palm Sunday..the day where Jesus is meet with great adoration while they plan his death. Yet, selfishly I am drawn to my own path of life. Where does my Love wish for me go? Where will I find my true self and joy that God desires for me? Who knows? The journey of discernment. The only difficulty my own because I always hear a ticking clock behind my back ticking away.
How wondrous is His Love, so total, so complete, so encompassing...how much I desire to live for Jesus, for my Father Almighty. At times I am thrilled and at peace at visiting and living with the Carmelites, then as suddenly I am filled with a fear. Fear that it is not for me, I will not find it to be where my home is...Fear about my family. I know that God comes first and family second and I need to trust God will care for them if I follow His wish for me. I also know that my joy comes from listening and knowing what makes me happy is what God made me for, for my happiness will hopefully start to mirror the being God created me to be.
Carmelites appeal to the desire to live completely for God, a radical, counter cultural way giving all for Him and for the people of this world. But I also am drawn to MH and the active role they take directly with people, but is that even something I am capable of? Well, nothing I can do is possible except through God's grace, nothing is possible without God's merciful grace to guide us to fulfill His and our own mission on this earth. And what if I stumble upon another way? LOL, the wonderful, crazy journey I am now walking interiorly. What is my joy? Who am I really? Where am I going? Is all this some selfish fear I am acting upon? Some desire for a family of my own outside of my own loving family? And more and more questions if I allow myself to pause too long on them.
This is why I try to live in the moment and not think too much beyond this minute, this moment that is before me. To trust implicitly in Jesus' loving hand and heart. Let His will be done, for He will guide me to that which is best for me and for Him. Let not my fear hinder me in doing His will and that which will unite me ultimately in what He created me to be.