"Abide in Me". a Gospel phrase of Jesus' that re-occurs at the most intriguing times. in my quiet times "Abide in Me"... How I crave to be able to do just that to abide in my Lord at all times. To be consumed never ending, never pausing in wake and sleep with my Jesus. To pray in Him, to act in Him, to suffer in Him, to adore in Him, to love in Him..to be always in Jesus and Jesus to be always in me. But as too many of you out here in the world know, it is hard to live in the world and to be apart from the world. How I try through my meager little ways to follow, trust, pray and do all for, in, through Jesus the world distracts, the many little things that paper cut us in degrees away from our heartfelt devotion. The ease with which the bad guy can take and hook our great many weaknesses until one day we realize how did I slip from my daily devotions and prayer time so?
It has been awhile since I wrote anything personal on this blog, why is that? Not sure, had not much to say even to my self it seemed too often. Too often lately I feel like a swimmer in the ocean far from shore tiring and slowly drowning with each dip under the salty, rough water. Then there are the times when my heart feels a sand bar under my feet and the sun shines and fills me with hope and buoyancy. I miss being able to attend Mass daily, or even regularly. Each missed Mass fills me with a longing and then growing emptiness, that tangible knowing that my Jesus is waiting for me and yet I am not there to share with Him and receive the graces from His Divine gift of Self in humble bread and wine made Divine and Holy. (Although the effort to find a car is renewed since returning, just the usual delays due that grit of human life-money.)
"Abide in Me." Yes, yes, yes How I am trying my Beloved... How I pray and ask Mother Mary for her help and intercession. IN the next couple days I will start to again do the 33 days of Consecration to Jesus Through Mary for the one year anniversary of when I did the Montefort Consecration at OLOW in Combermere. How back then I could not possibly foreseen the path the past year has lead me over.
"Abide in Me" the Eucharistic promise, the Eucharistic gift, our hope... my hunger and thirst. To trust in Jesus' mercy, to embrace JEsus' love. To rest in the Almighty Father's embrace for HE made me as I am. To constantly trust and work to hear the Holy Spirit's whispers leading me, healing me, humbling me, re-creating me into the person the Father made me when he formed me in my mother's womb.
"Abide in Me". Oh how much easier maybe if I was younger, less stained by my past sins? How much easier maybe but then where is the sacrifice if it was made simple and breezy? Still I feel called to religious life and with it many more sufferings to offer I had become so use to Orders automatically refusing me based on my age that I am shocked when a couple actually talk with me and do not dismiss me right off as too old, or as some loonie. But over this past year I unite those direct refusals with Christ's mission on earth. He is God and man come to save the Jews and all mankind, yet how many ignored Him outright? How many good people thought Him crazy or mislead? How many times when He was there reaching out for me when I turned and ignored Him, or worse promised to become faithful and instead let my selfishness, or pride lead me away from His outstretched arms? Too many times I am sad to say...too many times I refused His call. Too many times I refused to abide in Him. So it is only fitting I should feel a small part of His suffering.
"Abide in Me" Yes, yes I will do my best with Thy grace dear Jesus and to open my heart so You may abide in me. Though I am still searching and listening how do you wish for me to serve You? Live for You? Is it with an Order? A community? Or is it somehow here where I am? There is such an isolation and loneliness here even though I am surrounded by wonderful loving family and friends. Is that my path to share and give to You? To unite with You the isolation and loneliness You felt as you walked the earth, reach out to any who will listen only to have them abandon and ignore You? To be surrounded by love and yet aware of all those out there needing saving? The Garden never too far from your mind and heart?
I do not know... all I know is I must trust and give all to my God for He is all and all that I am that is good is from my loving God. "...Thy love and Thy grace is enough for me." everything of me I lovingly return to You to do with as You will. Let Thy Will be done, never mine but Thine. Take all of me until I am made into a perfect reflection of You through Thy grace. I trust in You. "Abide in Me".... and please abide in me more and more every day.