Friday, June 11, 2010

Volumed maxed!  Music playing, rhythms moving the body and the being across the trappings of place and state...
a day that was not good.... foul in fact!  A day that the mind and self yells "**** IT!" from the depths of its being.

Music. the beast tamer of the internal frustrations and conflicts... music the whip-master that beats the tempest into submission.  Music that slices out the cancer of vile thoughts and temptations of death and surrender to not the Master, but to the condition of human weakness.
A growling beast within that wishes to rend and end the roadblocks and friggin walls this battered head and heart have been slamming into at full speed these past few months at slow mo 
A primal scream of animalistic yearning and pain that sears the heart and mind and locks the being into boiling oil of life unrealized.. the horror of being where one is, with no end in sight.

Why not the fatalistic, giving up?
Why not the guttural moaning yell of"**** it all!"?

Music a reminder that somewhere..somewhere there is suppose to be hope that the mind and the heart would die for ,yet the present feels no presence of.  A day of primal screaming in silence so no one will hear the horror that is fighting within , so no one can see beyond the smile on the face of calm outwardly showing....
but...inside....that quiet and narrow passage.....

  A place no one can see unless they ask to enter...
the battle reigns strong today.
A battle not raged for many, a many a moons...
today the visual images are sharp, stark in contrasting colors
sharp slicing shadows/lights..

.  today is a day that make a good offering.
For today the battle is between weakness and hope...
between faith and human doubt.
... between life and death.
Today there is only black and white, greys a muddled sea of confused head shaking frustrating entrapment.
let's hope for faith to win.

Dear God have mercy.  Dear Jesus Have mercy, Dear Holy Spirit have mercy...  Most blessed Holy Trinity to whom I give my life and soul...please have mercy and save me.

The sweeter the consolation.... the harder the separation?
The more lovely the silent musical song, the harsher the emptiness of love's empty forlorn swoon.
The closer to God we step and rest in peace-filled arms,
the harsher the times of testing absence seeming to be.

Oh what state of human frailty!
Oh what times we struggle and fall!
Oh what blindness, we are called to hear the Lord's glorious call!

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