How interesting as I read over posts from last year that the prayers I prayed were answered in the stark reality and truth that I asked for... the raw, unadorned lessons were asked for from heartfelt pleas made almost a year ago. What a blessing, what a lesson-lol, be careful what you ask for! Oh But what a blessing it is when you are shown in your own experience again and again that God hears your prayers and loves you enough to answer them in the ways that perfects even the meager human pleas we make to His mercy.
Would I ask for any change or subtle difference? No, not in the least! The changes I wish could be made were those due my own weakness and faults and sinful ways, but never from the lessons our Lord has been gracious enough to grace me with! To tame and teach this wild heart of mine, raw and lost; injured and confused these are the lessons I learned! The path, yes, could have been soft and easy- but what good is that if truly seeking that which God asks of us? So be it! I will not question, but give thanks! May God give me whatever He desires for His glory, for His praise, for His thanksgiving for all He does for us! For through the hard times, the dark times, the quiet times, the struggles, sufferings, pains- through all these times an offering could be made to the Almighty, a lesson was learned, a breaking of the self accomplished. Through these tests a pruning of self is made and the progression, hopefully is made to be ever drawn closer and closer to our Lord, our beautiful God.
That is why I never will forget those few who in their simple way have been beside me on this path, they will forever be in my prayers to God, for I know without a doubt He will care for them and look after them drawing them ever closer to His loving heart. In a life where all except my family have abandoned me because they did not wish to be near my suffering, these few who remain for as long as it is deemed out of love... Oh I will never forget, and I will, God willing, pray for them until the end of my days on this world.
Re-reading from a year ago, at times I feel as if I have fallen back 20 steps, at other times like I have grown but in a more pragmatic, intrinsic way. The good and sanity saving grace of the local MH staff is that they are so real and unassuming. They will forever be in my heart and prayers for if not for them I honestly do not where I would be now. Ever get that feeling you are on the edge of something that will shift your life, and world forever?? that is what I have been feeling in greater intensity for well over a month now. Ever growing, ever deepening... a silent vibration of anticipation that fills the being, the heart with anticipation even though "what" is still hidden from this lil being.