Sunday, May 2, 2010

walking these streets I turn and wonder at the scenes that surround me... so many lost, so many lost.  I've walked these streets so many years. decades unfolding and turning.  A myriad of emotions and tensions, a myriad of hopes and dreams. "have I been blind, have I been lost inside my self and my own mind. hypnotized  mesmerized by what my eyes have seen?"
Always searching "have I been blind?  Have I been lost?"

Streets call, hidden places call, the lost call, where has the sun lit?  Who are the chosen?  Who are the struggling?  Who decides the cost?  Who decides the salvation?  Why one and not the other?  Walking hands bound... walking minds bound, walking...searching..wandering..wondering.  Where is the light?  Where is the ease?  Where is the peace?  Why such an intangible thing at times?  Why do we walk with hands bound?  Why do we walk hoping?  Hoping?  We know the path...why is it so hard to follow?  Why is it so hard to feel?  Why does it have to be so hard at times?  Why does He have to hide so at times?  Why do some find the way so easily when others must struggle so hard, so painfully?  Why?  Why? Why?  "I will walk with my hands bound.  I will walk into your garden.... I don't know I don't care."  I walk with hope, I walk with hope, I walk with hope....for that is all I have have... hope at times strong, at times weak and small.  I will walk with hope, searching, needing, desiring.   Were am I going? Where do You wish me to go?  Hope, some days strong and certain...some days weak and tenuous... some days barely there and shredding.  Why is it that I go from one high to a new low?  Why do I feel more like a forgotten nothing at times then a reborn somebody?  Why do I have to feel such raw tenderness?  Why do I have to feel these extremes of this existence?  Sometimes I get so,so tired of it all.  But then I remember..then I grab hope and remember....

Then at times in the silence of dark fall I wonder...will there ever a place I can call mine?  A home where others will welcome me?  Will I ever for once in my life "fit in".. will there ever a place where I can rest and be in peace and comfort?   Always a bit on the outside, always a bit too far to the left or the right, not quite here or there.  It is the solitude that is speaking in me... it is the silence of the moment late at night before the dawn comes.  It is that ever known human state of quiet without comfort.  Where are the loving arms to hug me close?  Where is that soothing voice that tells me it is alright?  But it is fine, it is OK in the day's light I will put on the proper face and smile and laugh... the feelings of the late night placed behind me to their rightful place... as I again might feel hope.. Might feel solace..Might feel a sense of belonging somewhere...anywhere.  God have mercy on me at this late hour..have mercy on all who feel this way at this hour...sorry for my darkness of thought has been ..well, it has been a day of awareness of things human.  It has been a day that reminded me of what is being fast lost that was within me, and of reminding me of what was that I wanted to forget and never go back to... it was a day that reminded me  Yes, reminded me of me.  At times I pondered why this state of being, why this isolation.  What did I do to end up in this place?  Did I do things so bad?  Was I such a displeasing person?  Am I so undesirable to be around?  What?  Why?  But I know that is the human weakness in me questioning...I remind myself that there must be something decent in me for God to give these consolations of peace and comfort before returning me to these torturous islands of isolation.  Guess God knows I am strong enough to endure and make it through another day, another week, another year... He knows me too well, that I will endure and offer up in blind faith and hope.   But...I shall stop now.  wait until the day comes and see what the Light brings.  Gotta feeling this post will be edited heavily LOL!

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