Been trying to find a way to describe what these past few months in Canada have been for me in a way all of y'all can understand.. OK in a way even I can understand in normal worldly talk. "Restoration" is a word used at Madonna House using "Rest" and "ora"=prayer and "action"=work to heal the sinner into a state more to that which God intended. These past few months have been very restoring and healing to my being. Once again, especially since coming back home I realize that once again in my life I am enjoying being around people and re-learning the fine art and love of talking and sharing with others face to face. The old desire for isolation is not all encompassing, but being replaced with a balance of both. The need to be surrounded by my brothers and sisters and sharing in their lives and to have quiet time for deeper prayer and silence. This is a healing and more normal balance I have not experienced in over a decade plus.
One cannot be isolated from people unless one truly knows first that one needs to be around people to truly know how glorious God is. This time living in Combermere,thanks be to God, is teaching me I think, how to live again with people and how wonderful people are again. Something so hungered for within my being that I dared to not give it voice to my conscious mind or access often to my heart for the pain of the loneliness was so great within. Yes, there are still some obstacles God has left like my low hearing but as exhausting as it gets sometimes the people are great about accommodating me when I ask for it. I know one thing that went through my thoughts during the time of testing ?, suffering? whatever up there I did crave silence just because I do get tired of always struggling to hear what people are saying. It gets exhausting to always read lips and body language to follow conversations I admit but that is my own personal cross to bear and I will deal with it. But Oh it is so worth the burden, the sacrifice, to laugh and be among others so loving of God!
Surprisingly while there the battles with temptations where few, mainly while on the trip home did I suddenly get slammed with thoughts, etc. that where bothersome. Thanks be to God they faded once home and once I just started praying to our Mother for help. She is an awesome Mother to have, I am so glad Fr P recommended the consecration to Jesus through Mary and that I followed his advice, it just is right and proper to do so. Plus when I prayed about doing the consecration the Holy Spirit again made it obvious it is what He wanted me to do. LOL, gotta love a God who is so kind as to make it simple at times to know what He wants of you! Yeah for the idiot version for fool's who get easily confused!
You dear Jesus, you have called me so loudly through the Holy Spirit through your Mother's loving heart. Please give me the heart of your Mother so I may love you completely, so I may serve your Father without hesitation. Dear Jesus you have not wavered in your calling of me, it is I who wavers, questioning and not trusting completely like I should. You make the path obvious, you make the way clear yet I hesitate using excuses petty and man made to say maybe I am hearing you wrong. But in you all things are possible, nothing is impossible for you for you have the power to move mountains and to save the wretch like me. So again I will pray you give me the grace of faith of a mustard seed. Please let me trust completely in you and do only your loving will for the rest of my days here on earth and forever in the eternal home of your Father if it be your will. Please have mercy on me and hear the prayers of your blessed Mother so my only thought, desire and love is doing Thy will and never my own.
It is so clear within my heart...why do I insist on questioning the obvious?