Wednesday, November 25, 2009

2 am Ramble...... also Will I die for Him?

(Another Unproofread ramble for your bored surfing pleasure..Pardon the errors!)

What does it mean to live a holy life? To truly live for God?

Hidden from all not wishing to seek any fame for self, to only crave that which pleases the Almighty is my deepest desire.

O what is the reason if not in loving and serving the One who created the life? In thanking the One who first created love? Nothing is worthwhile if not done through of the Holy Trinity, love of the Blessed Mother, love of our self and our brother and sisters all created by our Lord God.

O my God how often I fail you, how often I do not have you as my main thought and focus of the day, yet You who are so merciful and so loving still deign to come to me, to comfort me. My glorious God I could thank you for all eternity for just one second of my life and it would not be enough to rightly glorify Your wondrous grace.

In my misery I call out to You and You always answer, not in how I desire but You wisely answer in what You know I need. How many times my soul ached for my Lord's comfort and it was answered for Your love divine and mysterious is always so much wiser then my petty heart could ever imagine. How humbled am I knowing my sins before me, yet You will forgive even them my Father, My Brother. How humbled am I knowing in my own little way that You are the only thing that matters most, how glad am I to live for You Almighty Holy One...

How happy am I and thankful that You chose to touch me and call me to Your loving ways... for just that moment when my life was forever saved I will always strive to become a saint for the love of You.
....... .........

11:30PM Ramble (Just doesn't have that same ring to it does it?)

Had a wonderful dinner with my favorite and longest friend. I truly enjoy her company and love her dearly. Being with her is like wearing a comfortable old pair of jeans where everything is just and right, no pretenses, no bullshit..just "Hey" and "How are ya doing?" as we catch up on the ever moving evolution of our lives over the last...LOL, waaaayyy too many years! :0)

Coming back home I was drawn to distracting things, the earlier writing was done very early morning Wednesday and now is Wed PM. Sorta allowing myself a brief bit of time to not think but to just let the day simmer unconsciously through the brain and heart I guess. Hey I actually played computer Solitaire-That says enough right there! LOL! Guess I haven't been allowing myself much deep thinking time, with being icky and everything else. Is it that I don't want to give voice to what is in my heart... my deep desires for this life? If it that I fear disappointment, failure or worse rejection? It is partially that I am not completely trusting in Jesus and Mary because I am having a selfish desire for what I want, but then again can't one has a personal dream that would be their ideal while realizing that it is just that? It is so much easier for me to openly say what I don't want then to admit to what I do want...but I know that is my own weakness and scars from the past coming forward. Scars that must be faced, dealt with and rid off.. well until they decide to be thrust back into the forefront again for whatever reason. I give the old emotional and mental scars to Mary with hope and certainty that she will do what she deems best with them for the good of God and for my growth in love with Jesus. Trust, hope, and surrender...all for love of the Divine.

But surrender in the world is a bit precarious...then again no one said love and living for God would be easy.. yes, Job, I know, I just need to glance around my room and there is the crucifix clear, and sharp in His reminding me of sacrifice and love, trust and surrender to the Father's will. That delicate balance between being fully aware of the stain of sins past carried on my soul, and feeling the presence of God within my soul.

God has given me an interesting month to say the least, these past few weeks have encompassed many extremes and not the easiest ones either. Although in a way I guess I am glad, I am not a child and I have lived a hard enough life to know that reality is not simple and a fun party ride. These tough times from physical to emotional have been good tests for me. They forced me to trust in my blessed Mother Mary and to give her everything for her Son and for God. To trust in Mary to ask for whatever lessons I need, to root out the things that displease our God, to trust that She and Jesus are always there even if I am not "feeling" them.

For over a month now the words to the hymn sung at MH has been going through my head "Christ before me, Christ beside me..Christ above me Christ behind me...Christ within me..." yes the words are badly paraphrased but you get the gist of it. For a good while now I have been praying and working on trying to see Christ in all I see and within myself, and to love the God within us all without question. As the time went on I can say it is easier to see the presence of God in us all, it at the same time became harder to see within myself even though intellectually I knew Jesus is here. During Mass and within the areas of holy ground it was easier, especially after the gracious gift of Communion when Jesus was truly present in the Holy Eucharist, then for a brief while all was right and sometimes Jesus would grace me with many special gifts of understanding and reassurances. Humbly and softly in awe I thank God for this loving mercy.

Yes being back place where I am so loved by my family unconditionally, a place where life should bring me much comfort(it does in some ways) and much joy (it does in some ways) at my "home" surrounded by my "stuff" in this world. Here. What are the thoughts lingering just below the surface? That I wish to articulate yet seem to fear articulating them for I am realizing the price. Here...

"Will you die for me?"

A question that has followed me in many incarnations for a long time now. When I heard it interiorly at church a couple weeks ago it took me by surprise but not at first when without hesitating I mentally said "Yes, with Thy graces to support me, yes." After going through those many days of feeling alone even though I knew I was not since I was surrounded by caring people who would do almost anything to help me if I just asked. I knew that period was meant to be experienced on many different levels now. The most basic, human level was to deal with my own issues of white walled past of depression, abandonment, and past pains and injuries. LOL, simple and so hilariously obvious if it wasn't so reminding of the pains of the past at the time I was facing it all again. But there was a beauty in all the mental and emotional anguish of that time around the beginning of the month and end of October. Yes, I said beauty and meant it. Hang on I'll tall ya...

Beauty of the suffering, so sublime yet so interiorly profound at times. Physical suffering to me is one thing but mental, emotional is quite another... both I can 'deal with' but the level with which I was allowed to use this time to meditate and to unite it with Christ's and Mary's suffering was precious. How Mary suffered so much without even a scratch being placed upon her tender skin. How Jesus suffered, we all know how He suffered for love of us. "Will you die for me?" Yes for everyone must die but it is in the living we die for Him. Physical dying is basically easy for we have little choice in the time, way in which we are meant to go and hopefully by that time we might be ready for it. It is in the living death of self that is so very hard. "I live, now not I, but Christ who lives within me."

Easy to say, easy to desire, easy in somethings to do... but not so easy to maintain , live and to continually commit to forever. Yet, it is the only way of life that makes any sense. During those couple weeks of emotional darkness and confusion I was loudly reminded how little worldly things mattered like possessions, pride, even more basic things we take for granted like our friends, food, sanity, and even basic dreams, and hopes. There truly is only one path and only one goal for us all if we so desire it and that is God. This world is meant o be challenging and sacrificial, we are not good people even when we try to do our best..LOL, especially in this age! We have all sinned greatly by the time we even reach adulthood unless blessed or very isolated by our parents. Something most parents do not have the luxury, money, or ability to do given the massive influx of media in all arenas of life in North America, even then unless God graces it so, we are too sullied by sins due our fallen nature. God is kind to give sacrificial suffering, for us to have offerings to unite with His beloved Sons suffering or to give to Him as penance for the sins of the world and our own sins.

Divine Mercy, yes, Divine Mercy.. the reason it is so simple is because we have become such simple, lost people and we are so weak and confused we need a devotion from Jesus so easy we can't forget its basic message. Mercy gave me suffering, mercy saved from from suffering. Mercy opens me to His love, and mercy gives me hope. Mercy is His love raw and beautiful... mercy and love keeps my faith from wavering and my faith that God will always hear our pleas and will always reach out to us. For God loves us little children even with the filth covering us that He will help us and give us no more then we can handle and has our homes waiting with Him when we can finally unite completely with His Divine Love and thank Him, serve Him, and glorify Him and love Him forever and ever.

Will I die for Him? Oh with His grace I sure hope I can and will everyday of my life in this world...with Mother Mary's guidance I sure hope I will in love for all that is God's glory. I know we all have this available for us, no one of us is more special then the other to God, we are all His children loved equally by Him. All we have to do is trust, love and be willing to take that little step towards Him and to ask God for His help through his beloved Son Jesus and through the intercession of Mary.... how can we not make it to sainthood if we all just dare to turn our backs on the worldly things and embrace Divine love and pray for its unity with us. If we just dare to strive for sobornost... O dear Mary pray for us.

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