Friday, May 25, 2012

Been awhile, been helping out gardening, mowing, doing nothing, etc.

Still have a major case of the "Whatever's" and "Who gives a F?" or the harder to fight internally, "I give up".

Gave up on the whole religious life thing.  Figure God wants me, then He better make it obvious, can't take the emotional roller coaster that always crashes back here.  Tired of religious orders, etc automatically shutting the door based on age, they succeeded in doing something that no one else ever managed to do and make me feel ancient.

Irony is if there ever was a place that accepted me my first thought would be what the heck is wrong with you don't you see what a messed up person I am, look at my history!  Look at my now! I got enough garbage spewed back there to immediately show what a waste of effort I would be, especially at this age.  So, yes, the  irony is not lost on me.

With that said I highly encourage every young person to seriously consider for awhile if God might be calling you to religious life.  If you might find it interesting, or fulfilling.  Nothing else take advantage of the summer programs they have for young adults and just hang out, pray and live with some of the varied religious opportunities out there.  Very least it is a cheap way to spend a summer away from the parent's house.

Take care and God bless until next time.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Spring is blurting through the valley like a speed painter on an assembly line.  Hot days and warm nights have made what is usually a slow awakening from winter into a sudden clash of morning alarm bells. Trees blooming and greening so fast I have to look at the calender and remind myself it has only been a week since the switch was hit.

Has been a long, long few months.  Had major house repairs that needed to be done.  Finally got that inspiration to paint the interior rooms of the house thanks to walls being ripped out by the plumbers.  God is merciful making this my chore for Lent.  Been fighting a major depressive swing following the house mayhem, physical problems, and that human desire to want to be somewhere else in life.  I am again looking at life and wondering what is it God wishes of me?  Where will I find joy?  Real joy, a sense of belonging, of being free to be my self.

I know, I know, God speaks to those who listen.  That God will let it be known where He desires me to be.  To embrace the promise of hope, and love and fidelity to God in this very moment.  Tomorrow may not come so I must live today as fully for, with and in Jesus as my poor sinful heart is able through His grace and my meager efforts. Oh, how pitiful has my heart been of late!  Almost everyday these past few weeks has been a battle of ,"Why bother? What difference does it make?" and clinging like from precipice to that tiny filament of some vague hope.  Intellectually I know God's hope is true and real, I know the truth of God and His Love from my own life and His love towards me directly and through the people He placed around me.  Mentally, the brute side, the side that feels aimless and lost wonders why God even bothered to give me such hopes, why He even reminded me that in certain situations I can flourish and laugh and feel a lightness of being.

All feels dark within, like the thunderstorms that crash and shake the valley floor as thunder rattles the windows and rain floods the streets. I see the joy amidst struggles of the people whose path I cross and I feel how awful I am.  Terrible, lazy sinner too lost in my own selfishness to do more for others.  See people so assured in their chosen paths of life.  married raising children, treasuring their now arriving grandchildren.  Religious working and living for our God knowing they have been so gifted by Him to have that life.  Then I see my own life, and how that devil needles me with thoughts that are not of God, those past dark depressing thoughts that had been my cross many years ago.  Leaves me crying from my emotional, small, egotistical self, :What do you want from me God?  What can I do for You?  Just give me a tiny hint, give me some tiny hope of joy in this life."  Needles to say, it has not been a good couple weeks.

But God is good, work must get done so cannot get trapped in immobilizing pity party for one nothingness. Just keep repeating and praying over and over in my head, this too shall pass.  God has a plan, all I have to do is be here in the moment as best as His grace might allow my and my own failures won't hinder me. Ha..oh my failures!  My weaknesses, my struggle, my life.  "Me" repeated when it isn't all about "me" and honestly I don't want it to be about me.  But how can I give all to our God if I cannot even see beyond the dark cloud that suffocates?  Where did all my hope and dreams go this time? Why do I continually feel alone and that my only hope in joy is only after my time here is over?  That all opportunities are past me now.  Spring allergies, you always make me feel worse and even whinier. I am sorry, again. Trust in our God.  Jesus, I trust in you, have mercy on me a wretched, lost sinner.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Limbo by Sister Mary Ada, OSJ

The ancient greyness shifted
Suddenly and thinned
Like mist upon the moors
Before a wind.
An old, old prophet lifted
A shining face and said:
“He will be coming soon.
The Son of God is dead;
He died this afternoon.”

A murmurous excitement stirred
All souls.
They wondered if they dreamed –
Save one old man who seemed
Not even to have heard.

And Moses, standing,
Hushed them all to ask
If any had a welcome song prepared.
If not, would David take the task?
And if they cared
Could not the three young children sing
The Benedicite, the canticle of praise
They made when God kept them from perishing
In the fiery blaze?
A breath of spring surprised them,
Stilling Moses’ words.
No one could speak, remembering
The first fresh flowers,
The little singing birds.
Still others thought of fields new ploughed
Or apple trees
All blossom-boughed.
Or some, the way a dried bed fills
With water
Laughing down green hills.
The fisherfolk dreamed of the foam
On bright blue seas.
The one old man who had not stirred
Remembered home.

And there He was
Splendid as the morning sun and fair
As only God is fair.
And they, confused with joy,
Knelt to adore
Seeing that He wore
Five crimson stars
He never had before.

No canticle at all was sung
None toned a psalm, or raised a greeting song,
A silent man alone
Of all that throng
Found tongue –
Not any other.
Close to His heart
When the embrace was done,
Old Joseph said,
“How is Your Mother,
How is Your Mother, Son?”

Saturday, March 17, 2012

St. Patrick’s Breastplate, I Bind Unto Myself Today
I bind unto myself today
the strong Name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same,
the Three in One, and One in Three.
I bind this day to me forever,
by power of faith, Christ’s Incarnation;
his baptism in Jordan river;
his death on cross for my salvation;
his bursting from the spicèd tomb;
his riding up the heavenly way;
his coming at the day of doom:
I bind unto myself today.
I bind unto myself the power
of the great love of cherubim;
the sweet “Well done” in judgment hour;
the service of the seraphim;
confessors’ faith, apostles’ word,
the patriarchs’ prayers, the prophets’ scrolls;
all good deeds done unto the Lord,
and purity of virgin souls.
I bind unto myself today
the virtues of the starlit heaven
the glorious sun’s life-giving ray,
the whiteness of the moon at even,
the flashing of the lightning free,
the whirling wind’s tempestuous shocks,
the stable earth, the deep salt sea,
around the old eternal rocks.
I bind unto myself today
the power of God to hold and lead,
his eye to watch, his might to stay,
his ear to hearken, to my need;
the wisdom of my God to teach,
his hand to guide, his shield to ward;
the word of God to give me speech,
his heavenly host to be my guard.
Christ be with me,
Christ within me,
Christ behind me,
Christ before me,
Christ beside me,
Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort
and restore me.
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ in quiet,
Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of
all that love me,
Christ in mouth of
friend and stranger.
I bind unto myself today
the strong Name of the Trinity,
by invocation of the same,
the Three in One, and One in Three.
Of whom all nature hath creation,
eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
praise to the Lord of my salvation,
salvation is of Christ the Lord.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

The journey is the most important thing when trying to discern a vocation.  This is very true, through God's kindness I have had the pleasure of living with some very special communities and learn more about our Lord's wondrous love for us all. Since I have stepped on this path I wondered where God will lead me.  I am still wondering, but now I have learned to not be concerned with the things out of my control (OK, as much lol).  

The more important thing is the journey has enriched me.   God has placed some amazing, holy, fun, touching people along the trip.  Some I met only for a brief moment, others I got to know longer and more deeply.  Through their lives I got to see how living a life completely for God is really another paradox of Christian living, it is a life filled with joy and hardship, with laughter and tears.   The one constant is that despite our humanity, we all know more and more the truth that God loves us infinitely.  He is always with us, in us, and when we surrender to Him and let God take over we must be like little children.  The Father always cares for His children in everything great and small.

So after about 3 years of searching and so many places turning me down outright due my age I am not going to actively look anymore unless I feel a strong push from God to go a certain way.  I am not closing the door,  heavens no!  Deep in my heart, knowing my weaknesses and how much I felt so myself in a community setting, I can never close that small bit of hope that maybe..maybe somewhere God wants me.  But reality of the moment is I will be 49 in a couple months, and as such I have to stop procrastinating on somethings like buying a car and finding a more permanent job.  Getting hearing aides, next month if all goes well. (just do not mention plumbing repairs in our house, lol! Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of repairs in the last two months-ouchers). All that grown up, living in the world as a single woman responsibility stuff that is the daily grind of modern life.

This does sadden me, but I know God will place something before me, even if it is a lesson or penance that will make me grow in some area. And when blessed by God we all should grow more and more for God is never static. And I do need a lot of growth in many areas of my personality and being.  So, I refuse to look at the question marks before me and will try to make the best of life here and now and, hey, let's see what God brings.

As St Teresa says,

"Let nothing trouble you.
 Let nothing frighten you,
 all things pass away.

  God never changes.

Patience obtains all things,
 nothing is lacking to he who possesses God.

God alone suffices."

Now to let that all too human side of me remember that when I feel confused, or lost!  Pax Christi, y'all!

Audrey Assad - O My Soul

Saturday, February 18, 2012

"Vocation is about finding what you are best suited to. It's about finding your mission in life, discovering who God has created you to be and what tasks he has created you to carry out in this world. Everyone has a vocation, and finding it truly is the single event that will create more happiness in our lives than anything else. Life, therefore is about vocation. It is about seeking and finding what God created you for -- and then doing it. It is through this process that God will transform you into the best-version-of-yourself and the world into the place he intended it to be."
-- Matthew Kelly
"If God should desire beautiful thoughts and sublime sentiments, He has His angels !... Furthermore, he could have created human beings already perfect with none of the weakness of our nature."

St. Therese of Lisieux

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Found a wonderful blog the other day, check it out: Coffee and Canticles - The Divine Office in Your Life

The other is: The Cloistered Heart

Both are encouraging, and great food for the soul in this harried world. 

Fernando Ortega - Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence

Let all mortal flesh keep silence,

and with fear and trembling stand;

Ponder nothing earthly minded,

For with blessing is His hand,

Christ our God to earth descendeth,

Our full homage to demand.

King of kings, Yet born of Mary,

As of old earth He stood,

Lord of lords, In human vesture,

In the body and the blood;

He will give to all the faithful.

His own self for heavenly food.

Rank on rank the host of heaven

spreads its vanguard on the way,

As Light of light descendeth

from the realms of endless day,

That the powers of hell may vanish

as the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six-winged seraph,

Cherubim, With sleepless eye,

Veil their faces to His presence

as with ceaseless voice they cry:

Alleluia! Alleluia!

Alleluia! Lord Most High!