There are times in life when you look over the landscape of who you are and what makes the inner you do the things you do. Then there are other times when the last thing you do is even give yourself a second glance. Lately situations and events in my life have been brought to the forefront, why do I throw the obstacles in my way? Why do I hesitate and allow things from the past to hinder me in this search for a closer relationship. union, with our Lord?
Yesterday and over the past few weeks one subject has been bothering me as the subject comes up repeatedly in the press.Gay suicides and gay marriage bring up conflicting responses within me, but yesterday I read where an American Archbishop equated gay marriage with Roe V Wade.I admit openly that I identified myself as a lesbian for a large chunk of my adult and teen life.Even though it has been over 20 years since I voluntarily have been with a woman and I have slept with more men then I ever slept/dated women I still have that part of me that still immediately identifies with the gay community. To see the largely secular issue of gay marriage be equated to abortion, the killing of innocent life caused me shock, disbelief and even pain, that the murder of unborn children is equal to gay people trying to have some of the same civil rights in this secular country? I am one of the first to say that gay marriage should not be forced upon religions, and that they should not be mandated in our country. I am the first to say my gay friends that all people are called to a life of chastity. But to equate it to the murder of over 50million babies? Wow... that stunned me.
Since coming back to the Church and God gracing me with His touch I have pondered over the issue of homosexuality in great detail in prayer and in watching the attitudes of my fellow Christians, I have seen where God has been merciful and never made sexuality a large part of my life, ever, if I had to look back and claim any label I'd say it is more asexual but that is a whole other story. I have also looked over large portions of my life and can now see how my orientation became skewed the way it did and the forces that lead me to live like I did, not laying blame it is what it is. I also see very clearly that I am called to a single life and have no problem with it to be honest. For some reason God made me this way and I will never know until I hopefully join Him in Heaven the reason. The greatest time of sin and shame for me and the time that I know the devil worked on my reason was when I tried to become something I was not able to become and that was a straight person. My advantage was I was older and had already had experienced extreme trails and darkness in my life so unlike the young people now killing themselves over their sexual orientation The inner psychological muscles were strong within me. The religious communities of the world need to be firm, yes, in correcting the problems and sins of society but they need to be just as loud, just as public and just as intolerant of the identified straight people out there breaking God's laws. Just muttering at the end of a chastising, veering on hate filled sermon "love the sinner, hate the sin" is not giving the very real suffering ones out there any hope, any love to feel.
For over 4 years now I almost never talk about my past, how my ex was a woman, or what my former attractions were out of the very real experience when I first did tell members of my Church that I was a lesbian living a personal vow of chastity the reactions were all very hurtful. One lady told me to never mention that to anyone, a couple other never talked to me again and still usher their children away from me like I am some pervert. The weirdest one was awhile back that echoed chapters in my former life when for some reason some women think all lesbians want, think, breath is nothing but to jump their bones. I have mental images they see me as a lecherous drooling freak who watches bad porn 24/7 doing vile things in dirty alleyways. Sigh... its taken awhile to learn to just let it go and give it to Mother Mary and to try to not let the emotions become anything other then pity for their misperceptions. For those too afraid to ask or just don't know, people like me seem to get a certain grace from God that honestly makes the sexual side of ourselves a none issue, rarely if ever do I even get temptations dealing with sins of the flesh and the rare few I get are so obviously from the bad guy that they make me laugh and tell him to go away that my Mother Mary and my Lord Jesus are here with me and his paltry aims have no power or appeal. Remember that we are just regular people who are trying to live our lives as best we can knowing that we will forever be single and the last thing we ever want thrown in our faces is misguided stereotyping bordering on depersonalized prejudgements, or avoidance from others. That is the behavior that slays me more then anything, that is the weapon the bad guy uses to try and lure uswho are trying away from loving our Lord.
I know a couple who are very religious, not Catholics, just married and have been together for almost 30 years they have beautiful boys and they are parents that too many "normal" families need to emulate. There is no way I could look at them and say they are like those who have murdered millions, their whole life together is maturely loving, self sacrificing and united always to raising loved, faith filled children, and a safe, supportive stable home life. In a society where over 50% of the marriages end in divorce and children shuttled like pets from house to house every week, where physical,emotional and sexual abuse of children is at an all time high, where even among Christians the divorce rates equal that of non-Christians I think many of my brethern need to look at themselves long and hard and then touch that loving non-judgmental self within and say,"What can I do to make this world better?" This is not achieved by laying blame to all the people outside of yourself and allowing yourself this one group to vent frustrated hate towards, instead maybe you should start changing from within first and showing that you live a true loving Christ centered life. Show that you will at first show the gay person you know why they are called to chastity like all non-married people, and then as the gay person starts to open up more to the faith lead them on that journey to show them that homosexuality is not a death sentence of misery and that it is a sacrifice of love to God. Let them enter religious life where they can have the support, guidance and family structure that fills them with a purpose and hope.
Yeah, I know it won't happen in this lifetime, too many think all homosexual are sex hungry fiends unable to rise above their physical nature and have an "agenda". Maybe so many would not be so militant if they had not been so severely hurt, traumatized and openly hated, beaten up, humiliated by those within the so called churches? The main reaction to hate and hurt is anger is it not? So if we all opened our hearts and left the stereotypical misconceptions in the trash hwere they belong the push for gay marriage will diminish and then convert more homosexuals to follow the path of chastity and love a sea change would take place. Maybe, just maybe it can begin by not having an Archbishop calling gay marriage equal to Roe v Wade and the slaughter of innocent life in the womb?
Maybe, I am full of it and letting my own misinterpretations color this rambling post as I read and pray for all those young kids killing themselves for they feel they have no hope, no chance for love, no place to breath without real fear of bullying, being beaten up, abandoned by their family, friends, church... maybe I wish we would all be a bit more like Jesus and learn that to ever change a heart is through love and guidance and also support to those in need. Maybe I am a fool?