Silence of a Saturday night... heartbeat rhythm ticking the time. I sit listening a cat interrupts with an attention seeking meow... smiling I scratch his fat furry head.
Interesting how life moves once you are saved again by God. The ebbs and flows of noise and silence, of insight and dullness, of prayer and dryness, devotion and sloth all meander and mesh into a cosmic flux of evolution. The human riddle on why we act the way we do even with certain knowledge searing our soul and heart. Ever since that cold night when I was found, when silence was sharp and shattering before the Holy Spirit uncovered me for a second chance, my life from the outside appeared similar but oh on the inside! polar opposite thoughts reigned through my soul.
How did I survive all that time before? Did Jesus hear me and had plans for me yet to be unveiled? So much time spent in tortured silent suffering when the knife edged quiet sliced and scarred my soul, so much so all I could think to make it bearable was to yell inside my heart God if you can hear me take this away from me and if not then I will carry this pain of mine and please let me carry another suffering person's pain so they may have a island of relief. My childhood catechism lessons on suffering were a bit misconstrued through the years of neglect, but I knew somehow in my heart Jesus or Mary heard me, and that somewhere a person was relaxed in relief for they had a moment in an oasis of peace thanks to God's mercy. I still had hope in God's power.
Is this purgatory I would think to myself, is this twisted illness a dark forewarning of what would happen if I did not find my way home to my master's house? Hunh, if this is purgatory then i shudder to think what awaits people in hell. If that was purgatory then please dear God let me live as much of it as I can here on earth so when I die I may join you in Heaven as quickly as possible!
I remember during this darkest of times, on medications that killed my mind, ruined my ability to read, concentrate, think, even made TV to hard to comprehend, made my emotions devoid of pleasure, love, anger, sadness anything echoing normal human feelings. I saw Mother Teresa had died while I was on 5th floor rehab. One of the few times my emotions felt such great sorrow for the loss to the world and what a joy to Heaven. I prayed as best as my lost Catholic heart could for God to welcome her with the angels and the finest mansion near her Love's throne. I prayed to her for her prayers to Jesus for my salvation from the torment I was under and how I would love to become a sister like her to live and honor God my remanding days. Later on not sure how long I was again praying for Mother Teresa to please pray to God for me when as clear as day I heard a voice say that now was not my time that I had to wait that I was not alone but there were plans for me.
LOL< class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">silence I sit Hockey game on but not looking at it wondering how these past couple years will unfold when looked at, God willing, 2 or 5 years down the line. Will I find that elusive whatever I feel my life was being shaped for? Will I stray? No, I cannot see that ever happening, my faith is my life and I thank and beg Jesus to never lose His sheep again. How I marvel at people who seem to know what they want from life, I rarely had those moments. Never dreamed of motherhood even as a child and how much I know my Mother hoped I would play with my dolls and not dig holes to China in the backyard. My only real dream of youth was to be an artist until I got in the way, LOL, boy did I ever! Oh in Kindergarten I wanted to be either a medicine woman or a nun. Go figure, but in Cherokee culture they take great notice of a child's desire at the age of about 5 as a sign of what the child shall become in the tribe. Oh well, it all worked out in a weird way so I could be where I needed to be when the major things happened in my family and I was able to be around to help those I care most about.
So I sit here on a silent Saturday night the cats wandering off since my typing does not include spoiling them or food. I realize that its been a long strange trip (thanks Grateful Dead) but now I can be in this moment and be content with it. Here, now.. nothing longer nothing prior, nothing to come... feeling my heart beating a love song from Jesus and Mary saying "We are here with you, and always have been and always will. Trust in your Lord for you are never alone." Ya know... that is alright with me. Thank you God for you are all I need! All the rest, well, I will leave that to you.